My current lack of belief in God has brought a wide range of realizations to thought. Sin is one of the aspects that generally discourages any faith that I ever had in God. The bible often seems to be in contradiction with itself. For example, it says one thing in one section of the bible, then something completely different and opposite in another. Therefore, I am uncertain as to which words are lies and which are truth. Thus explaining why I find myself in an overall bout of confusion.
I consider myself to be a lost soul rather than a fallen child of God. The question of whether he even exists is quite distorted and futile. But to me, the answer to that question is quite an obvious one. There simply isn't a God and there never was a God. I always figured that if there truly was a God, he would have shown up in my life a long time ago. But, the promise of repent and forgiveness of sin seemed like yet another lie that was spread for the purpose of finding those who are without purpose or are lost.
The path of God is a path I have long chosen to stray off of for one simple reason. That simple reason is that I have suffered on the path of God for so long. I never really accepted God because I always felt that he would never have done the same thing for me. As a little girl I believed that no matter what he was always there and that he loved me. The faded memories of sunday school and actual belief in God doesn't phase me, it just doesn't satisfy anymore.
There are days with certain instances that I thank god without giving any thought. Then there are others that I feel evenmore that he is truly not there. Eventhough each day I constantly sin, I have no wish nor any desire to repent for sin. Sin. A three letter word that is nothing more than a synonym for the phrase "I fucked up, and I realize that I fucked up." Repent. A six letter word that is a synonym for the phrase "I admit that I did it, but that doesn't mean that I've learned my lesson." I always wondered what the point of repenting was when everyone, no matter how pure or self-righteous, sins constantly whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Either that's the case, or we stopped remembering which sins we commited by the time Sunday comes around by simply not giving a shit.
If the world is full of sin, then we are all as pure or as inpure as we ourselves choose to be. That's because it is ultimately our choice to either sin or not to sin. Personally, it makes absolutely no difference to me. Sin or no sin and whether God actually exists ultimately depends on whether we, or I in this instance, chooses to believe in what seems to be such an impossible existance. Therefore if sin is human, then I am a damned saint.
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