Maturity has a strange effect on people, more so on older men after their hearts have been broken for the last time than younger people may realize. There may have been more sunrises and sunsets behind than there are ahead of me, but I must not yield to what could be my own undoing, for I've taken an oath of gentleness and tender consideration for a life that was denied a very dear and precious soul whom I'll always remember and love, even if we were never able to share star-crossed gazes.
The realization of my own amorous exploits, and the pains that came with them, could either have tempered and strengthened or hardened me to the point of brittleness until what was once a compassionate and caring heart becomes cold and filled with animosity and sadness. Thoughts have filled my head with a fire that were just as quickly quenched when I realized how dangerous and unkind those mental aberrations were, so they have been abolished to the dark recesses of my past and left to fester unmolested until they're gone.
In spite of what has torn at my soul and the rending of my heart into an empty vessel that was once filled to overflowing with love and adoration I shan't issue empty and vile phrases or ideas for something as innocent as youthful exuberance and unconcerned adventure, for my Karma would forever be damned, and of *all* the things in this Universe, my soul is the only thing that I can truly call my own.
This older man has suffered through something that has altered him far more than he might ever have realized, his heart taking him down a twisted and tortured road that ended in tears and a longing for what could never be. My sharing with you, the reader, of just such pain is meant to offer insight to what should be advice and good counsel rather than specific instruction.
Enough of nebulous concepts and stitched filigree, for it's only after I share the true meaning of my efforts that the message will be shared, and my deed considered done.
You really hurt me, Kitten.
I was unprepared for the way you took my open hand and beating heart and stuck a knife through one and used the other as a place to display that once beating heart so I could see my own foolishness. To say that I could ever forget what happened when you told me never to talk to you again is as likely as time standing still. But I've learned from my innocence and naiveté, and I'll never allow my heart to be used with such disregard again for as long as I'm allowed to walk this Earth.
I'm not as angry with you as I could be, Kitten, nor will I express any foul sentiments at all, for you knew not what you were doing to a kind and cultured man who adored and cherished you in a way that you will never truly understand. In spite of the tears, the many months of soul searching, self examination, and the emptiness that will forever cloud my vision of happiness I still cannot, and will not, think of you without remembering how your giggle sounded in my ear and how it always lifted my spirits. I can only wish a thought could pervade your presence long enough to stir a smile and a gentle giggle once more, just to hear you tell me to stop so I didn't embarrass you further.
The maturity that I spoke of before will forever allow me to keep you in a small part of a broken heart that will remain yours, even if you chose to toss it to the ground and trample upon it with no regard for how it would make me feel. Of all the things that I will remember about you it won't be the way you used me like a stepping stone or play toy until a better person came along to stir your fancy -- no, I'll keep a kind image of you in my thoughts and always cherish the way I made you giggle, and laugh, and helped you share your ideas with me about a fantasied future that neither of us was entitled to.
You say you've wanted to send an email to see how I am. It wasn't until I checked your Booksie account, the day I posted to it, that I had enough courage to see if you were still alive or remembered me. It isn't that I'd forgotten nor gotten over you, but a sense of duty and honor that kept me from interfering where you'd told me I didn't belong. It's obvious by the recent changes in your life that you've not only moved on, but have also discarded so many of the things that were once incredibly special to you. I was one of those things, and that's appropriate after what happened this last year.
He looks so special. I'm honored that you'd let me see him. His is a life that should mean more to you than the moments it took to create him, for you're able to hold in your arms on a daily basis what was stripped from me before you were born and will forever leave me an empty and lonely man. I hope you cherish him and every second you get to spend with him, for I can only dream of days in my past when I could have done something similar with my own creation.
The heart that robbed you from me should be suspicious of your desire to communicate with me, because in spite of what you did to me and how you made me feel I might, in a moment of weakness, capitulate to my own desires for a better life, and once again surrender my heart and soul to an immature wish for happiness with you. Heed any thoughts of good judgment and keep his heart above mine for the remainder of your lives, for he gave you something that I could only have wished I could, and he must be a far more commanding presence than anything you thought I could have offered.
If he truly honored and loved you he would prove it by doing more than regard himself as your BF and take responsibilities for his actions and call you his bride so you may call him your husband. If it is you who is reluctant to take on such a role, then surrender your heart completely to the man who has obviously surrendered his passions to you, for it is only in the fullness of complete marriage that a child can know how much he is loved, and his parents can prove that love by taking on the responsibilities that seem daunting and insurmountable. In spite of all else I'd want your child to be happy and know his mother and father for many years as married people who aren't afraid of what life can bring.
Do not allow temptation to destroy what has greater meaning and more importance than what you've got right now, a father to your baby, a heart that is more important to you than mine was, and a kindred soul who can provide encouragement and solace when times get tough -- and they *will* get tough on the many roads ahead of you. It's okay to have a fleeting thought and a secret dream of what could be or what might happen, but reality is much too important to allow fantasy to destroy something as valuable as a family unit. Honor both of the men in your life and stay loyal to them above all and everyone else.
For you to tell me that you think of me often is a kind and considerate platitude, but I can't be swayed by daily thoughts of how you are and if my face and voice have tickled your fancy, even for a moment. If I were to hang onto an empty dream that you once offered like a piece of tainted candy I will never be able to move forward with my life, and I must move forward – it's obvious you have! Still, I'm grateful that you were willing to share the idea that I might still feature, however inconsequential it might be, in your routine from time to time.
I'm pleased that you're happy, because that's all I ever truly wanted from the moment I fell in love with you, and fell in love with you I did. I was so completely absorbed in how I could make you happy and what I could do to enhance your life that I completely disregarded the frequent hints and subtle messages that you kept sending me that I was little more than a distraction for you. Shame on me, but also shame on you.
You knew I really wasn't going to feature highly in your life, and yet you let me live with that fantasy for more than one day, and one day was far too long. You could have been honest and told me that I was nothing more than a play toy and temporary dalliance, or even that you wanted a friend to help you get through some tough times until you found someone more like yourself to fall in love with and live with for the rest of your life. But, alas, you chose, instead, to let me make a fool of myself, and what a supreme job of that I did. I'm sure you must have had a good laugh with your friends about how often and completely I made an utter simpleton of myself. Pity.
Happy? No, Kitten ... I lost any chance of happiness when I realized that my heart was no longer my own and that I'd lost it to someone who wanted to have fun playing with rather than cherish and protect it. I wish I could be happy again, but I won't delude myself with that belief any more than I'd wish for you to tell me there truly was a day, an hour, or even a moment when I was just as important to you as you were to me.
I had to laugh when you implied that you were hungry for a response to your note, not because I wish to mock you, but because you're still playing the same game with my heart that you were so good at so very long ago. Why would you send me a message from your old email address if you didn't anticipate a reply? You could have used an anonymous means to communicate your ideas, but you chose instead to tell me that you'd most likely be unable or unwilling to check for any potential reply using the same email address that once stirred my heart to beat wildly in my chest. That hurts almost as much as when you told me never to speak or communicate with you ever again, but I must also tell you, with some embarrassment, that my heart skipped more than a beat when I saw a note from you in my 'in-box' today. Yes, in spite of all that's happened you still have an effect on me that transcends intelligence and maturity. Silly me.
Still ... I can't be angry with you for sharing the images that you did. I'm honored that you'd be willing to do that and will cherish at least two of them (LOL).
You most likely won't understand what I'm trying to communicate in this perverse rambling, but I wish you could. If anything, I'd want your experiences with me to enrich your life and improve upon it rather than to offer a sense of anguish and despair for lost life, love, and happiness.
Be Well, Kitten, for in the grace of time and with a maturity that will only come with it, I hope you might tender a kind thought for an Old Man who would have given you the world. I had the means to do so, but you never knew that, because I needed to be sure you were ready to see more than you could have possibly known when you were old enough.
... Blessed Be.
Your Lucky Charm.
© Copyright 2016 Rewdius. All rights reserved.
Essay / True Confessions
Essay / True Confessions
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