The Global Supermarket

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short farce about modern slavery.

THE GLOBAL SUPERMARKET

"You know that the satisfaction of our employees is as important to us as the satisfaction of our customers. The work here can be fulfilling and it is a decent job for decent pay, just a little under hundred dollars. Are you up for the task?"

"You know, there is no other work, so I do not have that many options"
"Excellent, that is what we like to hear. Can you start this Monday?"
"Sure, I see no problem."
"I do. You need to prove you are not criminal. And that you are healthy enough to work. I mean we need evidence, that you have two hands and two legs. And at least six fingers total."
"Pardon me, but can't you just count them now?"
"That would be very unprofessional! You need to contact your doctor to send your medical files to our doctor and let him do the counting. Here are the papers you need."

“Well, thank you, I will do my best to make you happy.”
“Yes, I see you understand ho things work around here, now go.”

And so began my epic quest for the very first job in my life. There were many obstacles, but journey was worth the goal – to become the employee of such an important international company that is The Global Supermarket. I had to travel across the land, wait in too long lines. To my surprise I was NOT a criminal offender. I always thought of myself as a bad boy and now this? It was rather disappointing to me. Well that and that I had to pay for it. Also, my doctor wanted me to pay him like $50 for two pages pf paper stating I indeed do have two arms and two legs and more than six fingers total. Then I had to go to another doctor, the official Global Supermarket doctor, who wanted another $50 for the exact same two papers stating the exact same thing. With all the travel expenses and such I have spent about 2 months worth of my salary. But I was ready to work.

 

Or so I thought. I had no contract, so technically, I had no job. That would not be such a problem, since I will sign the papers first thing Monday morning, right? And I did! First thing Monday morning I went straight to the HR office. Where I had to wait about half an hour, because they had to prepare for the second coming of Christ or something. When I was finally allowed in, they were disappointed I was no Jesus. But there was this lovely wall of paper waiting behind rather angry lady. I got yelled at for the first time at my work. Because I was the reason she has to work now, instead of having coffee break for at least another half an hour. I told her that I was sorry and I got to finally hug all the papers on her table.

It was mostly boring stuff, you know. Safety regulations, how the job helps me become a better man. How humble beginnings lead to great things. And I was not prepared to know just how humble should my beginnings be! When I finally got to my contract, I realized it is not the contract I was promised. Specifically, It was part time job instead of full one, three quarters of the working hours for half the money. I have spent four months worth of my salary before even working one hour of the job that was different from the one that I was promised. I was... puzzled.

 

“Excuse me, miss, but that is not the wage I was promised?”
“Oh, it is a shortened version of what you were informed about, to comply with your specific needs”

“I have no specific needs, miss, I just want to work normal hours like a normal human being”
“Oh, that is alright, it would be a normal job with normal salary, if you were to work normal hours”

“Well, why am I not working normal hours then?”

“Oh, do not worry, you will be working more than what is written there. We just do it so we do not have to pay you for that.”
 

That logic was so flawless I was unable to say a word. I mean how can you refuse such an offer? Especially if you are totally broke because you have spent all your money on a job that does not exist? This was clearly a dream job of my life and I just had to sign.

 

“There is one more thing”

“What would that be, miss?”

“You have to sign that you agree with reducing your salary”
“You mean, that you cut it down because it is not a full time job?”
“No, I mean that you will be responsible for your mistakes financially.”

“What now?”

“Yes, that if you will do any mistake that an appropriate amount of money will be cut from your salary. Also, that the lunch provided by our canteen will be directly payed from your wage at the end of each month”

 

I have spent so much money on... This thing, whatever it was. It is not a job, more like a prison. And I have yet to start my first shift here.

 

“Great, now that you have signed everything, I can give you the uniform of our facility. Keep it nice and clean. In fact our company will give you whole 10 cents a month to do so!”

“WOW, that sure is something!”

“Just be careful, should you lose it, damage it or do anything else stupid to it, the cost of a new uniform will be retracted from your salary.”

 

Ma'am, I am not sure I will have a salary. From where I am standing, it seems I should pay you for working here. That sounds like a good plan! - I imagine would be her response. Then there was another lady, who escorted me to another part of this “facility.” It took most of my energy, all of my brain capacity and about two days and two hours of my time but I was finally at the place where I was supposed to work. I almost started my new “job.”


Submitted: August 07, 2015

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