Hugh Jackman Essay

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

I wrote this entire essay as a joke for my theatre 1 final. I got a 100, I don't think my teacher read it all the way through.

The views of this biography are satirical. Please disregard any falsified information.

 

Hugh Jackman was a typical Earthman, he was hatched as a pupa and grew on to become a prominant larva. During his days of boyish frivolity, he went to college, where he studied journalism. Then completely disregarding those four years of college he just paid for, he then spent even more money to go to a performing arts school, never looking back on his past enrollment in a school for the grammatically gifted. Then he decided to take on the role of a rootin' tootin' cowpoke in his college's production of "Oklahoma!". This proved successful, and after seeing said success, he was pleased with himself, and took a long 24 hour nap. When he arose from his excessively masculine slumber, an epiphany hit him. "What if I were to put this knowledge to good use? I mean my aspirations of being an actor, not the sensible career choice." And just like that he decided to punch the living daylights out of Dougray Scott and told him to go work on M:I2 for another two months, and then promptly sprouted genuine adamantium claws from his knuckles and extorted the casting director into submission to get Scott's old role. This too, proved successful, and even though X-men was in fact, the most atrocious thing to ever happen to the film industry, the very presence of Hugh Jackman's angry demeanor was enough of a subliminal aura that everyone keeled over with excitement and remained unconscious for the remainder of the movie, vaguely aware of the fact that he was still on screen, this brought the "viewers" pleasure beyond all human potential. The undeniable genius of this movie made him outragously lustful, and sought out a woman to bare children with, so he went back in time to 1995 to meet women and speak with his past self about which "babes" he could "score" with. He saw one that made him giddy with ravenous excitement, and drugged an unsuspecting

Deborra-Lee Furness, took her back to his house and convinced her she was his wife in an act not unlike Kurt Russell's Overboard. Which is suspicously Hugh Jackman's favorite movie. However, he learned much to his, or rather a poor former fellow collegiate's, demise, that whenever he attempted to mate, the sheer feeling of honor and gratitude to be on the receiving end of that is enough to make you and everyone in the room who isn't Hugh Jackman violently convulse for eight minutes and then consequently are sucked into the vacuum of spaceby forces unknown. Of course, because of the manner of how he had achieved his "bride", she had no idea how proud she should have been for being able to be in his house for over 20 minutes at a time without being ripped to shreds by his factual claws, let alone be

MARRIED to the man. However, the drawback was that on Hugh Jackman's end, the irradiating power of his ego rendered her ovaries useless, so she can never have children. Hugh Jackman wouldn't have any of this. So, during filming for X-men, he suddenly lashed out the cast, crew, director and producer and walked out the studio (not without throwing the catering company through the wall) and went to the nearest adoption clinic where he swiftly stole a total of 18 babies, recklessly stuffing them into a large sack, 16 out of 18 melt from the overwhelming happiness that is being near Hugh Jackman, of the two that survive, he finds one currently worthy of his time and sends another forward in time into his wife's womb in 2005 so she can continue to believe that she is really normal and everything is as Hugh Jackman says it is. While Hugh Jackman was busy creating more time paradoxes, he accidentally brought an entire recording crew and all star cast back to the vampire filled 1800s and killed and absorbed his soul and gained all of the powers of Van Helsing, he then demanded that the recording crew filmed his quest to claw the living daylights out of vampires and cause more time paradoxes to bring more classic gothic literature characters to his present time period to make this live action movie more interesting. But just as they were finishing up filming, he screamed at the top of his lungs to trigger another time jump, however, this destroyed some of the best parts of the film and killed the better half of the crew and cast. Upset with his mistake he ordered an editing crew to make the film great with the footage he had. Of course, man can only do so much, that's where Hugh Jackman came in. He mainly just yelled at them louder to make it better, and at times just pushed them aside and stated quite factually that he could do better on hard drugs, so he then grabbed the nearest dealer by the throat and forced him to give up all of his drugs, he promptly absorbed them just by staring at them and proceeded to edit the film. The end product is the film you know today, the original editors are still crying in fear wondering if they're going to be beaten senselessly by an unforgiving Hugh Jackman. Still not satisfied with the use of his claws, he leaped forward into the future and demanded that his studio make another X-men movie, this one all about him. They agreed out of shame and fear and tried to find actors with stones large enough to look him in the eye. This was  impossible, so they give all the actors contacts that completely blacked out their vision so that they wouldn't have to pass out from shock after staring into his eyes. However, they were able to find someone with a bloodthirst as great as Hugh Jackman's, Liev Schreiber. In the scene where they fight in the barn, that was actually a battle to the death, Hugh Jackman won. However, once again, Hugh Jackman had to stare absorb all of the drugs and do another editing job to make it look like Liev Schreiber could manage through the rest of the movie. The result was the best job of CGI ever. Hugh Jackman currently resides in his home, The Fortress of Solitude, which he evicted Superman from for looking at him funny. On weekends he throws classy, cocaine laiden parties at Batman's mansion. He's currently number 1 through 10 in FBI's top ten most wanted list, but nobody has ever caught him.

 

 

 

 

 

Please excuse spelling errors, english is not my first language, also, I'm using wordpad.


Submitted: April 13, 2012

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Comments

JollyGreenGir

haha, this is cool. You must've worked really hard on this. Great job :))

Fri, April 13th, 2012 10:37pm

Joonie

omg i couldnt stop laughing!!!

Sun, April 15th, 2012 4:17pm

Rip Dyno

The funny thing is, this complete adlib. Hardly a bit of editing was done, but it must have taken have taken four hours to write!

Thu, April 19th, 2012 10:01pm

eludingdarling

*Nods head* Seems legit. Ahh, this filled me with sheer amusement and respect, RESPECT WOMAN! Don't tell Hugh Jackman though, for he'll surely end me. ( ._.) *whispers* but yeah, this was amazing. *looks around* I think its safe! That was a close hjgdhhjklgedgjit

Sun, April 29th, 2012 4:41am

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