my life...in my own words i guess...

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
its my life...in my own words i guess... (eminem)

Submitted: August 05, 2010

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Submitted: August 05, 2010

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I can’t live like this. I miss my past everyday. Everyday is a constant reminder of my mistakes. People I’ve lost, and lost love. As I am alone, I can’t help but feel that I’ve brought this on myself. They say you must love yourself before you can ever love someone else. But that’s what makes me different. The more I love someone else, the more I love myself. It is not wrong, just a different way to live. Everyone needs to be loved. I feel this empty space in my heart. I feel alone. There’s no hope to keep going when you are alone. I find it difficult to be myself when I’m alone. My thoughts keep racing back and forth, between my mistakes ive made, and what I hope the future holds. Everyday is a fight to hold onto these future thoughts. To keep striving to reach my potential, but then is not worth the fight. Its not worth the struggle to live my days alone in this world. I need to have this space in my heart filled. I can’t take the emptiness. It’s a dark spot that seems to never disappear.
I feel I’m breathing my last breaths. It’s a fight I cannot win. This needs to end. The blood and sweat and tears of my life will soon be a distant memory. Blood is coursing through my veins at a steady pace, but only for the last time. My hours are numbered. Sometimes its only best to let go. To let life go on without you. many will find comfort in one another, and soon you will forget me. The imprint of this life I lead will fade into darkness. It’s time to give up this fight. When everyday is a struggle just to breathe. To take a look at this world and wonder where life really is.
 I see these so called friends pass each day, but in my eyes they are strangers. They have a body, but no face. They are a figure of my imagination.
Letting go now is my destiny. A destiny im ready to face. I want to be your past. I want to put these thoughts to rest. To take that leap of faith, and show the world I can control my life, and my death.
As these years past, I find myself in my mirror frequently. Staring at a stranger. A man with a face, but no true purpose. He does not know when he will finally be brave enough to take that leap of faith. All he knows that the man staring back at him is not someone he recognizes anymore. He turns away, to try to avoid the man. He turns back, and yet the stranger is still there, piercing into his soul with those vengeful eyes. All he can do is shatter the glass as the man disappears.
I’m locked away. I am trapped in this labyrinth called my mind. Every turn is a dead end. The lights are dimming. He can barely see his own hand in front of his face. The darkness takes over his body, and consumes his soul. His breathing is getting shallow. He can feel his lungs coming to a stop. He closes his eyes to soak in the moment, for this is his true heaven.
It’s time to break out of this cage. To embrace these thoughts. His cigarettes are his savior. To escape the real world and begin the journey through the never ending puzzles of his mind once more. He cannot find a reason to live, and yet day after day he struggles through, hoping these thoughts leave his mind once and for all. They say “here, take this. It will make you feel better” is that all we can do to fix this? Take these jagged little pills everyday and pray to feel right? Everything is so wrong. Why can’t we end it all?
Don’t try to stop me, ive made up my mind. This is the way its gotta be. I’m leaving this world for a better place, for the first and the last time. As I fall to my death, I’ll think of this life I’ve left behind, and smile to know that finally, it’s all over. I no longer have to live this lie. I fought the world, and the world won. Now there’s one less person to get in your way. Your life can only be better without me. I am finally going to be at peace. To leave the sadness that drowns my soul all my days. It’s finally time to say goodbye. And this is what I want. Don’t try to change my mind. This is my destiny. To control life, and end mine. I hope god gives me this chance. I came into this world much too soon. In fact it was a mistake to put me here at all. I struggle to hold back these tears, because they are the doubt in my mind. They cannot escape. I’ve lived in agony day after day. This is not the life I want to lead. You think you have me all figured out. That you know my life, inside and out. You couldn’t be more wrong. These twists and turns of my mind scare ME, so how can you say you know me? My mind is endless twists and turns to dead ends and darkness. My mind and soul are one. Both dark with sadness and depression. Not to hurt others, just myself. To push this life away, and be free. To end these feelings in my head. I want to spread my wings. To move on from here. I need to move up. To leave this earth. I need to see what my heaven is. I can only pray that god will forgive me for my moment of weakness and accept me for who I am. Because this is that day. The day I can finally return to my home. A home far, far away from here.
What do you do when you hate the man staring back at you. You see him everyday. You hate his face. You hate his eyes. You hate the blood that runs through his veins. You want to watch him die. You want to see him breathe his last breath. You can’t stand to hear his voice. The thought of him makes your stomach turn. That stupid smile he wears daily to pretend he is ok. He does his best to keep to himself. He feels that the world is laughing with him, but they are laughing at him. He hates this life he leads. This man that you must watch live everyday. Watch every mistake he makes, watch all the hearts he breaks. Watch him get lost in his own twisted thoughts just to get by. You want to choke out his last breath. You want to beat him until he is nothing more than a pool of blood. You want to stab him endlessly as you cry, but it’s only because you know it’s what’s best. You want to pull the trigger to end his life. You want to be the one to give him the final shove from the bridge as he debates his choices. You want to put this man into a world of eternal darkness. Just to put an end to his madness. He lays awake at night wishing day after day that he could make that final choice. He wants to find the courage inside himself to take those final steps to his death. You are that courage. You are the mindset this man needs.  You are the power within him to take his life. You’re the pills he needs. You’re the push he has been waiting for to take his own life. Somehow you let this man live each day in agony and despair. How do you let this man continue on like this? This is the only life he knows. He has lost his soul somewhere along this broken road. He has been waiting for you. The only one who can help. The one who can finally take his life and put him in his rightful place of eternal rest. This man wants rest from these endless thoughts that will drive him to insanity. You want nothing more than to take his life and end his worthless self.  But what do you do, when that man you want to kill… is you…
These days this is all we do. We sit and watch the clock tick. Watching our lives fade one at a time, right before our eyes. Its hard to believe its my time. Time to say goodbye. Its time to leave this place. Turn and run. I promise one day ill be back. One way or another we will see each other in another place. But as for me, its time to leave. To go my own direction, to take leave of these days. I cant do this anymore. Sometimes its hard to admit failure, but its time to accept it and let it go. All we really need is to find our place somewhere away from here. To take a chance and make it on our own or crumble. We will all take the fight. But as my friends fall around me, I begin to wonder why I am still here. Why did they leave before me. We never forget them, and yet somehow we still strive to push on everyday even when they are not here. They need to be here, but its time for me to leave. I’m strong enough to let go and say goodbye to this world. Its not right to watch them die. They didn’t ask for this. but this is my life and I envy them. They were the ones who were lucky. God called my brothers home and left me here alone. I stare down the barrel of this gun waiting to join my fellow men. We go through our pointless lives and somehow forget them. These men that I idolize. That have left this life and gone to sleep. Im so tired. Its time to sleep…

 


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