Unsaid words

Reads: 205  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
i don't know what will happen after this, but at least i got the chance to tell you what i wanted to say the moment i realized what i really feel about you.

Submitted: April 18, 2016

A A A | A A A

Submitted: April 18, 2016

A A A

A A A


 

Hi,
I just want to tell you a secret and I want you to tell it to him too. I fell for this guy I've met somewhere for almost six months now. Hindi ko alam kung makakamove on pa ba ko kahit na hindi naman naging kami, but I know soon enough I will. So now, I want to do what's best for me. I want to let go my feelings for him. I don't have an idea on how should I tell him in person without me running out of words and forgetting what I need to say, so I just made this letter to express what I feel. He doesn't know how hurt I am right now. I don't even think if aware siya na nasasaktan ako. I guess not. I'm not the type of person na mabilis mag give up. Kapag may gusto ako, I will do everything para makuha yon, I will wait kahit na gusto ko ng sumuko because I know it's worth it and ayokong magsisi sa huli na siguro if I had the courage to wait, nakuha ko sana. Pero bakit ganon? This time all I want is him pero ang hirap pala. Lahat ng friends ko pinapatigil na ko, pero I always hold on to my hope and prayers na sana akin nalang siya, na baka matutunan niya rin akong magustuhan katulad ng pagkakagusto niya sa ex girlfriend niya. But who am I kidding? Sino ba naman ako diba? Walang wala sa ex niya. Ang tanga ko daw sabi ng friends ko, magtira naman daw ako ng love for myself. To the point na nagalit na sila sakin. They pushed me na tanungin siya kung anong meron sa amin, but I always told them to back off because I'm afraid of his answers. Hindi pala talaga lahat ng bagay nakukuha mo. Minsan kailangan din palang tumigil kasi baka may iba pang bagay na mas better na naghihintay for me.
I remember this author's note while reading a story. "It's easier said than done. Ang daling magsabi na magtira ka para sa sarili mo pero kapag yung taong mahal mo na ang involved hindi naman pwedeng 99% lang ang ibibigay mo. It's always 100% kapag nagmamahal ka. Pwede mo bang sabihin na "hanggang dito lang ang pagmamahal ko, magtitira ko para sa sarili ko, hindi na lalagpas sa limit na to." Ofcourse not. When you're inlove wala kang pakialam sa limits, basta nagmamahal ka. Inuuna mo lagi siya at iniisip mo kung ano ang nagpapasaya sakanya."
He's breaking my heart and he doesn't even know it. There is no feeling that could compare to what it's like whenever I lie close to him on his chest. Hearing and feeling his heartbeat—it's a beautiful sound and I can listen to it all day long. It hurts to think now that he will no longer be around me if he plans to avoid me after this. Kasi kung ako lang, hindi talaga ako lalayo, yes I've thought about it, gagawin ko na sana pero whenever he's saying that he doesn't want to lose "another friend", hindi ko rin pala talaga kayang gawin. Unless, he told me to do so or siya na mismo lalayo, tatanggapin ko. I almost wish I never met him because of the pain I'm feeling right now. But I can't, because this pain reminds me that I've known him, that he's real, that I fall for him.. so hard. I don't want to let go my feelings for him kasi narealize ko na siya na yung gusto kong kasama at kausap everyday. Gusto ko akin lang siya. crazy haha.
But I need to. I should. How I wish he met me first. Baka sakaling may magbago, baka sakaling naging kami. Iniisip ko pa lang kinikilig na ako. Iniisip ko pa na, siguro if I were "her" I would never hurt him like the way she did, I would never entertain some other guys when I know that I already have him. I would always support him sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, I would be his cheerleader sa lahat ng bagay. Pero good thing hindi, kasi hindi ko ata kayang iiwan niya ko, hindi ko ata kakayanin kung makikipag break siya sakin. Kahit hindi kami natuto akong maging masaya narin kahit na walang label yung mga ginagawa namin. Natuto akong maging patient, magtiis ng dahil sakanya. I feel like he is so good for me, but everyone around us think otherwise. Sandaling panahon lang yung pinagsamahan namin pero sobrang laki ng epekto niya sakin. I will treasure every moment ng nangyari samin. Every single moment of it.
Siya nalang lagi kong iniisip, from the time I woke up until before I sleep. Makalimutan ko man siya sandali lang then maaalala ko na ulit. When I think about him, hindi ko alam kung anong nangyayari sakin, kinikilig ako and hindi na matanggal yung ngiti sa labi ko. Just the thought of him makes me really happy. I can't even stay mad at him for a long time even if I wanted to. Ilang beses na kong nagtatampo sakanya ng hindi niya alam, gusto kong malaman niya pero wala pala kong karapatang magtampo.
Kaya kapag kinausap na niya ako, even if I wanted to still be mad I just can't. kausapin niya lang ako nawawala na inis ko. Especially when he calls me by my nickname, gosh wala na talaga yung inis ko, and when he calls me with that nickname he made just for me kapag magkasama kami, it sounds so perfect kapag siya yung nagsabi. His voice.. I really love his voice. When he speak, it makes me smile for no reason kahit pa nga voice message lang sa facebook messenger. I always imagine din his voice kahit sa chat or text lang. Whenever his name flash on my screen, I'm always looking forward sa kung anong laman ng text/chat message niya. Kahit ano pang sinabi niya, I always find a way para magreply kahit pa may class at kahit pa wala rin akong load. After he said his goodnight, I always back read all our conversations from that day all over again hanggang sa kiligin nalang ako ulit. Those times na sinusundo niya pa ko before we went to our secret place na siya lang at ako yung magkasama, kapag naglalakad kami, hindi niya ata alam pero tinitingnan ko siya and I've always wanted to hold his hand. I always wished na sana maisip niya na hawakan yung kamay ko habang naglalakad kami. When I look at him, wala na akong pakialam sa paligid. All I can see is him. Siya lang. I felt really shy when I'm with him. It makes me feel really conscious about my look kapag tinititigan niya ko that's why I'm always telling him not to look at me. Bakit kaya kapag magkasama kami sobrang bilis ng oras? Yung feeling na ayoko ng lumayo sakanya. Whenever I bury my face on his chest, his smell makes me feel so calm. He really smells so good kahit na pinawisan pa siya. His hugs makes me feel contented and safe. His kisses makes me feel weak and his touch makes me forget about my limits. Kahit na alam kong I shouldn't have done that because he's not even my boyfriend and I can feel that he still loves his ex girlfriend, pero ginawa ko pa din and it makes me think na bumaba yung worth ko and I'm not deserving for that "someone" in the future kung hindi man kami ang magkatuluyan. Pero as what I've said, wala akong pakialam sa lahat ng limits kapag siya yung kasama ko. His flaws makes him perfect and I love every single one of them, tinanggap ko lahat ng meron sakanya. And sometimes, it makes me feel so jealous kapag may binabanggit siyang ibang girls, but I know where to stand kasi alam ko namang wala akong karapatan sakanya. Gusto ko nalang siyang ipagdamot sa ibang girls pero hindi pala pwede. I know from the start na maraming pwedeng magbago and yun talaga yung kinakatakutan ko kaya ayokong naaattach, masasanay kang kausap yong taong yon, simula pag gising hanggang pagtulog at kapag may nagbago na..masasaktan ka talaga. Change is the only constant thing in this world. At ngayon alam kong meron nga, yung feeling na parang dati gusto niya ako laging kausap. Yung pag gising ko "Good morning" niya agad yung nasa phone ko, it makes me feel so special and feeling ko naaalala agad niya ko the moment na nagising siya. Yung feeling na parang alam mong hindi siya nabobored sa usapan niyo. Yung kapag sinabi niyang maliligo, kakain, or may gagawin lang siya sandali, bumabalik siya. Yung kapag may free time siya at walang class nagtetext siya. Yung hindi niya ko siniseen kasi gusto niya na siya yung may huling chat sa conversation namin at kahit natagalan siyang magreply, magrereply padin siya for the last time to end the convo. Yung kapag nalate siyang magreply nagsosorry siya. Yung kapag nagtext siya tas nagreply ako nagrereply pa ulit siya. Yung nagsesend pa siya ng stickers na sinesend namin with eachother. Yung kapag online siya chinachat niya ako agad. Pero ngayon alam kong may nagbago, hindi yon dahil sa sinasabi niyang busy siya. Actually, naiintindihan ko yon, and I said I don't have the right pero alam ko talagang meron. Ngayon, hindi ko alam kung gusto pa ba niya akong kausap na parang nauubusan na siya ng sasabihin kapag kausap ako. Pag gising ko wala pa yung good morning niya na minsan inaabot na ng tanghali o minsan naman as in wala talaga and it makes me think na hindi ako yung unang pumasok sa isip niya pagkagising niya hindi katulad dati (It sounds so demanding sorry) . Kapag sinabi niyang maliligo, kakain o may gagawin lang siya it's so hard for him na bumalik man lang para sabihin na hindi muna siya makakapagtext dahil may gagawin pa siya. Nakakalungkot kasing maghintay hanggang gabi bago siya magparamdam ulit. Kahit na alam kong may free time siya hindi na niya ko tinetext. Feeling ko itetext nalang niya ko kapag mag isa siya at kailangan niya ako. Minsan siniseen na rin niya ko. Hindi katulad dati na parang nagulat pa siyang naseen pala niya ako tapos nagsosorry siya. Kapag nagtext siya at nagreply ako hindi na ulit siya nagrereply, ako na lagi yung huli sa mga texts namin, but I understand naman talaga kung may class pa siya. Lagi ko naman siyang iniintindi. Hindi na rin siya nagsesend ng stickers na sinesend namin with each other. I remember one time sinendan ko siya ng sticker na yon, but he didn't send me one, nagsend siya ng hindi ko alam kung ano. Kapag medyo matagal akong hindi nagonline, chat niya agad yung bubungad sakin, but now wala na. Minsan naman online siya pero hindi niya ko kinakausap. I can see his new posts and this time it really makes me think na may nagbago nga. Kung dati gusto niya kong kausap ngayon alam kong hindi na. There's no excuses for that, If you really wanted to talk to someone you'll find ways. I know because I do that, I always find ways makausap lang siya. I rant those things kahit na wala nga pala akong right mag demand kasi, oo nga pala, hindi nga pala kami.. I know what I just said was childish, but I can't help it. Andito na to. Alam na niya, so why keep all the things I wanted to say since then. Every song nalang na naririnig ko reminds me of him. Lalo na yung mga songs na shinare namin sa isa't isa. Everything by Michael Bublè is pretty special to me actually. I don't know, but the first time I heard this siya agad naisip ko. So since then lagi ko na pinapakinggan, I also wished na sana kantahin niya yon for me, and I'm so lucky to have a chance. We both listened to that song while cuddling and I am so happy that time. Habang sinasabayan niya yung song mas lalo akong nahuhulog, umasa nalang ako na para sakin yung lyrics nung song from him. He sounds so manly and it makes me feel so calm. Ayoko nalang matapos yung kanta. Kaya mas lalo ko ng naging favorite yung song and I know na hindi talaga ako mag sasawa kahit ulit ulitin ko pa.
I'm not good with expressing my feelings especially kapag personal kaya I just chose to write this baka kasi magback out ako kapag kaharap ko na siya and just forget nalang na nasasaktan pala ako. I just hope na sana ma clear na niya yung mind niya. Please tell him not to waste his time being confused. I know he still loves her and hindi naman sa dinidictate ko na makipagbalikan na siya sa ex niya, it's still his choice anyway. I think they're both really good for eachother. I told him before na wag makipag hiwalay kung hindi siya sigurado, but he did it, that's why I don't understand kung bakit ngayon pakiramdam ko gusto niya talagang makipag balikan, hindi niya sinabi directly pero ramdam ko. Kahit na sobrang sakit sa tuwing nalalaman at makitang magkasama sila, alam ko namang wala akong magagawa. Mas lalo ko lang dinadown yung sarili ko. Tell him not to worry about my feelings, nasanay nalang ako habang tumatagal. Nasasanay na rin naman akong hindi siya kausap this past few days. Tell him I'm sorry sa lahat ng demands ko, or kung minsan I got to be really clingy and so jealous, nakalimutan ko lang siguro na hindi nga pala kami. I'm sorry kasi sinisira ko yung "friendship" na meron kami ngayon dahil lang sa gusto ko siya. napaka selfish ko no?
Please also tell him that I'm really thankful for those times we've shared together. He was my first kiss. I should have given that to my first boyfriend before at least, but I don't care, that kiss from him was so sweet and I wouldn't trade if for anything else.
Tell him I want to stop communicating him from now on, Gusto ko, pero hindi ko kaya.. so just tell him na please stop everything right now. Siya na yung magsimula, Itigal na niya lahat ng ginagawa niya sakin, tell him to treat me as one of his "kakilala" or "friends". Remove the nickname, kiss emoticons and everything kasi hindi ko kayang ako yung gagawa non. Please tell him to do me a favor to tell it straight to my face or chat/text kung wala talaga kaming pag asa kasi aasa lang ako forever. Everything is so new to me, akala ko wala ng sasakit pa sa break up namin ng ex boyfriend ko pero I didn't see this coming. First time ko din mag effort ng ganto kahaba dahil tamad talaga ako mag isip ng letter at magtype, but I guess nasa edge lang talaga ako ng emotions ko ngayon kaya ko nagawa to.
I remember lang.. thankful talaga ako sa mga tao sa paligid ko, nang dahil kay Liam nakilala kita, kung hindi siguro sila nag omegle ni Jullia hindi tayo magkakakilala lol. Kung hindi rin siguro dahil sa lalaking nagkagusto sakin baka hindi ako nagkaroon ng courage na gawin tong letter na to. I started comparing that guy na nagkakagusto sakin dun sa taong gusto ko. I started to think na bakit gusto niya ko at yung gusto ko hindi ako magawang magustuhan? I started comparing kung anong meron sa taong gusto ko na wala sa ibang guys. I don't know why, he's not perfect, malayo sa type ko.. pero, bakit siya lang yung nakakapag bigay ng feeling sakin na ganito? nafufrustrate ako sakanya and wanted to just stop talking to him whenever I feel like it pero at the end of the day ako nanaman yung makakamiss. Why so unfair? bakit sakanya pa ako nagkagusto? and then that's it. Siya lang talaga kahit anong gawin ko. I'm trying naman na magkagusto sa iba eh, pero hindi ko magawa. Tell him na makakamove on din ako sakanya, magagawa ko yun I swear. Pag nangyari yon pwede ko na talaga siyang maging literal na "Best friend" just like ng sabi niya dati, makakapagsabi na ako sakanya about sa ibang lalaking magugustuhan ko and everything. I promise.. pero hindi pa ngayon kasi magmomove on muna ako sakanya. Please tell him to help me. I will miss him. I will miss everything. Tell him not to mention this to me :( I don't know what will I say to him..
Ps. He increase blood flow to my brain in all of the right places and he makes me have premature ventricular contractions.


© Copyright 2017 rochelleacuin. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments:

More True Confessions Short Stories

Booksie 2017-2018 Short Story Contest

Booksie Popular Content

Other Content by rochelleacuin

Unsaid words

Short Story / True Confessions

Popular Tags