MY organised chaos

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is more of a realisation by a person who is constantly battling with her own self. She realises after putting herself down for ages, that she is her only salvation, and she can continue with herself as she is, if she only learns to love herself.

Submitted: June 24, 2008

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Submitted: June 24, 2008

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MY organised chaos
 
sometimes definitions are just beyond me,
and words seem to lose themselves somewhere inside my regrets and spiritual ails.
 
there are days when i am just here,
and can only cope.
i can only believe in the divine balance of self love and self hate,
that these things inside of me, beautiful or ugly as they might be,
are mine.
and i have no power, or desire, to leap out of them.
because i AM these things.
 
sadly i have days when i want to die,
not because i really want to die,
but because sometimes i just don’t know how to live,
if one can ever know how to live.
and sometimes, it’s the one-day-dying part that i just don’t know how to face.
 
the same way i guess,
that i don’t know how not to love people whom i shouldn’t.
and to stop longing for them,
and pining for the things they never really brought to my life.
 
i want to look into the future and stop clinging to the past,
but i don’t know how.
sadly, i have fallen into this abyss of despair and self-pity,
and i don’t want to get out,
at least not in this lifetime.
 
yet, strangely, i find tranquillity in this war i have declared against myself.
somewhere amidst the ruins, the destruction and the ashes,
i am finding pieces of myself i thought i had lost in all the battles I fought to be understood.
i am learning that i can love people as much as i want,
but if i have no love for this self ,
this chaotic, but beautifully complex self,
this foolish, yet courageous self that i live with each day,
then i don’t need to know how to live,
or how to die,
because i will be dead before i even know that i AM alive.
 
so organised, is this chaos, that I AM.
 


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