Love Doesn't Come Without Pain: Chapter 2: Brett
Short Story by: rocketdog07
Reads: 452 | Likes: 0 | Shelves: 0 | Comments: 2
* Look for Love Doesn't Come Without Pain: Chapter 3: Mylee
Submitted: June 04, 2010
© Copyright 2022 rocketdog07. All rights reserved.
Comments
I saw should have read as 'I sat'
Fri, June 4th, 2010 2:48pmFacebook Comments
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Cleveland
Editorial suggestion:
Fri, June 4th, 2010 2:46pmchange Brett’s P.O.V
to become Brett (add his surname).
That means the whole chapoteris written in the first person. make that clear immediately by using the 'I' word. Then drive the story through as simply as possible with drama and tension.( This is chapter 2 but it still need re-writing.
Your words:
“You still gonna go talk to her dad later?” John asks me while I am hunched over on the cement disappointed in the fact that I have waited too long to tell Mylee how I feel even though I didn’t get the chance to tell her that she is the love of my life, the only girl I want, the girl I need more than anything.
Read what you write aloud and let the words sink in. Count the words and it is far too many used to get a message over.Go for Action. Dialogue. Action. It works every time if you get stuck and it builds in tension.
Perhaps then something along the lines:
I saw hunched over with my knees drawn up to my chest staring at the dust and thinking of Mylee.Somebody stopped in front of me and stood there silent . Watching. A minute passed. I looked up out of curosity to see who it was.
"Well, what will you say to her father?" John asked, concern written over her face. "You do love her, don't you?"
Use what I've written if you like. And then work your way through the rest.
Good luck with your writing.
Author
Reply
thank you so much for the suggestions... i'll see what i can do... :)
Fri, June 4th, 2010 7:51am