5'a'side footballl write up

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A write up of my work teams 5's'side football calamities.

Submitted: January 10, 2008

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Submitted: January 10, 2008



Match Week 13

Mystery Machines vs Drayton Metrostars


Welcome back all. I hope you had a good Crimbo and New Year and got everything you asked for. If not, well better luck next year.


This first write up of the new year is dedicated to my biggest fan, who since day one has been singing my praises…That’s right, none other than…well myself. Here’s to you Rohan.


This Crimbo and New Year hangover has since faded away and yet the team had never been so short of players. Absentees this week were Dave Martin who, I can only assume has contracted the plague. Joel Mitchell, who offered to play was only teasing and didn’t bring his kit in on the Monday. As for Nathan Woodhams well, its not enough he gets paternity leave for his unpunctual offspring, but Little Erin is born surely he should be back? How long does it take for a newborn to fend for itself? In my day if you couldn’t walk, talk and fight within 48 hours of being born you got fed to the hound. Parents are getting soft if you ask me.


On a more kind and caring note, one I’m not happy having to hit. I’m sure you’ll all wish Nath and his substantially better half all the best in parenthood.


Anyway, when we did eventually work out a team it looked something like this. This week, if the players were actors or film characters.




Rohan Tailor (Jackie Chan) – Small, Asian and seemingly harmless. His monkey like agility helps him to no end.




Ben Sargeant (Jean-Claude Van Damme) – Packs a big punch for someone who barely breaks the 4 foot barrier.


Nigel (???) (Arnold Schwarzenegger in Terminator 2) – Had a job to do, came along, did it then disappeared.




Mark Blount (Rambo) – Shoots, shoots some more then shoots again. When he’s finished shooting, he shoots

again for good measure.


Al (??) (Rambo II) – Is convinced he can take on the entire opposition by himself. Regularly succeeds.




Adam Allaway (Brad Pitt) – May as well just be a face, that’s what he’s best known for.


The usual support in Kathleen and Gemma was replaced by a stoned guy with a harmonica, the old amecian harmonica blues song seemed a fitting song based on how the match would eventually pan out.


Once kick off had taken place it became apparent the New Year hangover was still…well hanging over.


Within minutes of kick off the M&Ms found themselves 2 down. Within 5 minutes it was 4 down. A minor fight back took place but it was very much end to end goals. The ball found its way through stand in goalkeeper Mark at every given opportunity, his defence did little to stop the relentless hail of shots though.


Half Time: M&M 4 v 12 Drayton Metros


The second half saw first choice keeper (Albeit not for long based on this performance) Rohan Tailor return between the sticks and trigger happy Mark Blount took a turn out on pitch.


As with the first half, the goals came at both ends with the M&Ms having a short rally towards the end. With nowhere near enough time to pull it off, the M&Ms succumbed to a 20-12 loss. Happy new year my ass!


Full Time: M&Ms 12 – 20 Drayton Metros


M.O.M:  Al - Scored the lion share of our goals…yet again.


Moment of the match: Before the match actually started, the players were knocking the ball between them very slickly. Unfortunately, this wasn’t taken onto the pitch.


Moan of the Match: The opposition kit – Drayton’s kit was a blinding ‘post-it note’ orange. One player even had the cheek to wear bright yellow boots and loosely resembled a citrus fruit salad.


Quote of the match: Referee – “They’re way to stupid to think of that”

After Al went down claiming his shirt was being pulled the referee explained how there was now chance of that happening as Drayton have the combined IQ of a gingerbread man and would never think of doing something clever like that.



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