The Legend of James the Great

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story was written based on a writing prompt given by my English teacher. Extremely far-fetched yet amusing, I thought this would be a fun start for imput on improving my writing abilities. (believe me, this needs it.)

Submitted: December 24, 2007

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Submitted: December 24, 2007

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The Legend of James the Great
Once upon a time in the land of Tylonelle, a plague raged throughout its residents. The victims suffered from massive warts on their foreheads and legs and a spiking fever. Those infected had little hope for survival, for the disease also attracted the wild mongooses who hunted them down. The people of Tylonelle began to lose hope until a renowned doctor came up with an idea. 
He discovered that a solution of gypsy tears and ragweed would cure the infected people. Tylonelle inhabited the materials needed, but the potion would only work when the infected people consume it to the sound of the Allman Brothers band. Not a recording existed in the land, for Tylonelle officials forbade the music to be heard.
One young boy journeyed to the doctor, telling him that his valiance could lead him through this quest for the recording. “Your name, son?” the doctor asked.
“Jimmy,” the boy replied.
“Only the truly brave at heart can undertake this quest, Jimmy. To retrieve the sacred Allman Brothers recording, one must journey though the Forbidden Forest, up the Chocolate Mountains, and into the Tramlaw Castle, where Japanese ninjas guard the recording.”
In bewilderment, Jimmy asked, “How do you know of its whereabouts?”
The doctor paused. “That’s classified information. For this quest, you must take the Sword of David.” He pulled out an extendable sword from his pocket and gave it to Jimmy. It resembled plastic to the touch. “General Beckham used this sword in the battle of the Rising Tides. He stabbed the general of the opposing army in the heart and cried a scream of victory over all the land. Do not let appearances fool you. This sword will go through any type of material.”
Jimmy exclaimed in eagerness, “I shall go and find this recording with your blessing, doctor!” He quickly headed out to the main street.
Before Jimmy disappeared in the mass of people, the doctor cried, “Go, Jimmy! Bend it like Beckham!”
As he entered the forest, he spotted a squadron of wild pelicans feasting on blueberries. He knew of the telekinesis that the pelicans carried, so he tried to not catch their attention. In his attempt to sneak around the squadron, he stepped on a baby pelican, who apparently just learned the basics of its powers. The pelican lifted Jimmy into the air and let out a tremendous roar that catapulted Jimmy over the forest. He landed in a giant Cyprus tree and fell into a coma.
Roughly ten days worth of time elapsed. As he awoke, he glanced off into the distance to see the Chocolate Mountains with smoke surrounding them. He heard a moaning and slightly drunken cry from that direction.
“Charrrlliieee…. Chhharrrrlliiieeee….”
He ran toward the sound and found two unicorns kneeling by a tree with bottles everywhere. “What’s wrong? What happened to Chocolate Mountain?” asked Jimmy.
One of the unicorns whined, “Chocolate Mountain has no joy anymore…Not without Charlie…”
“Charlie?”
“Charlie's our lawyer. The government sued us for causing obesity in children. Now, they sent Martha Stewart to pump the magical sugar out of Chocolate Mountain.”
The second unicorn belched and added, “We fell into a state of depression and started drinking Yoo-hoo to ease the pain.”
“Well, I don’t think that’s Yoo-hoo,” Jimmy said.
“Can you help us?”
“If you can help me get to the Tramlaw Castle, I will help you get rid of these people.”
“Deal,” both of the unicorns answered eagerly.
Equipped with his sword, Jimmy marched to the guards surrounding the government headquarters and attempted to reason with them, but they only spoke Spanish. Quick on his feet, and remembering that the Sword of David could destroy anything, he stabbed the side of the mountain by which the building stood. An avalanche of lollipops and chocolate came pouring down the side of Chocolate Mountain and buried the government center and officials in its tracks. Also, as a result of the pollution caused by the machines, the candy was radioactive.  Jimmy ran as fast as possible away from the chaos. He could have sworn that he heard Martha Stewart scream in agony “Ahh! I’m melting!” in the distance.
He met the unicorns by a tree. “Hooray!” they cried. “You saved Chocolate Mountain!” As they spoke, Jimmy stared in confusion at the pile of radioactive waste that he had “saved.” They continued, “Before you get to the Tramlaw Castle, you must meet the Oracle, and she will ask you a riddle. If you guess the answer incorrectly, she will set her hounds on you.”
“Okay. Where is the Oracle?” he asked.
“She lives in a shack nearby. You cannot miss it; it has a neon Coca-Cola sign above it.”
He journeyed onward out of the mountains. Spotting the flashing lights, he cautiously advanced toward the shack and opened the rusty door. He saw farm equipment and bails of hay everywhere. Suddenly, he heard an eerie yet soothing voice fill the barn. “I’ve been expecting you,” the voice said.
From the other side of the barn sat a very beautiful woman in a full pink dress. Her complexion glowed with the comfort of a sunrise, and her golden hair rested freely over her shoulders. Jimmy weakly composed himself enough to ask if the Oracle stood before him.
“Yes,” she replied. “I know of your quest, young James of Tylonelle. You desire to find the sacred Allman Brothers recording to save your kingdom, correct?”
“Yes,” he answered, although clearly his mind ventured elsewhere.
“You also know that it resides in the Tramlaw Castle guarded by the cruelest martial artists the world has ever set eyes on, and that no man has ever returned from its midst without me granting them safe passage?”
Unable to resist the temptation that he saw in the woman’s physical features, Jimmy could not concentrate on what she said. “Please, can you ask me the riddle that will grant safe passage?” Jimmy rushed, averting his gaze away from the Oracle.
A mischievous smile flashed across the Oracle’s face. “Finish the fable that you have heard all your life. What did the boy want?”
Overindulged with horror, Jimmy’s face lost color. She referred to the Story with No Ending, the story that killed villages angered by its lack of an ending, and the story that had been passed down over Tylonelle families since its existence began. She referred to the parable of the three green golf balls.
“Well, what did the boy want?”
He heard the dogs that the unicorns warned him about barking in the background. His hands were drenched with sweat as he attempted to think of an answer. He decided to revert to his final option: to run from the scene.
He took off out of the shack, not looking back at the divine Oracle. His heart racing, he heard the blood-thirsty dogs coming up on his tail. Jimmy dodged through tree after tree, hill after hill, but the dogs continued to follow still fierce on the pursuit. They approached a small cliff that dropped directly into a lake. Jimmy, and the dogs soon after, leaped off the cliff and plummeted into a suffocating abyss. Jimmy rose to the surface gasping for air and did not see the dogs anywhere. He dove into the water again to find the mangled bodies of the dogs killed by the impact of the water.
A luminous figure attracted Jimmy’s attention. He stared into the depths toward the flickering light, realizing that he could not make it down there without another breath. He placed his hand on the scabbard containing the sword, and he felt the absence of water surrounding it. He drew out the sword and saw the streak of oxygen the sword left behind. He put his face into it and breathed to his surprise. However, the vacuum lasted only a few seconds. With this idea, Jimmy resurfaced and dove in for a final time.
He began slashing at the water ahead of him as he made his way toward the illumination, which belonged to a gigantic castle filled with neon lights. He landed on a paved clearing and glanced at the sign above the drawbridge. He thought of the owners as foolish for misspelling the name of Tramlaw Castle. He swam through the drawbridge of “Wal-Mart” Castle and entered a chamber encased with drains. The water of the lake gradually left the room, enabling Jimmy to breathe comfortably.
An adjacent door opened to a cavernous room filled with shelves of food, clothing, and other various objects that Jimmy had never seen before. Immediately, a woman chimed in a sing-song voice over the intercom, “Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.”
The infamous Japanese ninjas, all carrying weapons, quickly rolled out on shopping carts. Screaming, they bounded for Jimmy, who took off on a motor scooter into an aisle containing children’s toys. The demonic and acrobatically inclined ninjas leaped over the aisle ways. Jimmy quickly grabbed a doll and hurled it at an airborne ninja, knocking him out cold. Throwing stars came at him in all directions. Jimmy caught a glimpse of the sacred recording enclosed in a compartment above a cashier’s desk. This distraction sent him crashing into a bundle of teddy bears.
A group of ninjas surrounded him and let out cries in their native language. Jimmy leaped up with the Sword of David in one hand and a pink teddy bear in the other and tried to look as ferocious as possible. The ninjas just stared in confusion. Within the collective emerged none other than the Oracle, still wearing her ravishing pink dress, laughing cruelly.
“Ha! Your ignorance has gotten the best of you, James! I would have granted safe passage if you could have controlled your impatience and temperament, unlike all of the other rebels before you who have tried to find the recording for their own use.” She pulled out a gun and aimed it at Jimmy’s forehead. “Now, I suppose you would like to hear what would have saved Tylonelle before you die!”
The Oracle aimed a remote at the recording, and the Allman Brothers filled the hallway.
“I can’t hear it,” Jimmy complained.
In irritation, the Oracle yelled, “Fine! I will turn it up louder!”
Ear-piercing guitar solos exploded from every corner of the castle. Jimmy, with all of his might, launched the sword upward to the ceiling. Within seconds, sunlight filled the underwater castle, and it stayed like that for many minutes. However, everything went dark as water filled the chambers.
The minutes of music proved to be long enough for the Allman Brothers to be heard all over Tylonelle. Everyone with the plague received care and relief, and the mongooses no longer tormented the citizens. Unfortunately, Jimmy, the Oracle, and the ninjas did not survive the flooding of Tramlaw Castle.  The people of Tylonelle glorified Jimmy, otherwise known as James the Great, with a statue as a tribute to his valiance. It sits atop the cliff that Jimmy jumped off of to find the castle. When it comes to how the people knew that he ventured there, that’s classified information.
The End.


© Copyright 2017 rosemary. All rights reserved.

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