Old Bum, Clark and the Pigeon

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A lonely snail named Clark is hopelessly in love with a beautiful pigeon but she probably doesn't even know he exists... Can Clark's best friend Jeb help him talk to the pigeon of his dreams?

Submitted: June 05, 2013

A A A | A A A

Submitted: June 05, 2013



“Clark… Clark… CLARK! Quick! Wake up bud! There she is… she’s struttin’ her stuff across the street in front of McDonald’s again” Jebb said as he roused his buddy Clark the snail.

Clark’s eye-stalks sprang out quick as molasses! “Where is sh- ooohhh!” Clark was lost in dreaming admiration for the glittering turd of his eye – the most beautiful pigeon in all of Maine; Dora’Luna. She had the most wondrous blood-red eyes and the most whimsical black with green flecked feather pattern anyone had ever seen. “She’s… she’s perfect isn’t she Jebb?” Clark muttered.

Jebb leaned in close with his snaggle-toothed grin “Why dontcha go over there and introduce yourself, eh? Yer better off talkin’ to ‘er instead of sitting next to me sliming up a puddle oogling at little ole Dora’Luna”.

Clark retracted his right eye-stalk in protest. “I can’t do it Jebb, you know that!” Clark’s left eye-stalk drooped as he studied the slime puddle beneath him. “We’re from completely different worlds… Me, sitting here next to a dirty old bum in a smelly alley next to Starbucks”

“HEY! Watch it slimeball!” Sneered Jebb.

“Me… And her; living it up across the street. Always having the best leftover fries and picking half-eaten chicken McNuggets out of balled-up wrappers in the trash. She’s living the high life and I’m where I belong. Right here in this dirty, smelly alley next to my best friend; a dirty, smelly bum.” Said Clark dejectedly.

“I should’ve smushed you long ago, you know that right?” Jebb sighed.

“I’m sorry Jebb, I just… I just can’t live without her butI can’t even talk to her.” Clark frowned.

“Bud… You’ve got to talk to her and quit yer sniveling like a wee lass.” Jebb laid back against the brick wall of the alley and stretched like an old coon cat. “What if I just call her over ‘ere, eh Clark?”

Clark’s eye-stalks shot out slicker than snot on a flag pole. “D-D-D-DON’T!” Clark stammered as he searched Jebb’s eyes.

Jebb rolled his eyes, “Poor boy. Can’t hide inside that shell your whole gad damned life can ye’? There’s a whole world beyond this alley-way and I’m too old to take you everywhere ye’ oughta go!”

Clark retracted into his safe place, inside his shell. “I’m scared Jebb. What if the world is mean to me? What if no one likes me? What is SHE won’t even talk to me?”

Jebb looked down at his faithful friend, “What if I set you two up on a date? You know, a date? Maybe I can see if she’s interested in meeting a good-mannered and polite snail friend, eh?”

Clark paced back and forth unsure of what to say. “Maybe… Maybe if you talked to her first, and maybe if she thought it was okay and not interrupting her scheduled or anything like that? Do you think she’d even want to see me? Jebb?”

Jebb stared up at the gutter hanging off the back of Border’s lost in thought, “I’ll wander over right now and see if she’ll see you, my lad. I’m sure you two would get along better than a bunch of rabid raccoons and a jar of Skippy peanut butter!” Jebb scrambled to his feet and looked both ways before darting across the road in front of a milk truck, narrowly escaping with his life.

The thought of Dora’Luna being on him like a bunch of rabid raccoons both scared and excited Clark. He began to shake in his shell with dread and fear for all the what-if’s whirling through his tiny head.

Clark watched with eye-stalks outstretched as he observed Jebb bent over talking with Dora’Luna. They seemed to be having a pleasant conversation and Jebb pointed across the road towards Clark and then they both looked. Clark retreated into his shell, afraid to look. Afraid she would judge him before she even meets him.

“Oh my, he’s coming back already?! I hope she agreed to meet me, I hope she didn’t say no, oh gosh! Oh gosh! Oh gosh!”

Jebb reached the sidewalk and frowned down at Clark.

Clark shrank back into his shell and feared the worst.

Jebb studied him a moment before his snaggle-toothed grin spread wide as ever. “Come now, boy. She’d like to see you now, for lunch by the back dumpster. Yessir, the dumpster next to the McDonald’s playplace!” Jebb crouched to pick up his slimy friend and stroked his index finger over his shell to coax him out of his shell.

Clark began pouting, “I knew she would say no! Why did i ever get my hopes up! Why do I even-”

“Shush lad!” Jebb interjected.”She wants to see you. She said she’d like to meet you right now and eat lunch with you” Jebb said in a hoarse, reassuring whisper as he started walking back across the road with his pal.

Clark’s eye-stalks perked up, “Wha-? Really? Jebb? Jebb! You’re the bestest best friend a poor little snail could ever ask for! What will I say?! What will I do?! Oh my, oh my, oh my I’m so unprepared! Jebb! Help! What do I say to her?! What do I do?!” Clark’s eye-stalks were nearly touching the old man’s nose as he screamed in panic at his old friend for dating advice.

Jebb just smiled and tilted his head down to look upon Clark with his good eye, “Clark, you need to hush up and be yourself and you’ll be just fine, my lad. You’ve nothing to worry about. She’s the nicest and prettiest pigeon I ever did see. I’ll be across the road if you really need me, now go.” Jebb set Clark down next to the dumpster next to the fabled McDonald’s playplace and started back to the alley he calls home.

Clark peered out from his shell with one eye-stalk then the other, slowly surveying his surroundings. “Where is she?” Clark wondered.

“Hey there handsome” A voice cooed from behind and above Clark.

Clark turned to see the most beautiful blood-red eyes and the green flecked pattern upon the one and only Dora’Luna’s coal-black feathered neck. “D-D-Dora’ L-L-L Dora’Luna! Dora’Luna, you probably don’t know me but I’ve wanted to see you for such a long time but I’ve always been too scared!” Clark exclaimed in his uncontrollable high-pitched voice.

Dora’Luna giggled softly and smiled at Clark, “I see you there in the alley between Starbucks and Borders watching me”.

Clark’s eye-stalks looked up at Dora’Luna, “I-I’m sorry if I scared you or said something I shouldn’t, I Just -”

“Are you hungry there, handsome?” Dora’Luna interjected. “You don’t have to worry, I think you’re really nice. Besides… I come here every day hoping you’d come over and see me.” Dora’Luna winked down at Clark.

Clark thought of rabid raccoons and the jar of Skippy peanut butter again…

For the sake of the readers the story ends here ;)

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