More On The Inside Than On The Outside

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic

Jonah finds himself been haunted by his own worst fears about his sexuality and battles against them to the very end.

Jonah was terrified people would think he was a freak. Just the thought of one person discovering his secret brought on the dark caress of icy fingers along his spine, yet at the same time, he so wished he could tell someone, anyone, just to release the pressure of guilt he felt. 'But why?' he thought to himself. 'Should I feel guilt for any of my true feelings? Why should I hide away in my safe haven of a home every time I wish to be myself? What is the point of me trying to be comfortable within myself if the end result makes me feel this way?' “Because you know we will hate you.” came the whispered reply from behind the louvre door. Jonah moved further back into the safety of the walk in closet, shuffling between the soft, luxurious fabrics of the hanging dresses, his dresses. A small whimper escaped from his lips as his back hit the rear wall and he quickly began moving the shoe boxes, arranging them in a protective wall between himself and the outside. He worked quickly despite the shakes of fear he had to endure every night. Fear of discovery. Fear of ridicule. Fear of the voices that haunted him. “We know you're in there, we can smell that gag worthy scent your perfume.” The voices taunted. “Leave me alone!” Jonah cried, pulling the collar of the designer blouse tight against his neck. “Why can't you just leave me alone?” “Why should we leave you, the thing, alone. Its to much fun for us to stop.” Replied the cacophony of voices. Jonah made himself as small as possible, pulling his legs tight into his chest in a feeble attempt to become invisible. He cried softly with tear4s cascading down his face leaving trails of clotted mascara and eyeliner. Tonight was supposed to be different. Tonight was going to be the night that Jonah came out to the world. No more secrets. At least that's what he constantly told himself everyday after returning home and peeling off the tailor made suit he'd worn all day and prepared his shower. He would wash away all the masculine features with the soothing water. The scent of his aftershave. The tense shoulder muscles from the heavy lifting at work. The strong traces of cigar smoke that his boss handed to him everyday in the final meeting. But most importantly the removal of an unwanted manly hair that had appeared throughout the day. He hated the Facade of normal life, the masculine mask he had to wear each and every day to be able to survive.

* * * (Earlier)

As soon as he got home and the door was sealed behind him, he would kick off the leather brogues with their annoyingly flat soles and made his way up the stairs at an almost run. This was the moment of each day he loved, the casting off of the lie, the point of metamorphosis, going from ugly caterpillar to beautiful butterfly. Not that the moment ever lasted long. With the change made he would then hear them entering the house. Shadowed outlines that slid in under the door, through the window frames and up through the drains. They knew his secret and they enjoyed tormenting him and stopping him from revealing his true self to the outside world. At first Jonah had ignored the voices. Sure they were nothing more than the embodiment of his own fears and weaknesses, but before the voices had come to Jonah, he had always savoured the feeling of the soft nylons as he would roll them up the length of his freshly shaven legs. It didn't take long before the voices started there laughter to make him feel wrong, perverted and unclean. After weeks of torment, Jonah had confronted them, a concerted effort to face what he thought was his own delusional guilt. He quickly discovered that the voices had more of an effect on him than he had ever thought of. In retaliation to his outburst they turned violent. The shadows accumulated around him in a fit of rage. Jonah ran through the house begging and pleading with them to stop, but his pleas only riled them even more. They tore through the downstairs in a vicious tantrum, destroying everything in there path. He fled, taking the stairs two at a time before running along the narrow landing. The shadows followed, surrounding him in their darkness and pulling violently at the floral patterned blouse the clung to his stocky frame. Jonah had fallen into the bedroom, kicking off the low heels and crawling across the carpet as the slapped and kicked at him. “Why are you doing this?” he begged, streams of tears down his cheeks. “What have I ever done to you? I've never hurt anyone?” “you hurt no one, be we are the hatred of the unknown,” the voices howled. “We are the collective of everyone's fear, hatred and loathing and we have chosen you for our punishment.” Their laughter and screams were deafening. Jonah pulled the closet door and dragged himself inside, closing the door behind him. The voices had quietened, nothing nothing more than a whisper. Eventually Jonah had slept, a fitful slumber filled with dreams of hateful faces and accusing fingers. The next morning the voices had gone, leaving a trail of destruction behind them for him to0 clean up. It was a mere hint of what would become Jonah's routine. Life outside the house became unbearable, thinking that the voices belonged to everyone around him and there opinions on Jonah and his lifestyle. What if they knew his secret? What if the hated him exactly the way the voices made out? Eventually he began to leave the house less and less to point where he would only leave if it was necessary. He quit his job and confined himself inside his house on the upper floor and isolated himself from everyone he knew, never answering his phone or door to anyone. The only thing that didn't change were the voices. Each night they would return and punish him for what the called his sins, his burdens, his lifestyle.

* * * (Back To Present)

“I can't take anymore. Just leave me alone.” Jonah screamed into the nothingness of the room. “I will tell everyone who I am and what I am and then there will be nothing you can say or do to hurt me.” “You haven't got the balls.” The voices laughed, filling the room with their swarming outlines. “You're not man enough. You're not even a man, or a woman. You're just nothing”. Jonah kicked the shoe boxes out of the way “Look he's coming out the closet.” taunted the voices, their laughter reaching a new high of vindictiveness. “FUCK YOU! Jonah yelled uncontrollably, throwing open the door and running into the room looking like the devil in drag. Pure anger across his face. Make-up smeared down his cheeks. Nerves causing his hands to twitch. “Fuck you all.” the voices danced around him screeching with joy as Jonah launched himself at the, never making contact. He began grabbing objects and throwing them in the directions of the shadows and wherever he heard the voices coming from. Breaking lamps, mirror, stools and figurines. The voices kept on with the taunting and laughing. Jonah couldn't take anymore and fell to his knees. The shadows moved in closer spiralling around him uncontrollably, Jonah unable to tell the voices location. Abuse after abuse hurled at him “Freak, Weirdo, Unclean, Outcast, Bender, Tranny.” Then out of nowhere the voices became familiar, Jonah knew his fathers voice straight away. “A total disappointment. Nothing but a waste of space. You should never have been born.” Jonah clasped his hands over his ears and squeezed his eyes shut and ran for the closet. The faint taunt of the voices he could still hear turned him around on the spot and caused disorientation. The sound of the shattering glass as the window gave way as Jonah ran into it full speed, his weight taking him, over the edge and out into the cool night air. For a second Jonah finally felt free of all the fear and hate. He thought he had escaped into a dream world where he was free to be who he wanted to be. The ground rushed up to meet him and he was engulfed. No pain, just a numb feeling throughout. The world began to darken. In the last moments he looked up at the star filled sky and smiled. As he exhaled his last breath he whispered, “I came out.”


Submitted: November 03, 2014

© Copyright 2021 S Gravez. All rights reserved.

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Short Story / Gay and Lesbian