Seamus Dank

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A story about a man named Seamus Dank.

Submitted: August 15, 2014

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Submitted: August 15, 2014



"Seemus…Seemus, come closer," said Mr. Dank, lying in bed. Seamus was sat across from his father. He looked up at his father and let out a loud sigh.

"What is it now?" he asked.

"Come closer, Seemus. I must tell you something. It's very important." Seamus rolled his eyes, got up and moved closer to his father.

"What is it?" asked Seamus, louder than before.

"Seemus, I don't have long. This is it. I'm done for."

"You're just overreacting. You'll be fine." said Seamus. Mr. Dank let out a groan of pain. "Would you like me to get you a doctor?"

"Don't bother. There's no point. I'm dead either way." He paused for a moment. "Listen, Seemus. When the time comes, you're the man of the house. You're going to be the one responsible for running the shop."

"No, I don't think so," said Seamus.

"That shop's been in our family for generations! I'm counting on you, Seemus."

"I really wish you'd stop calling me 'Seemus'."

"But that's your name, Seemus. You really disappoint me."

"It's not even a real name!"

"Seemus, my boy! Have I ever told you how you were given the name 'Seemus'?"

"Yes, father, you have. Many times."

"Oh, I haven't?" said Mr. Dank, completely ignoring what Seamus had just said. "The name's been passed down in our family for generations. It all started with your great-great-great grandfather, Herbert Dank. A great man, old Herb was. He was the one who opened up the old shop, you know? Of course, back then, before it became the hardware store it is now, it was just this little bait shop. But then, when old Herb realized it was nowhere near any lakes or rivers and such, and no fisherman would ever come in, he had to start selling other kinds of things. Anyways, where was I? Ah yes, the name." Mr. Dank paused for a moment. "There's something you should know about Herb. I know you always thought he was this great man and all, but you've got to know this."

"Dad, you've told this story a thousand times before. I already know about Herb's drinking."

Still ignoring everything said buy Seamus, Mr. Dank continued his story. "You're great-great-great grandfather… was a drinker. He loved drinking. Its all old Herb ever did. So one night, he goes off drinking, but not in his usual bar. While he was drinking, he starts chatting this one bartender. So he reads the bartender's nametag, and read that his name was 'Seamus'. But old Herb was drunk, and between you and me, he wasn't all that bright either, so he thought that his name was pronounced as 'Seemus'. So he spent that entire evening calling him 'Seemus'. So later that evening, he gets home to find that his wife has gone to the hospital, where she was giving birth to their son. Herb went to the hospital and named his son 'Seemus' after his new favourite bartender. Since then, the name 'Seemus' has been passed down in our family for generations. And each one of us who has been named 'Seemus' has gone on to do great things."

"None of us have ever done anything of any importance," said Seemus. "All we've ever done our entire lives is work at that hardware store."

"Yes, and a great hardware store it is."

"Sure it is," said Seemus, only agreeing with his father to discontinue this pointless discussion. "I've got to go."

As Seamus got up to leave, he heard his father's voice call to him. "Would you mind picking me up some scones on your way back?" asked Mr. Dank.

Seamus worked at his family's hardware store. He hated having to go to that store everyday, and having to inevitably run the store the rest of his life.

When Seamus arrived at the store, he looked up at the sign and read the store's name. "Seemus & Son Hardware" was written up high in big letters. He looked way from the sign, disappointed, as if forgetting that that's what the store was actually called.

Seamus closed the store early. No one ever went into the store, and without his father there, there didn't seem to be any point in staying. Seamus then went to the bakery to pick up some scones for his father. Seamus entered the bakery. The only person he saw there was an employee, eating cake. Seamus waited while the man continued to eat cake.

"Excuse me?" asked Seamus.

"We're closed," said the employee.

"The sign says you're open," said Seamus.

"Hang on a second," said the employee.

Seamus was starting to get frustrated. "I just want a scone."

"You'll just have to wait." A man entered from the back room.

"What the hell is this?” yelled the man. "Devon! How the hell do you expect us to sell anything if you keep eating it all?"

"Screw off, Dad!" said Devon.

"You can't talk to me like that!"

"You're not the boss of me!"

"Yes I am, Devon. And you're fired!" Devon just sat there continuing to eat his cake. "And no more cake!"

"Oh, no! I'm sorry, Dad!" said Devon with a mouth full of cake.

"I don't care! Just leave," said Devon's father. Seamus just stood there awkwardly for a moment.

"Can I have his job here?" asked Seamus.

"You want the job, it's yours. You can't possibly be any worse than my son," said Devon's father.

Seamus started working at the bakery, and continued to work there over the next several weeks. He lied to his father, telling him he was still working at the hardware store, until one day his father came into the bakery.

"What the hell is this?" Seamus looked over and saw his father standing by the door, looking at him.

"Oh, Dad. What a surprise. What are you doing here."

"I came in to get some scones," said Mr. Dank. "What the hell is this?" he repeated.

"I work here now," said Seamus. Mr. Dank looked at Seamus in shock.

"What do you mean you work here? What about the store?"

"Father, I never wanted to work there. I need to be somewhere where I can actually make a difference. I need to be king something more important than just working at a hardware store."

"You decorating god damn gingerbread men!"

"I don't care!"

"Don't even bother coming home tonight. You're no longer welcome there." Mr. Dank left.

Seamus finished up working for the day and headed home to try and reason with his father. As Seamus was about to enter his father's house, his neighbor approached him.

"Your father's dead," said the neighbor.

"What? He must have been more sick than I thought. I really should have taken him to see a doctor."

"What? No, no. A car hit him on his way home. That's what killed him."

Seamus was completely surprised about what happened to his father. He wished he could have ended things with him a little better. Seamus quit his job at the bakery and reopened the hardware store the next day.


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