Seasonal Affective Disorder

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
A very brief descent.

Submitted: February 19, 2008

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Submitted: February 19, 2008

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I’m inner monologue narrating; In pale winter sunlight, I think, cars look liquid, the metal and glass merging, rippling and flowing, reflections white and black on the surface of broken water, the reflections distorted and ruined, I think this as I watch through the bus window as the cars pass by, and too late I realise I’m crying with tears streaming down my face like little rivers but I don’t remember why I’m unhappy, and as I sit back and I wipe the tears from my face trying to be inconspicuous the kindly old lady in front of me is asking what’s the matter, and opposite, kids I hate ‘cause they’re in tracksuits and hooded tops are laughing and pointing so I get up and walk to the front of the bus ignoring the lady, feeling kind of bad about it, but not bad enough and when it stops I get off, and as the bus pulls away I give the kids the finger and they make as if to get off but I know they won’t, and I walk off myself and start thinking about my inner monologue semi-colon like why is it called that when it’s always like a confrontation between two sides of your brain comma and I think comma shouldn’t it be called an inner dialogue instead comma at least that would make sense to me comma but I guess there’s people who’ve thought about it before like why is the world so loud comma and why are the birds screaming semi-colon yeah comma especially the birds comma they’re the loudest semi-colon and now I’m noticing them again cause I’ve stopped thinking about monologues and I have to think at the top of my voice ‘cause they’re so loud the birds are and everyone stops and stares their faces all like jigsaw puzzles with diamonds for Susan and they’re not really looking but I can see that they’re really staring and they’re scared and they’re scaring me, cause I’m Like whaT’S up whY Are YOU ScaRED aNd SuDDenLY I’m THINkING iN CAPITALS AND EVERYTHING IS TOO LOUD FOR MY MIND TO WORK RIGHT AND IN A MINUTE I’M GOING TO START SCREAMING I THINK I MIGHT JUST STAND HERE AND SCREAM ‘CAUSE IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER ANYWAY I’M TOO SMART FOR MY OWN GOOD I OVERTHINK THINGS AND I REALLY NEED TO GET BACK TO THE START BACK TO BASICS BECAUSE OTHERWISE WHY DO ANYTHING I’M SO SMART I CAN NEGATE ANY GOAL NO NO NO NO NO NO I CAN’T I’M NOT SMART I’M INSANE AND I START WALKING AGAIN BECAUSE I’VE BEEN STANDING STILL IN THE STREET I’M INSANE WHICH ISN’T GOOD WHEN PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GET PAST YOU I’M INSANE AFTER ALL THEY’RE JUST NORMAL PEOPLE PEOPLE WITH GOALS AND IDEALS AND THEY HAVEN’T BECOME I’M INSANE JADED AND LOST AND FORGOTTEN HOW TO BE REAL BUT NOW I KNOW THE TRUTH IF THERE IS TRUTH THERES NO POINT NO TRUTH NO HOPE NO LIFE NO GOOD NO WHERE HAS THE SOUND GONE....................................................................

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..........................................THE BIRDS ARE NOISY BUT ONLY ENDEAVOUR POINTLESS TOIL AN END IN ITS OWN A MEANS TO CYCLE ISN’T IT WE’RE BORN AND WE HAVE CHILDREN AND WE DIE AND THEY HAVE CHILDREN AND THEY DIE AND THEY HAVE CHILDREN AND THEY DIE AND THEY HAVE CHILDREN AND THEY DIE AND THEY DON’T CARRY ON ANYMORE I’D BETTER STOP OR I’LL GET STUCK IN A LOOP AND FORGET WHERE I’M GOING AND WHERE AM I GOING AND MY FEET HAVE TAKEN ME HERE WITHOUT ME PAYING ATTENTION AND I THINK THATS WEIRD AND THE BIRDS ARE QUIETER NOW I THINK AND IT’S TIME TO BEGIN AGAIN I THINK IT’S TIME TO STOP THE CYCLE I THINK I’M A WALKING CONTRADICTION I THINK AND I AM I AM I AM I THINK ITS ABOUT NOW AnD I’m CalMer noW and people are running and people are staring again but I don’t mind so much now and all it will take is one step now because I’m nearly falling anyway and so I let myself go forward and my stomach does that twisty thing as it feels the gravity pulling or something and before I hit the ground I remember I should have been using punctuation so I end it with a.


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