a guide to life

Reads: 211  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 1

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
just somthing i knocked up while i was bored.not the sort of thing I normally do, just somthing to make you laugh.

Submitted: March 16, 2007

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Submitted: March 16, 2007

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 Don't eat rocks. Don't take naps in the road. Don't stoke fires with your fingers. Don't throw a brick straight up. Don't breathe car exhaust. If you ever meet the President, don't offer him the surprise gift of a firearm by whippingit suddenly out of your coat pocket.For all pertinent tasks, use a hammer, not your fist.Walk around toxic waste dumps, not through it.The stuff on the bottom of your shoe is not for internal consumption.If you need to get somewhere, and a freight train heading in the direction you're travelling just happens to be nearby, resist the urge to stand in front of it and grab hold as it passes.If you're riding a bicycle down a hill, turn your head before you spit.Wash behind your ears, not behind your eyes.Light birthday cake candles from back to front.Don't shave with a lawn mower.Don't stick screwdrivers into electrical outlets.Although they are sold in food shops, batteries are not food. Do not break them open and drink what's inside.The warning "Don't try this at home" really means "Don't try this at all."Don't bathe in a tub full of beans.Don't iron clothes while wearing them.The expression "Life in the fast line" should not inspire you to live in the road.Don't eat hot coals.Don't escape into jail.Don't wash floors with cough syrup.Don't kick porcupines with bare feetSell at most one of your kidneys.Forks need carry food no farther than your mouth.Don't test the strength of your skull with a nail gun.Only squeeze the handle end of a sword.Don't lick dry ice.Don't pour salt in your eyes.Your body has the correct number of holes in it. Don't make any more.Don't microwave yourself.Don't chase a bear into the woods to get a close-up photo.Don't swallow toothpaste.Don't chew paperDon't bathe in petrolDon't sneak up to a stallion and whack it on the bum.Don't drink water that comes from swimming pools, puddles, bathtubs, dishpans, sewage pipes, radiators, oceans, acid rain, or toilet bowls.Don't stick body parts into electrical outlets.Don't listen to music from the Spice Girls.Don't lick toads, bulls, or jellyfish.Don't go swimming in a well.Rake leaves, not people.Shovels are for digging holes in the ground, not the floor of your house.Contrary to popular opinion, you're not supposed to strip the protective rubber coating off electrical wires before plugging them in.If you want to chew gum, buy some. Don't use the gum from underneath the seats at your school, even though it's free.Don't kick stone walls very hard without wearing thick-soled shoes or boots.Even if you need to get downstairs quickly, don't jump out of a window -- use the stairs.When using a Bunsen burner, don't feel the flame to see if it's sufficiently hot. Better yet, stay away from Bunsen burner’s altogether.Walking barefoot in the sand is good. Walking barefoot on a cactus is bad.Wear clothes.Use oven gloves when removing food from the oven.If you're on a football pitch and someone shouts "Heads up!" don't actually raise your head up. Cover it with your arms and duck.Don't tie yourself to an airplane propeller.Don't brush your teeth with a wire brushWhen using a blow gun -- something you should always have a very good reason for doing anyway -- take your breath before placing your lips around the barrel.No matter how tempting it is to be one with nature, stay on the outside of all fences at the zoo.Give me all your money.When sticking pins into bulletin boards, press on the flat end.

Toasters should be used to cook bread, not your hands.

 


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