Sitting in the lab, I suddenly realized everything I wanted out of life was there. Knowledge, friendship, discovery, shared experiences, a unified definition of situation where everyone could
take and give in a manner that benefits the whole. I then realized that I had just gotten an internship… and, everything changed. Everything in that moment, in that realization,
changed. It all made sense and was a bittersweet epiphany that shattered my sense of being. All too often we become so comfortable with ourselves and our surroundings that we do not
take the time to step outside the immediate moment and understand the true meaning of the place where we inhabit.
In this moment, I felt as though I was literally standing beside myself. I was looking upon my classmates, some of them friends, and truly appreciating what I had in front of me. Yet, it wasn’t just friends, but also the fact that I am a graduate student doing something that makes me feel a passion I have not felt in a long time. However, the “me” was looking upon “I.” The “me” was nervous and insecure. I fear that the “me” was as I feel others see me at times.
This was a perfect example of how we fade into ourselves, blurring the lines between the fad we think we are and the reality of who we are. Often times, we cannot accept ourselves as whole and keep thinking that there is something, or someone, that will keep us from fully experiencing who we are and what we desire out of our existence. I have often said that this existence is a blank field upon which we create our lives. Life is meaningless, it is true. However, there is hope in this seemingly bleak discovery. We use the tools in our grasp to create meaning. We stand at point ‘A’ only to pick a point ‘B’ anywhere on this plane and then proceed to create our own path towards where we want to go.
This gift given upon humanity can sometimes lead to us crashing into others or give us a feeling of separation within ourselves. Yet, it is in these moments of our disciplined breakdowns that we discover our courage and allow for experience to teach and guide us through the wreckage. These moments prove again and again that light shines in even the seemingly darkest of places. Fading into blackness can be a cleansing when the light is discovered. Understanding these moments helps one understand meaning in this existence, even when it all seems senseless.
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