31 August 2001

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
This documented my struggle with depression. Please do not read if you trigger easily. If you are in a crisis situation, please seek help.

Submitted: January 02, 2010

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Submitted: January 02, 2010



My hands where trembling as I lifted the small knife to my wrists.  Why have I sunk so low once again?  Head spinning, vision blurred, perception faded into nothing but the pain of the moment.  Cutting so slowly, so deeply but not so deep as to leave a scar.  No one has to know, no one has to encounter me in this state of mind.  Sink back into the darkness letting the blackness comfort my weary heart; nothing or no one else will come by here.  Alone with my pain, misery, fear, love, and tears… With the minutes that pass, I die a little more, want a little more, and kill myself from the inside out.
Nothing will work to ease the suffering, no self-pity, just truth of the moment that surrounds my thoughts and actions.  Smoke another cigarette, take another drink, smile at the one I love, kick my self-esteem one more time, and retreat back into a place where I can separate myself from the world.  Nothing!  Nothing!  Nothing!  Pain from the outside affects me slightly; it is the pain from within that needs to be suppressed.
You are not here!  Where have you gone?  I see your face, I hear your voice, but our connection is severed again.  Do you know who you are to me?  Do you know I was once like you, yet nothing like you?  Are you willing to listen when the time comes to revel all?  So many questions are hanging over the divided path; will you allow them to fall into the abyss or fall upon the ties within our souls?  Too soon to act, but when will it become too late?  If you were to die tomorrow I would never forgive myself.  If I were to die tomorrow, could you forgive me?  We did not look in one another’s eyes the last time.  I want to do it just once more, then once more, then once more again.  Through friendship, through something so deep I cannot describe, and I’ll do it all for what causes me the most pain…  I’ll do it all for love.
Alone.  Empty.  Once again falling deeper into my endless pit of despair.  Too weak to lift the knife, too cold for tears to fall, brains in a blender almost to puree.  I want to rise above all that throws me down, but every time I try to climb the web, it becomes more tangled and complex, wrapping around my wrists…  the threads tightening with every efforts to break free.  The web in the pit, even if I were to break free, would I once again fall down?  I cannot believe I was destined to live in this place for the rest of my life, for if I do, I will never be free.
I have truly come full circle, but all I ever wanted was to go in a straight line.  A circle represents infinity, and I do not wish to remain here forever.  The future is a blurry vision, and even as the minutes approach, it never becomes any clearer.  I never feared the unknown until now…

© Copyright 2017 samadhi. All rights reserved.

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