A Speck of Dust In a Vast Universe

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I'd really like to thank my beautiful Anonymous Annie. Without you, I probably wouldn't be making an A in my class. Thank you so much, love. I hope you stay strong.

Submitted: March 09, 2014

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Submitted: March 09, 2014

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I want to inspire people. I want someone to look at me and say,

“Because of you, I didn’t give up.”

 

This story is dedicated to my gorgeous Spanish girl, Annie—who was kind enough to share her story with me. Also, to all the girls battling eating disorders, depression, or who just don’t feel beautiful.

Stay strong, lovely.

 

 

I guess you could say, I wasn’t wanted from the start. My father left my mother once he knew she was pregnant with me. He didn’t want any children after my brother. I was born in Ecuador (That’s country in South America). My mother and father never really got along around me and my brother. They fought… a lot.

When I was one year old, my father moved to Spain to get away from my mother. Although it was obvious my father didn’t have a care in the world about us, my mother brought us there soon after to look for him. I thought for the longest time that my mother was stupid, but now that I think about it, she was only twenty-one. We found him, but the “happy couple” continued fighting. My mother lost her job, and we had no money for anything. She found she had family in New York (That’s a state in U.S., North America), so she talked with them and they helped us move to the U.S. of A., where my mother could find a new job.

 

“Things won’t be bad forever.

I promise you,

it’s going to be okay.”

-Vic Fuentes

 

August 30th, 2012—when I was eleven? we had moved into the famous, Bronx District of New York City.  Kids in my new school weren’t exactly friendly. I didn’t know much English, and they weren’t very helpful there. They actually made fun of me. I felt… trapped there.

 

“What others say and do is a projection of their own reality,

their own dream.”

-Nikki Sixx

 

Bullying wasn’t new for me. When I was in elementary school, I was chubby, shy, and smart. Other kids there call me cerdo, which means hog or swine, and vaca, which means cow. When I moved to America, the abusive name calling continued. Girls at my new school called me “fat”, “ugly”, “stupid”, even made fun of me for being from another country. One girl actually walked right up to me and threatened to “punch me right in the face!” Kids throughout school actually stole my things, tripped me in the hallways, threw garbage in my desk—just anything they could do to ruin me. Funny, I thought America was the land of the free.

 

“When people hurt you over and over,

think of them like sandpaper.

They may scratch and hurt you a bit,

but in the end you end up polished

and they end up useless.”

Andy Biersack

 

In the eighth grade, I was put in a “bilingual class”. Most of the girls there seemed to be skinny, so of course I wanted to fit in. I decided to look up some diets that may work and different exercises. I ended up on a blog about crash dieting, fasting, and exercises. I thought it may be helpful, so I bookmarked it. I began fasting that week—when you go without eating for a certain amount of time. I lost a total of five pounds in four days.

 

 

“You should never want to hurt yourself.”

-Gerard Way

I just started high school. I still get depressed. Last November, I proudly weighed a total of 108 pounds. However, I gained weight in December—now weighing a total of 120 pounds. A kid at school even told me that I “got fat.” I’ve gotten so used to fasting; I’m good at keeping my stomach from growling too often. I can now last a total of two weeks with no food. I can’t help but feel so lonely. I can’t make friends. How can you make friends with people who take one look at you and judge immediately? They can’t even keep their opinion to themselves before they get to know me! Why can’t I just live under my blankets in my bed… never having to eat again?

 

“Why should I care what other people think of me?

I am who I am, and who I wanna be.”

-Avril Lavigne

 

I can’t drown out my demons… they know how to swim. When anorexia starts, you like to think you will control yourself. You think you can deal with it. You always end up lying to yourself. You set your goal and once you reach it, you keep making that number lower and lower until you look into the mirror and see a bag of bones. I now think it’s impossible to help any other girls like me .Sometimes, I just think to myself, “How can you expect to help someone else, when you can’t even seem to help yourself?”

 

“If you have enough strength to help yourself,

you have the strength to help those in need.

Never pass up an opportunity.”

-Austin Carlile

 


© Copyright 2019 Samantha Wellings. All rights reserved.

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