The Willingness of Knowing

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Mike is a boy who's struggling with his thoughts about life. He slowly gets delusional and sees things that might give him answers.

Submitted: September 16, 2012

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Submitted: September 16, 2012

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Mike is looking at a sheet of paper. An empty white sheet that he wants to fill with his thoughts.  His purpose is to understand what’s on his mind. Because he can’t figure it out. Mike’s mind is like a hypercube; unrealistic and incomprehensible but still possible. He takes a pen with black ink and draws lines instead of words. He eventually draws himself. Looking at his reflection from inside the sheet. Like a mirror. He feels lost. Lost in the fiction of his life.

Mike!” his mum calls from downstairs. She means he has to come downstairs for dinner. But she doesn’t care mentioning that, so she just calls his name. Caroline, Mike’s mum, has lost her vision on life. You can say that she’s dead inside. The death of Mike’s dad has sucked every bit of love and kindness out of her. She has been living death for 17 years. Since the birth of Mike. When Mike asks about the death of his dad. He gets an answer like: “Committed suicide.” Like his mum doesn’t even care about her son knowing the truth. When he asks why his dad committed suicide she usually gets angry.

“Because he didn’t understand for some reason.” Caroline doesn’t want to talk about it. She doesn’t really want to talk about anything. She’s so high on her own frustrations that she constantly loses it. Mike is used to that. But he doesn’t love her and he never did. He has no memories of his father. The only thing he has is a loaded gun that belonged to him. He often wonders that he used that gun to kill himself.

Mike takes a deep breath, stands up and shuffles downstairs. Still confused with himself, he enters the kitchen. His sister, Emily, is already sitting at the table. She’s two years older than him. Caroline has dragged her daughter into her lifelong depression. Emily wanted to take care of her mother, but instead Caroline’s illness has overtaken her too. She doesn’t even look at Mike when he comes into the kitchen. It’s dark. The curtains are closed while it’s a beautiful sunny day outside. If Mike opens them, his mum gets crazy. It’s like he lives with a couple of vampires. For supper he gets vegetables with potatoes and meatloaf. Caroline might be death inside, but cooking is the only thing that keeps her moving.  She spends her whole day in the kitchen. Not like a happy smiling woman with a lovely flower printed apron, but more like a zombie that hums creepily to herself in a long white dress. A brainless piece of misery that if you interrupt her she might stab you with her meat knife.

Mike finishes his supper and puts his plate in to the dishwasher. He wants to leave the hellhole that is his mother’s presence. He takes his bike and cycles to a branch near a river. He mostly spends his time heading to places where he can be himself. That is sitting and gazing at nothing for hours. Wondering about stuff. Thinking of things he can’t figure out. And then he heads home again. When his brain gives up and inspiration has left. That’s usually around 2am.  When darkness has long fallen. When he lies in his bed he doesn’t really sleep. He’s often in a state that’s called “Sleep Paralyses”. It’s a transition state between wakefulness and rest characterized by complete muscle weakness. In this state he hallucinates about his fears. That’s why he’s always been afraid of going to sleep. He often sees the demon that possesses the house. He then sits on Mike’s bed, staring at him.
“It’s just a matter of time,” the demon always says. “I’ll come for you, and I’m going to break your skull and eat your mind.” The next morning Mike wakes up shivering. He saw the demon again. The creature is terrorizing his sleep. That’s why he often goes to Mrs. Morgan. She is an elder woman who saw so much trouble in the boy, she often welcomes him in her house to talk. She herself had been a shrink for years. She’s retired now, but  gladly makes time for Mike. Without any success though. Mrs. Morgan has never heard of the things Mike says. Even she doesn’t understand him. One time she called his mum to talk about her taking Mike to a hypnotist for further help because she knew she didn’t have the abilities to go into his head. Caroline then threatened Mrs. Morgan that she would kill herself and her family if she ever called her again.

The reason why Mike is struggling with his mind, is that he’s searching for a definition of life. The meaning of existence. He can’t put his finger on what the actual meaning of reality is. He wants to know what death has to offer, but he believes that the reason why he can’t see it is that life exists in a dimension our brain can’t see. We all capture our vision in the 3th dimension. But the mind isn’t capable of visualizing the 4th dimension or the 5th or any other. He believes existence are endless dimensions that like the 4th dimension we are unable to see.

Two weeks have past and Mike is still living in the same life cycle . it seems like his life loops every day. He keeps drawing things. Things only he can understand. He tries to get his mind of the trouble it brings him by painting and reading. Trying to view life as a normal person. But he can’t. He wants to know beyond his ability of knowing. It has become an obsession. A sick pointless obsession.

It’s a nice Sunday afternoon  and Mike is looking for distraction. He puts in his earphones and plans to go take a walk in the park. He opens his bedroom door and enters the upstairs hallway. He looks at the time. 15.36pm. As he turns his head forwards, his eyes capture an odd figure . A ghost in the form of himself. It doesn’t scare him because he doesn’t know reality. He just stares into his own eyes.
 “Mike, I am you.” The ghost says in the exact same voice as the demon in his sleep. “I represent your life, Mike.” Mike doesn’t say anything. He just… beholds.
“Mike, life is a surreal dimension where people think they control  themselves, while they are actually controlled by the games of the universe. It can’t bring everyone the same properties like happiness or luck. The universe is a game show. That’s why it is called unfair. It lets people have faith and love. People unlike you believe in physics and facts. They believe in our planet. And that is their own reality. Reality for them are the future and the past while the actual reality is the universe creating and evolving. It is the timeless dimension that makes it possible to believe in freedom and love. Liberdade e Amor. Reality itself lies beyond the mind. No one actually has the capability of knowing what’s real. In the human mind you can say that reality doesn’t even exist.  Nothing actually exists in the universe but the view people create for themselves. And when life becomes death, the mind gets lost in the infinite dimension of nothing. Terms like this are not to understand. We aren’t made to understand. But in this life it’s a fact that people are all born to die. A moment of sadness or a moment of joy, it all comes to an end. An end that many of us view differently. Existence works that way. We are allowed to have faith. But knowing is impossible. Understanding isn’t. Although we never will. I can’t tell you either because I am your mind, Mike. You’ve got to understand that ignorance is what keeps us alive. It’s what we are made for. We are born to live our lives. Not to understand the meaning behind it. But your ignorance is taking you apart. It doesn’t really matter though. None of it really matters. It’s all in our head and you can’t reach further than what’s inside your head. Your mind is the universe.” “What if I understand?” Mike asks. Mike knows he’s talking to himself but that doesn’t hold him from questioning his own mind. “You can’t. The universe is not made to be understood,” the demon voice responds.
“But what if life is a lie? What if it’s not even real?” Mike waits for and answer of the hallucination that is himself, but the figure slowly fades out. He watches how everything suddenly becomes blurred around him. He falls down. His vision becomes black and he feels the cold breath of the demon. “Remember Mike. It’s just a matter of time,” a deep voice says. He can’t see him but he feels that he’s standing right behind him. Mike opens his eyes. He’s still standing upright in the upstairs hallway. It’s still 15.36pm.

Mike’s mind is all cleared up. He finally understands now. He feels released and he knows what he has to do. It’s all so clear now. He runs downstairs and takes his bike and rides to Mrs. Morgan’s house. He enjoys the sunlight on his face and the wind through his hair.

“Hey there Mike!” Mrs. Morgan is surprised to see him on a Sunday afternoon. She welcomes him inside. Mike takes a seat on Mrs. Morgan’s long leather couch as she’ s setting tea.
“That won’t be necessary, ma’am,” Mike notes. He smiles like he has never smiled before. It feels weird to Mrs. Morgan to see him smile like that. “Mike, are you taking your Thioridazine?” She friendly asks while she’s a little worried inside.
“I don’t need medication anymore,” Mike says while he shakes his head. Mrs. Morgan takes a seat in a chair in front of him.
“What do you mean exactly?” she asks.
“Do you ever wonder about afterlife or just life itself?” Mike questions. He looks exited but also a little bit crazy. “Well yes. All the time.” She’s curious of what made him this exited.
“Well don’t,” Mike says as he reaches into his back pocket. Mrs. Morgan is shocked as she sees he pulls out an M9 gun that was once his father’s. He puts it in his mouth and pulls the trigger.

Blood defines his actions. Death defines his instability. We experience the reality of life from the moment we’re born. It lies in the life we experience now. We’re made for it. What’s to come comes. No one can change that. To understand is to know what you already know. Not what you don’t know. 

Accept life’s existence. And know your own reality.

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