What Can God Do?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is a story about a man losing faith in god after the lost of his child at birth. Not only does he blame god for his lost but also looks to his wife as the cause of the problem. This man is at a cross road. He has reach a point in his life, where he's questioning his marriage to his wife, because she can no linger have child, his family and god. Does he walk away from everything or trust god and see where god takes him next.

Submitted: June 16, 2011

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Submitted: June 16, 2011

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I don’t know if I can do this anymore and I hope if you’re reading this you can understand.
There’s a song playing in my head, there are dreams calling me in. I don’t know if I can be a Christian anymore.
I can’t believe I’m saying this.
I missed prayer at the house last night.
I have to share this secret with you. I wasn’t there.
I made up an excuse not to be there. I think I’m doing the right thing.
I’ve been reading the Good Book all my life and I’m starting to question it.
I was at church sometime back and that’s where it all started.
A story about a man named Job.
I looked at my life and thought I’ve done nothing to deserve this life. I hate my life.
I haven’t told the family or expressed this to anyone.
I want to walk away from it all.
If I have a minute with God, I’d tell him I did everything you asked of me.
I think I need time apart.
Things are not the same, ever since Jessica lost the baby, I don’t want to know you anymore.
The doctors said the likelihood of her getting pregnant is very slim and if she did, she might die giving birth.
I just can’t take it anymore; I can’t come home and smile anymore. I’ve been having a hard time offering. A part of me is feeling like taking out and not giving anymore.
I’m tormented.
I hear these voices in my head and their starting to make sense to me.
I did all the necessary preparation. Our home was built on the arrival of our child and you took him from me, at the last minute. I am dead. When the head came out with eyes wide open and there was nothing but silence. I wasn’t a father for a day; I signed a death certificate not a birth certificate. Tears of joy turn into tears of sorrow. I don’t know what I’m feeling but I can’t help but blame her and blame God. I think both came into my life like a package. I think I wanted a child too much. I can’t explain to my wife why I can’t look at her and smile anymore. She did it, no God did it.
I heard the heart beat for the last time. I heard the heart stop. How can you do this to me?  My wife was the woman who strengthened my faith tenfold. She was lying in bed, eating ice cream, laughing, looking beautiful with the earth in her womb. She laid the Ice cream down, with the spoon inches from hitting the bottom of bowl. I bought her these nice round white bowls because I knew she liked ice cream. She wanted a bowl that said not too much, “Are you trying to make me fat!” A bowl not to small because she wanted to feel unsatisfied. I love this woman. I didn’t know what to do, so I went out and brought one in each size. I went out to every store I could think of and brought every kind of bowl I could think of, some decorated with flowers, etc…, but she settled on the plan white ones. It’s the little things that count.
I remember because she came to bed, walking like she was ready to tip over. She didn’t say anything but I got up went to the freezer and pull out her favorite. “Mint Ice Cream.”  I’m not a smart man but four scoops was the max, not one scoop more or less. I couldn’t understand why mint Ice cream. The freezer felt like the arctic. I wanted to keep my head in it and cool off; in a few days I’m going to be a father.
We’ve been trying for sometime now to have a child. I’m the last out of my siblings to have a child. I WAS SO HAPPY. I knew in any day I would be holding a bundle of joy in my arms. We ask the doctor not to tell us the sex of the child because we wanted it to be a surprise. I knew she knew but I’ve asked her to keep it a surprise just for my sake. I didn’t care if it was a boy or girl; I was going to love him or her, the same.
I was going to name her… or him… no maybe this too much, who cares?
I just thought at first when she couldn’t get pregnant, I just wasn’t trying hard enough. I was under a lot of stress. I was losing my job after 7 years of giving them everything that I had. I gave my soul to the company I worked, countless man work hours. When I was let go they escorted me out of the building. I couldn’t go back to say goodbye to my co-workers. They told me it’s just for safety procedures. Why is God allowing this to happen to me? When I found out my wife was finally pregnant nothing mattered.
I called the pastor and there was a special announcement, He knew how important this was to me!  I was getting married for the second time; everybody I knew was at the church thanking me. My wife stood alone because she knew this was my moment. When I finally made it back to her, she told me, “Take your time, I’m not going nowhere.” She knew I had pride and couldn’t hold it back. I talked to anyone who was already tired. Some bought gifts. Others, just a message, “God delivers, be patient with the lord.” Mom and Dad could not stop crying. I knew that day I belong to God. I knew God was at the center of my universe, as long as I have God on my side I can’t go wrong.
I hear it again. I made my way back to the bed, walking barefoot on my tippy toes. I felt the hard cold wood under my feet and had the look of excitement in my eyes.
There it goes again, she asked me what is it, “I think I hear its heart beat.” She told me that was impossible. I don’t know maybe it was my imagination but I heard something and than I heard it stop. She asked me, “what’s the look on your face,’ and I told her I left something in the other room.”  
She put the bowl down and with her other hands she ran her finger through my hair. She said, “The time is almost near, are you going to be alright?” I didn’t know if I was going to be alright or not. We built a room and painted it a natural color. It was my dream to build a home for me and my family. I decided before losing my job, we should be on that dream.
I prayed to God everyday and God told me to go ahead and build. I hired an architect name Clarice. God told me this was the woman who was to build the home me and my life would live in for the rest of our lives. God was right. Clarice built a home as if she extracted right out of our dreams. Clarice went over the drawing with us and my wife pinched me. Our dream home was starting to take shape. I could see the halls our child was going to run through. I could see the back yard, the swing to push the little one. I could see myself cooking on our gas stove and my wife next to the island talking to me. I wanted to build a home that was conversational, a place we could talk and never get tired. When you love someone enough is never said. The house was built with a walk in closet that was the size of a small bedroom, my wife nearly lived there.
After our house was build my wife develop a shoe craze, a lot had to do with the closet space we now had. I don’t think I ever saw my wife wear the same shoes twice. I cannot say I didn’t enjoy her shoe craze. The hall to our master bedroom became a runway. I sat back while she while she changed outfits, and she would ask me to close my eyes and not to look. She would run to the end of the hall and ready herself for her little show. I felt like the luckiest man alive, you know it when you are.
I sat next to her and place my hands gently around her belly, my ears on her belly. Sometimes I went to sleep listening to my child’s heart beat, feeling it moving around. My mother turned my old room into a nursery; she figured our child was going to be over a lot.
I didn’t want to get out of bed that night. My wife thought I lost my mind. “What do you mean the heart just stopped?” The ice cream that was next to her was place on a small table next to her side of the bed. I wasn’t sure what had happened. I’m not a doctor. My voice became horse. I can feel my throat thicken, as if the air passage way was becoming thin. I held her womb is if I had magical power, I was going to send an electro charge to start the baby’s heart. I press my closer ear even closer, to see if I could hear something. I listened. I said a little prayer. I counted to 3. 1...2…3 and told my wife call the ambulance, something’s not right. With my ears still tuned in, I started to curl up in a fetus position. My wife is now screaming on the phone for someone to come to our rescue us. The phone was in reaching range, she never had to move. She held the phone dial it with one hand and held me with the other, while I held our future with both of mine.
At that moment I thought about running and grabbing my bible but what could God do?
To be continue…


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