Lost if found please return

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
To be continued

Submitted: September 25, 2014

A A A | A A A

Submitted: September 25, 2014



Something has changed in me, but I don't know what, exactly. I feel different, I think different, I am different. Why? I can't comprehend what brought me here. I can't sleep at times wondering about this, am I crazy? Is this what crazy feels like? What happened to me? I don't even do the things I used to like to do. I use to be organized and clean, now I've become a slob. I stopped working out, I stopped cleaning my house, I hardly write or do my videos, sometimes I can't stand looking at myself, I feel ugly, I wonder, am I depressed? I mean what the heck is going on, and who's gonna tell me? I been stuck in a loop for days and a zillion hours wondering, I'm tired of wondering, I want to know what happened to me. How did I lose myself, and why? The question is how do I get it back? Will I get it back? I don't know what I feel, sometimes I can't even speak, because I don't even know what to say. I don't know if my feelings are real anymore, or if it's the moment, I'm battling with this frequently. I've always had control, I don't feel to in control anymore. I wonder is it my age, is this what getting older feels like? I just can't comprehend what is going on, how do I find myself, that person that was always in charge. Who have I become? How do I help myself? 

Ive lost my appetite, I used to eat more than 3x a day, now it's one to none, I hardly cook, I rather buy things already prepared, or the venomous packaged steak and chicken that come in a bag. 

I read a lot, I spend my time reading for hours. Any question I have I immediately google it, then, if I read something in that article that calls my attention I then read about that, and it goes on and on. I've looked up a lot of my confused thoughts, that was like finding salt in water. 

I am afraid of what's coming. The best way to describe to you how I feel is by telling you that I feel like a pregnant woman, and I'm having a baby. How would I know what that's going to feel like, if I've never been pregnant before. To know everyday that your pregnant  and there's  a baby inside of me and not knowing how giving birth is going to feel, is a scary thought. I'm in that process, how am I gonna handle that? I know it's coming, I just don't know the outcome, or how I'm going to handle it. It's almost like death, no one can tell you, you just have to go through that on your own. 

I've completely lost myself and I know it. 

To be continued.......

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