personal dairy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Commercial Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
PERSONAL DIARY.

Submitted: July 16, 2014

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Submitted: July 16, 2014

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A A A


DIARY

Negative is the thoughts for me that are unbendable and imperishable, it has somehow become the alternative to my name .my frustration at present is killing me softly and gently in my mind along with my attitude that is seems to be deeper and demy in my life, so called in my daily attitude and life style is showing me the way path that I have never seems before. To the matter of facts I am followed by the criticism and lack of devotionfor my entire life to be lived from now. Though I do not give up give up on the things that I deserve to be mine, in the simple sense I am struggle with the world that is gone full of shit for me, and deliberate status of mine again and again I have to cross my figure for mine life from which I have already ruined though there seems to be little hope to be stated on my side which are also blocked by the nature of the nature. I need to shows the perfect given away not determine the path with which I will be lead to same and to the fully determine way out of this darkness. As the bar age has grown up and is definitely giving me knock at my door to flow with my dream as one sided of my path  which will lead me to the success and on the other side my brain functioning is on the path where there is my dream  for my happiness. I am truly become one of the tense and serious character belonging to this very earth. Whether or not I am hypnotize feeling out of my mind I have become one of the long suffering and extraneous matter to be discussed in this world.  I have forgotten my happiness from a part of my life far and very far I have given my happiness to somebody or it may be taken by somehow by other now I have become the flowing water in the river that keep on flowing just with the age of the river from the side down higher to the lower side just making the difference in it destiny. I definitely have no matter to be discussed at the very present moment and filling with no change that could occurs in my life. My negativity has drawn me to the ocean that are truly leading me towards  the path of destruction and nowhere else, I  still am trying to fight with myself and mine mind to achieve the happiness that I was within before  but my negativity does not give me the chance to make me win and belong to be mine costiveness. It is almost mine forty first interview this time but it is not working this time also it is as rest of the thirty nine one that I have given in the past few years. As I mention earlier I does not belong to interview but my negativity shows me the ways out of the positive to belong to this side of my life. It does not means that I am not done any of the jobs from my past I have done almost five jobs in different sectors of my field along with my forty first interviews to be given. I have quit my first job because of not being an professional and rest I have quit the second job because I was forced to full my leg  back from a heaven that I was being to be there. Slowly and gradually my hand shows me the way that I could not wish to be

I  have interview by an interviewer many times out of which I still remember my first one where I could find the question willing to travel outside the valley capital city of country or  not in response of which  I directly refused for my work station to be outside the Kathmandu valley. It was one of the reputed and mostly well known organizations of the country which job I have rejected.  Though I am not nor irresponsible somehow I am not responsible to the point where I have started my interview.  It was only the matter of the fact that was showing me the unforgettable and vast deviation in my life, my first interview shows me the ways that I does not belong too in the matter of the fact that was not identifiable and truly defined my life but the core matter to be highlighted in the sense that was to be itself starts from here and from the point. Then one after another I have given numerous interviews though I passed my fifth one after almost one year, which was also from the reputed and esteem organization of the country. I came to the positive for some times along driven by negative that are conflicting in my inner side just to tell me I should fight instead fight for nothing to be taken away. In the medical sense I am physic phobia long term suffering to some extent but this does not belong to me only it almost belong to every citizen of the country because of the recessionthat has been carried out within the country, today we citizen are forced to worked just for the financial matter no another choice and alternative is carried out by them for any justice and simooms. The orthodox in every  impossible there is possible seems to be far from the present scenario ,but still we believe that  there is something to happen in the blank sky knowingly unknowingly we are the slave ,slave for the situation that we are happening too present. From the very first words I am just happening to say that we are conflicting for no reason to be described to be in self. I still not able to find the reason for my existence prevailing the only fact that I have to exist, in the mean sense I am deliberate  from my very childhood to the same and unbendable structure that revel me to be what I am now. My believe and my strength has been finalized by weakness of mine, it seems to be never end matter has been raised by my mind which is slowly and gradually recalling me to be what I want to be and what I am now: I supposed to be the perfect person highlighting my era to be the highest among the other but the matter of fact has shown it cruelty to it maximum. No any other ways are approachable by mine so that I could be able to find my way back from where I have started the journey. Every movement of the time is going perfectly wrong at very wrong direction from where I wanted to be, no to the fact I am only representing the character of the country where I belong to .Every moment I think for the situation that I am passing through frustrations and disgraceful life that I am celebrating now with the passes of time. I cry for the no reason to be mine I still follow the conservative  and narrow mind to elaborate my matter that is going few steps back yards from where I have started by journey ,with no sense and mind that would work properly I engaged myself to an unwanted theory and questions that are unanswered by myself too. I cried for the no reason instead I see some hope to smile with the happy face to be all around me which make me smile to some extent their happiness also make my face smile to some extent but not for a time being for a while. I also want to be crucial human being in the earth to some extent it is followed by my dream to be recover, but slowly and gradually I am vanishing and lost in self with my dream to come into reality. I truly speaking I was not been able to define the situation that is gone with me and able to identify the situation that I am writing in for no matter to be discussed with the reason I am giving the way out, I know it is only my weakness with whom I am dealing with in now a days because I am hunted by an un wanted object which cannot be seen through ours naked eyes we do posses. Hunted in the sense I have been repeatedly and recurrently hit in my heart by the object that are made by the human culture and human being, I have  am hit by every words that I have heard from the very last few years. Passing on my forty first interview , passing through my fifth jobs , passing through my third girlfriend , I am hit continuously which was enough of the reason to break my  mind and heart towards it end.

I still could not been able to find the reason why I am surfing along to the matter that is going in my heads to be discussed, why I am showing my weakness to all after all it happens not only in my life for the first time to be come but I am answer less at what I am asking to myself. I am reminding myself I have to throw all this negativity that exist in my brain at the time being instead I think it is good for me to write something that I do posses in my matter because it may not be only mine, because it may identify the fact that it was going in the matter of fact to all that belongs to mine for the self acting and to the point. I am containing with the long suffering or the whole world has gone mad for me only curiosity still to be figure out by my sense of humor to be so called why to all for only me or to all of them the situation is being carried out. I can do it again mean while it may take some time for me to stands in front of dream and mine reality, showing me the way out of the shit that I have been carried out through out past few years. I am positive attitude person so I can do what I mean to do instead I am not self define for what I am going to do and should do for my future.

I got the chance to recall my memories at the very specific time and do what I intended to do for the mean time to do but the recall memories came along with the bad memories that I was gone through ,instead I may be defining an unwanted and unstoppable matter that was create by myself to the point. Sometime I think I am the unluckiest and different in the matter of fact and advantageous to other  instead I got chance to make my life happy and to the usual as other human being made themselves to be fine and statuslly fine but the decent matter does not belong to myself. I could not find the reason for what I am doing now because I know I am not good at writing and expected no one would understand what I am writing and matter that I am discussion through the story now but it become need to me because there are various level of matter that I am answerless may be I am representing the numerous human being that are searching the answer too. For the first time I am entering the zone that does not belong to me the particular place of the earth where there is just full of theory somehow to be implemented. The thing today I am enchanting with may be not the big issued and for me only but very common thing among the human being but for me it vice versa it is big matter for me my perception to the matter looks and take the great importance to me. My frustration belonging to my depression does not belong to me only now it belongs to every heart that is passing in this country.  Every heart raised the question when will be mine final interview when will be the dream of every citizen come true. We are just following the path of traditional which is carried down by our ancestors mean while talking about this the queries may arise there are different level of doing for living, but is doing for living is only the means that every citizen of country posses where is the future of the country if every citizen of the country is concerned only with doing for living. Yes, living is important for the human being but what for the society talking about society there is vast gap that exist between the human being in the world. Representing the fact, I now realized for the reason of my forty first interview and opportunity that I have lost because of the attitude that I have made in between me and my brain. Although I am not officially detain to the end of everything but everything has come towards finished its line at the end of it path, it does not mean that I do not have hope towards my life there is lot of possibility carried along with the path of mine sad and disgraceful life only caring the difference of mine decision making power and timeline to be achievement. I carried myself the burden of many thing along my life starting from my child hood towards my adult life but I carried only failure which may be the result of mine decision making power the fault that I have make in mine life is only in the decision making with my life I quiet my first job because of the affair that I carried with the my office personal that was fine to me till I quit my job  let the matter to be discussed in detail at other matter but recently matter is how I can get out of the shit that I have been carried out from the years and years and came to the external now a days . negative itself is the depends and is barrier for the positive thoughts but does not coming to the end of negativity creates the obstacle for the smooth future of the life that I feel now a days. I try my best for the good though I do not intend for the wrong and anything negative and disgraceful more in my life but time and time again show me the path through negative, I am not critic any more to say any negative point in the life with any matter to be discussed but I gradually is in the side of the hell. I think many times and in many ways that I does not want to make the order of my life ruined by the things that carried me towards the negativity and towards out of the positive way of thinking but this society does not show my part in their organism. I am not the anti social but believe that the change happen only when the new things happen for society is new and for first time, everything and  happening in the life makes the life with new only when the thing are creative and new. I still remember the day when I got my group discussion of esteem national level bank in country where I have gone with my two different pair of my shocks in the matter wither I was gone through my mind out ofreach or not because of the situation that has carried me a long distance but I still continue my struggling pace with dynamic and from different perspective, I thoroughly not been able to understand the situation and things that I am passing through  , I cries again and again flowing in the path that has not been able to make me acceptable and adorable all the time I still am searching for the answer why to me and only me such things happen again and again for the same purpose and matter to be fulfilled . I feel like shouting from the top of the roof jumping here and there because I am useless and routed fellow from the dramatic I have done to my life. I only make the counter part that I should have been done it very beginning  but could not find the matter what I should do or what I am intended to do after all I have been hypotenuse by the parallel fact that exist between me and me . I may not be outed the point I has second opportunity too after quieting my second job I was immediately got the chance for my second one which was also great among the others, my nearby friend has caught me at the time when I was passing through mine life most difficult and disgusting period, though I have been not able to identify those opportunity or was weak from my mental side to grab the opportunity of my life for the third time. Then  I make the decision to quit the every situation that was running between and around me that could lead me towards disfeatured and meaningless life but that was not mine alone decision be taken I was hypotenuse by the way of my mind was thinking about .Today I planned something different from other than I was carrying this recent philosophy ,I decided to visit my family brother hose at the day time after the lunch but thing went up to the right only at some time I call my brother in mobile phone but he was not there at the time when I call him after some time I decided to wait for him since I have no any alternative to carry further planning . He stood for me cancelling all of his schedule and given me priority among the most after having the cup of coffee we departure from the scene and head towards the house of him but at the time we called started our conversation I felt on sleep and refer to sleep because I was penalized for my long term suffering of my brains, I went to bed of my brother and got to sleep at the time being where I could find my dream sooner or after I was forced for my dream because I need her to be with me , and the way I could talk to her can only be because of my dream instead in reality I have become so weak that I could not got the single chance to talk to her on matter how hard I tried my best to determine that I wish to talk to her ,following my dream I saw her at the huge river that was soundly named koshi in the native language ,I saw her crying with her lips rounded with her beautiful tears cleaning her dark spot in her eyes .following my dream I was just trying my best to show her how much I love and care for her  but she never replied the words she just stand with her caring and dramatic face on the other side of the river I shout loud for her ,she was listening everything what I  have said but ignoring the fact  that I am shouting for her . in front of us there was the huge river koshi I think which is big enough that  I would not been able to swim  though I am not good at swimming too on the other side of the river bank she was not moving apart just sitting and wait for me to come on that side .following my dream I seems like crying with my lost and innocent face just for nothing to be achieved between her and mine but I was also not been able to leave that place because I care too much for her that brings me to jump in the river instead I realized that I will not been able to cross the river , I know the river is too big for me to swim in but I was helpless I need to reach to her it is mine destiny that belongs to me. Following my dream when I jump in the river without caring everything I stood up and drink some drop of water and almost gone towards the end of my story but she was still watching me from the other side of the river her silent and tears drop just sitting doing nothing, since I shout again sorry I may not been able to come on that side of the river with no response she was sitting neither moving nor intended to beg some help for me, so do I instead of begging some help I was just shouting at her that “I love you and will do till my last breath”. I was not been able to realized the fact how could I detain the fact what she was intended to carry in her mind along with the flow of water above my head. Suddenly I wake from my dream and found safe to be in my brother rooms bed, I still am confused for sometimes that was reality and I have lost my dream instead I should must been wake up at the particular time because I missed my another chance to be with her to be with my destiny. I am not writing because I am free I am writing so I am free, which does not give me chance to conclude my statement in the recent path going way long across the words that carry me long path away from where I have started my beginning it sounds like un wanted and subject less matter to the reader but it is only the power that lies between words and positive and negative things that I carried with my prolonged illness for the mean while. My mystery of life are much more highlighted in the below stories that can carry me towards the different angle and propaganda to be discussed talking about this we are generally given the chance to achieve much more in the life but because of the decision we take it may be adversely affected in the sense now and never I have flowed in words to particularized some story for the reader. In the sense that has gone for me neither or less will be good example for all reader, I am just listening to myself when will be my words completed and came towards ends but it keeps on flowing and going without its ends like an water in the river. Recalling my job and interview I also have proved that I am able to get the new jobs now and after a while one after another which proves that the no one in the country will suffer from being jobless factor until and unless they are trained and well educated to their best level, anyone can find the solution towards the jobless situation they tackle through. To generalize the topic and matter of fact I have used the character to the particulars forms and discussed about the matter that I have been try to elaborate. Thinking is paradise but I with less thinking and power to successes have only write what I have seen through my life and passes in between my life, somebody may feel because of the personality problem I have quit my job and somebody still to be finalized about what problem was others that has exist between me and mine brain that leads me towards the final conclusion of leaving the job not for one times but for time and again three times. so am I still confused about the situation about the parallel way of  thinking between “negative versus positive” what was the reason and result that make me to think about such an extraneous activity but I am answer less about the matter just thinking that what happen is just happen for  good and new things . long ago I was the physically and mentally fit person which was too much long matter of fact that I have already forgotten and became the historical moment for me instead I used the words most because and instead off and but in my prophase. Tears drops from my eyes not because of what I have to be done in future but because of the matter of fact that will carry with me till the end of myself being the story, sometimes I feel like quitting everything and go in the leg of god just to ask him how was the story been written so cruel and dramatic between her and mine but it does not suit my personalities and time being that I am passing through. The only the matter I am trying and has been conducting from the very past  decade is why always to me or am I so weak that I was not been able to understand the situation that bring me here and towards the end of the story. Today I am hungry for everything my thirst is graving me down and down I am self help less to adore the situation that is been carrying out between me and my mind the only thing I wish to adopt is the situation I have create recently  it venerable and un adjustable in the sense that make me perfect. I am hungry and thirsty for all happening and still come to happen in my life. It is not the matter I wish and all the thing is happening instead I does not wish that thing is happening around me dramatically or theoretically I have been pushed for the things that I does not want to involve in my life but I could not run from the reality and practical life that is going in recent for me. I am quizzed again and again by myself for the matter to be involved in me and between me. Someday I fell like run far from the all my surrounding and never wishes to came back after a while I realized that it is just hypothesis I am running in and turning the point I just feel like remaining as it is there now and struggle for the situation below but still I am not over come about the fact what will be the proper way out of my scene that I am carrying recently and I am bother by what factor still chosen to be identify. My hunger never seems to be satisfied by my achievement and surrounding that I have create but still searching for the positive in negative I choose to run for the life that I have with the same angle and theories that lies between me and my mind which may not be acceptable for the society or may refers as antisocial act to be concerned with me. I still searching for my next interview to come that will change my life; I have become suffering through surfing my interview in the field of financial factors and many others more. I hereby come to realized that the decision I was Putin during my last job make me wrong in every aspect of my life which generate lot of question and queries in the face of the interviewer during my surfing in an interview.

But the singe matter in the interview is the fact that has not been determines that the five minutes discussion can never make the whole life decision of the particular person. I am struggling for an interview with the near reason to success for what ,there is nothing I can achieve I have been bounded and surrounded by unwanted fact merging and roaming around me with the passes of time I am been paralyzed by my own words that I speak through. My past is unable to show me my future my present is paralyzed by my words and my future seems to be penalized by my own, every aspect and every angle seems to be close for me till I flow the path of my dignity and respectful life that I am bearing now. I could not find the way back to the scenario that gone for me now and never I am being criticized by mine mind which flow me the path nowhere but to the disgusting and parallel to the world of frustrations and depression my eyes are always wet to blink for the matter that I have not finished surrounding me every day I took some times to memories by mistaken of life and think positively new but never and less my past does not allow me to hunt my future along with my heart being paralyzed by my past and present letting me down again  prevailing that almost some things goes wrong in my  matter that going to be mine. Searching about the nothing just surfing around the situation that exist between here and there just blinking my eyes here and there hopping at something to happen in my life again and with no intensity to be achieved. I have crippled by my thoughts , recently I realized that I have been crippled by my negative thoughts which is growing by my heart and mind enough strongly to destroy my organism that is working inside me. I through the recent darkness able to see the light of limb that exists around me now I saw the lightning and dim of candle along showing it light to me but what after that candle vanish in the air how can I grow my ability to see the things that allow me to show in the darkness .life being with the candle is punishing me on the one side and itself recalling to threat me what after I finished  what can I do I am just been the matter I cannot off the candle light because it is only the means that I am seeing now but with the helpless feature I just am forced to sit and wait what will be the next after the candle will finished it work, mean while I have not another candle to light one after another. I choose nothing in my life to be mine which show my carelessness in the every matter but the truth is I does not have an attitudes that shows my curiosity and attitudes towards something . I think always with my head which may be the wrong side of mine, brains does not work in every aspect of life sometime heart start functioning when brain stop. Today mine family doctor that I visit frequently because of my long suffering mental illness has been impressed by my progress and suggest me to do some work to time pass for the while ,he also come to know that I have been writing about my mental problem and illness from the very beginning of my suffering he with his slimily face encourage me to do what I want the writing may also have some skills that prevent me from being alone and sickness but it was not enough for me I summarize the fact while I am reading my phrase from the top of the story that I have not give enough space and homework for my writing which is not the new matter for me though I am glad and self satisfied person now at least I start to write something differently and with on matter perspective somehow fruitful  for my destiny of writing something in literature and same. Adding the time for my reader I just can blink my eyes and start conversations with them with no reason and matter in the story it just the feeling I dare to say during my long term suffering and the things I have passed through, which means negative and positive way of thinking that exist in my brain for the time being. No more secession can be attached now because I do am speechless through my words that I am writing in an autonomous way flowing with my mind and my curiosity brain that exist between me and only me. Time and again I feel to ask myself why I am being changed and for what I am being changed not for the purpose I visit different places here and there around the city which today I am staying in just for some new status and sentences that I may be able to fine with different energy and freshness all the day I think about the particular matter which is also not determine by myself but going through this sentence I fell proud and enjoy what I am doing right now.

Every series in my life shows me the new way at the very first and after wards ruined as I ruined my every interview one after another decently and particularly. I still have not been able to find the story of mine that can be written in the words that I am and very simple and smooth manner for y reader so I am reckless counting my first story for the teller that can be decent and particular for the life.

Now I realized the fact that I am dream to write , write about anything that are prevailing on my life so I need the change every morning and evening I kept on changing with my character perhaps that does not will conclude my journey of writing and my dream to write some new knowledge and story at the reader itself , I am trying my best shots which I have not been found yet to discover I am tackling down with my English and my words to cover the massive and gorgeous for my reader which may take some distance from the time now to achieve .


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