Tears streamed down my face as I stared at the blurry stars. He broke up with me.. I told him I loved him. I thought I loved him. He didn’t say it back. Here I am laying in this grassy field staring up into the sky wishing I was dead. Wishing I had never said it. This was just hours ago..
“I need to tell you something.” We started to say at the same time. We were laying on the bed facing each other. I giggled and told him to go first. He shook his head without saying a word.
“I love you Dyl...” I stared into his eyes looking for any trace of joy. He stared back for a few moments then looked at his hands.
“Mandy... Look..” He started, my face dropped and my smile faded. He cleared his throat. “Amanda.. I think we need a break.” I could feel the lump starting to form in my throat. I tried to swallow it down with no success. I couldn’t process all of this.
“W-what... Dylan.. What are you-” He sighed cutting me off and sat up.
“Amanda. It’s over. It’s done. We’re done.” I stared at him for a while in astonishment, not knowing what to say.
“Dylan, let me talk! What did I do wrong!?” He got up off the bed and paced.
“Its... Its not you.. Its me. It’s me Amanda.” Running his fingers through his hair he put on his shoes and jacket. “I need to go. Goodbye Amanda.” He stopped in front of the door and turned part of the way, not bothering to look into my eyes. “Do me a favor, don’t try to call me, get ahold of me, anything. Even better, delete my number.” He walked out the door without another word leaving me there speechless.
I let the tears that I had been fighting for so long freely stream down my face. I looked out my window, not that I could see through my tears and watched him climb into his car and drive away. I wiped my tears away quickly wondering if I could ever catch a break. I walked to the bathroom and searched through my drawers, sobbing uncontrollably by this point.
“God! Where is it!?” I screamed at myself in the mirror. My makeup was running down my face. In the matter of seconds I looked like a complete mess. I tore the drawer out screaming at the top of my lungs. Yanking the next drawer down I threw its contents across my bathroom. Not being able to see through my tears I gave up and slid down my the wall, my shaking taking complete control of my body. Something glinted in the corner of my eye from the bathroom light. There it was.. What I had been looking for. I reached over and picked it up with my fingertips, treating it like it could disintegrate at my touch. Flipping the razor in my fingers I wiped away my tears with a shaky hand. I hitched my breath in my throat and looked at the months old blood stains in the carpet I had tried so hard to get rid of. I set it back on the floor and stood up slowly trying to steady myself with my back against the wall.
“I need to get out of here. I need to leave.” I mumbled to myself between gasps. Grabbing my jacket making sure I didn’t have my phone I walked out my apartment door. I walked down the flights of stairs slowly making sure I was able to handle leaving. The tears started filling up my eyes again as soon as I stepped outside. I walked down the sidewalk which soon became a jog, then a sprint. I ran all the way to the grassy hill I’m laying on now. Out of breath I collapsed at the top of the huge hill and started sobbing once again. I didn’t stop it and I didn’t care who heard me.
I’m sure I stayed in the same position curled up in a ball for hours because the next time I opened my eyes there were stars out and the air was getting colder. Pulling the jacket tight around me I layed on my back looking up at the starry sky. My vision still blurry I sat up slowly. I wanted to erase the whole memory. I wanted this day to rewind itself. I wanted this whole life to rewind itself.
So here I am sitting on this hill alone, and broken hearted. Nothing can fix me at this point. This day has been complete crap. Did I even really love Dylan? Right now I can't even answer that question. The only one I can is that he surely didn't love me. It had been two months.. That's the appropriate time right? I mean if you really love them. So my life as Amanda Conner is a complete lie.
Right now I just want to scream, but I won't. It's not like it'll do me any good. I reach into my pocket for my phone and realize I left it at home. I lay back sighing, actually wanting to burst into tears. Just one last time before I walk back home. The tears don’t come and I get up and start walking back down the hill. Something catches my foot and I trip, tumbling down the rest of the way down hill. It’s only a few feet before my side hits a boulder and I come to a stop. I groaned in agony and propped myself up against the jagged rock. My jeans were grass stained as well as my jacket. Making sure I was well enough I stood up once again.
I shivered as the warm air inside the apartment building crashed against me when I opened the door. I practically was on all fours climbing the stairs up to my apartment. A young couple was standing outside a door, obviously drunk beyond their knowledge, engaged in a heated make out session. They boy fumbled with his keys and I saw the girl open her eyes wide in the middle of kissing his neck. I hurried up the rest of the stairs knowing what was coming next. I reached my door and as soon as I opened it up I heard the girl vomit and the guy yell in shock. Closing my door quickly to avoid seeing the disgusting sight I took a deep breath. That brought a whole new round of tears welling up in my eyes. It smelled like his cologne. I shook my head quickly and blinked fast trying to make them stop from flowing.
Pressed against my door I looked around. It was a disaster. I don’t remember destroying the rest of my home, barely a home at that, but my clothes were scattered everywhere. The kitchen even worse. I sighed and plopped down on my bed. I didn’t have the ambition to clean anything. Cuddling into the blankets the shaking took over my body once again. The tears didn’t stop the whole night. Soon I could see the sun coming up in my window. I got up and pulled the shades down and the curtains making my apartment pitch black again. This time I didn’t even bother getting under the covers I just curled up in a ball expecting the tears to come back. They didn’t and I gratefully let the exhaustion take over me.
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