I don’t want to be this person.
I don’t want to be this person.
So yeah, it’s 11:56pm and I actually kind of want to talk to someone, which is unusual for me. I mean, I talk to people all day. But right now I want to talk about things. Like how when asked if I want to go to a gay pride rally thing I just screwed my nose up and got a weird pain in my stomach. About how I’m not exactly what you’d call ‘out and proud’. I’m not exactly ‘in’. But, I don’t know. I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be me. Don’t get me wrong, my life is pretty great – I go to university, I’m studying things that I’m interested in, I have a place to stay, people that love me, etc. etc. etc. But, I just don’t want to be this person. I’m not a good person, not really. I tell myself I am, but I’m not. I’m pretty horrible. I treat my friends like shit. I treat myself like shit. Seriously, it’s a wonder I even have any friends. I’m pretty sure they don’t like me that much anyway. I’ve realised how much I suck at being a person when I got to uni. I can’t make friends, I just don’t know how. I guess at school it was easy. You just kind of get thrown in with this group of people and they’re just always there for five years of your life or whatever so you can’t help but make friends with them. And now that I’m at uni, I don’t know what to do. I have like, one friend. And she made friends with me, not the other way around. And she kinda does it with everyone, it’s not like I’m special. It’s what she does. She just makes friends with people. She’s good at it.
I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. I just want to talk to someone. I want someone to understand. To understand that I don’t want to be this person. I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want to be gay.
I guess that’s what I am. For such a small word it’s awfully big, isn’t it? Gay, gay, gay. It’s not like I’ve only just come to this realisation, but I think it might be the first time I’ve really, really, really thought about it. I don’t want to be gay. It’s difficult. I don’t know why people think that this could be a choice. Cause I don’t know why anyone would choose a life like this. Like I said before, my life is pretty good. My friends are all chill about it. They couldn’t really care less. Well I think they don’t, anyway. But like, why does this have to be so hard? Why do I have to be like this? I don’t want to like girls. I don’t want to be attracted to them. If I could turn off a switch and just automatically like guys, I would.
I know I’m not the only person who has ever had these thoughts. I’m just another angsty teenager and I don’t know why I’m getting so upset about this, but I just want someone to care. I just want someone to know that I don’t want to be like this. Now I’m crying. Like, what is this? Why the fuck do I have to be like this? Am I even really like this or is it just a stupid phase? No, it’s not phase. I wish. I wish I could change this. But I guess I can’t. So I just wish I had someone to talk to about it, someone who understands. I just need a friend that I could tell all of this stuff to, but obviously I don’t have one which is why I’m typing out all of these stupid feelings into a word document in the middle of the night. I want someone, I’d even go so far as to say I need someone to talk to. I don’t want to be this person. I want to be straight, I want to be normal.
Where the fuck are these feelings coming from? Where are all these words coming from? I try and sit down and do an assignment, and I can barely get 100 words, and right now, in a matter or 18 minutes I’ve written almost 800 words of just… nothing. One of those stupid angsty teenage moods come along and I just vomit up all these words. That is what this is. It’s word vomit. Verbal diarrhea. I should just delete this stupid word document and forget I ever wrote this.
But I won’t.
I just, I don’t want to be like this. And I want to talk to someone who understands that.
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