Happy Holidays

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Short sketch of a suicidal college student with nothing to live for, but everything's going his way.

I'd imagine each "holiday" in this acting as a buffer between other, longer sketches in a night, as the skit in its entirety is quite short, but spaced out between others, I think it would have a greater sense of the passage of time, and more oomph.

Submitted: September 24, 2008

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Submitted: September 24, 2008

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Happy Holidays

Lights up on a simple dorm room. We see a SETH sitting at his desk writing a letter. A knife is driven into the desk beside the letter.

SETH

(Reading aloud as he writes.) Dear Cruel Unforgiving World, by the time you read this, I will be dead. I sit here alone in my room, forgotten by the malicious masses and fading into obscurity as my life dwindles to a close—

JAMES bursts in the door, wearing a grass skirt and a coconut bra. Loud music is heard from outside. We can see Halloween decorations in the hall outside.

JAMES

Dude, where you been? Party’s crazy out there, the guys want to know what’s keeping you, come on, beer pong dude, move it! (He exits.)

SETH

(Crumpling up the sheet of paper and throwing it away.) Goddamnit! (He opens a drawer on the desk, pulls out a Nixon mask, and heads for the door.)

Lights down. Lights back up. SETH is yet again at his desk, writing. The knife is still driven into the desk. His clothing is changed slightly, a sweater, jacket, hat, etc. There are a few Thanksgiving decorations on the wall.

SETH

Dear Insufferable Friends, by the time you read this, I will be dead. I can take your feigned laughter and unspoken criticisms no longer! Your false encouragements led me undeserved confidence, and I, as a fool, submitted an article for the literary magazine. The only reply I have received is one of mocking silence! I will answer this terrible silence with a dreadful silence of my own! (He reaches for the knife, but before he can take it, the phone rings. He picks it up.) Hello!? Oh, hello. Yes, that’s my article. Uh, thank you. Best you’ve ever…my own column? That’s great, thank you! Thank you! First thing Monday, yes! Thank you! (Hangs up.) My own article, that’s great! That’s—(He sees the knife.) Son of a bitch!

Lights down. Lights back up. SETH is yet again in a slight costume variation. There is a small plastic Christmas tree in the corner of the room. He is at his desk, holding an unopened envelope. The knife remains in the same spot. He rips open the envelope and doesn’t bother to unfold the letter. He flips it over and begins writing on the back.

SETH

Dear Unloving So-Called Parents, by the time you read this, I will be dead. I hold in my hands the proof of your alleged love. A letter is all I get from you for Christmas? Not a phone call, a visit, nothing! Your lies are only surpassed in their evil by your contempt for your child! I haven’t heard anything from you since before I sent you a copy of my article! Nothing! No praise, no congratulations…I would have even accepted your scorn! You always had enough of that, didn’t you dad? Could never live up to your expectations! All I wanted was proof that you acknowledge my existence! I shall not be swept aside for the refuse bin! I will let you know of my life by taking it away! I write this on the very letter you sent to me, proof enough that—(He has run out of room, so he unfolds the letter. Something falls out. He picks it up, looks shocked, then flips the letter over to read.) Dear Seth, I’m so sorry we didn’t call sooner, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to speak to you without blurting it out. We’re going to Europe for Christmas! You’ll meet us at JFK in New York, and then we’ll all fly to Paris! I know you don’t want to spend your entire break with your stuffy old parents, so we’re letting you stay an extra week and giving you some spending money for the time, so no worries about anything! Oh yes, we got your article and we’re both so proud of you! When your father read it, he looked at me and said “My boy is a published writer. He’s going places, going to do better than his old man ever dreamed of.” Oh honey, he had tears in his eyes. We’ll see you in a week! Love, Mom. (He unknowingly flips the letter over to check for more. He reads what he wrote. He crumples it up and throws it in the trash. He pulls out a fresh sheet of paper.) Dear Spiteful Classmates, by the time you—

The door opens. JAMES walks in, followed by MELISSA.

SETH

I thought you were going to study!

JAMES

Yea, I am, forgot my notes though. Oh, this is my lab partner.

MELISSA

Hi, I’m Melissa.

Lights down. Lights back up. SETH is back at his table, same sort of costume alteration as before. Valentine’s Day decorations are seen. A large heart shaped box is on the desk next to the knife.

SETH

Dear Two-Timing-Whore Melissa, by the time you read this, I will be dead. I waited for you for over an hour. I guess our love isn’t the kind that lasts! I’m sure you’re out with some jock right now, laughing about how you pulled one over on the old loser boyfriend. Well, we’ll see if you laugh after this. We’ll see if you laugh then! We’ll see if—

The door bursts open. MELISSA comes running in.

MELISSA

Oh my god baby, I’m so sorry! The train broke down and we were stuck there for almost two hours! I tried calling but they said there was a problem with the malfunctioning car’s radio frequency, it was destroying everyone’s signal! Can you ever forgive me? Oooo, chocolates! Are those for me? Oh you sweet precious thing, let me make up for being late. (She grabs him by the hand and turns to the bed. He silently curses, crumples up the paper with one hand, and tosses it in the basket.)

Lights down. Lights back up. SETH is right where we expect him. So is the knife. There are shamrocks on the wall and he is wearing a bright green plastic top hat. He is writing.

SETH

Dear Vindictive Professor Beringer, by the time you read this, I will be dead. I know you hate me because I have lots of friends, a promising career, loving parents, and a devoted girlfriend. But what gives you the right to give a midterm that specifically covers everything I don’t understand? My GPA is going to drop at least half a point this semester, and I may not be able to make that up! I hope the sick pleasure you got from giving me an F was worth it when you see my face every night before you—

JAMES pops his head in the door.

JAMES

Dude, Beringer posted the grades! We got As! You set the curve! Wooo. (He withdraws his head and shuts the door.)

SETH

(Screaming.) Mother F—

Blackout. Lights back up. SETH is on the phone, no paper on the desk Knife still there. He is wearing his graduation gown and motorboard, plus a bright sash around his shoulders.

SETH

Look, this isn’t a graduation prank. No, I’m not. Hey, I called you guys about 8 times in the past hour, and I am not hearing sirens. Hey, I pay taxes, you should—

Ambulance sirens are heard. SETH hangs up and goes to the knife.

SETH (cont.)

Yes, finally! (He grabs the knife and tries to pull it free from the desk. It doesn’t budge.) No. No no no..Nononononoooooo! (He lays his head on the desk and begins to cry.)

Someone pounds loudly on the door.

JAMES (Off)

C’mon man, hurry up, you gotta give your valedictorian speech in like 15 minutes!

Blackout.


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