Keith Lester: The Real Hobbit.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
Keith Lester feels overlooked and unwelcome for not being what society expects a hobbit to be, hear his side of the story in part one.

Submitted: February 19, 2014

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Submitted: February 19, 2014



Hello my name is Keith Lester and I am a hobbit, yes, a real fucking hobbit. Now you can probably tell by my hostile tone that I am not here to tell you about magic rings and tall wizards. The time for fantasy and speculation is over. I am a Hobbit and I live in the London underground, as do all hobbits, apart from the Mexican ones, who live inside dead dogs. They wear them as both a home and a disguise, pretty clever eh? But today is not about the Mexican hobbits, today is a day in the life of Keith Lester, Keith Lester The Real Fucking Hobbit, you get me? I wake up in the morning and the first thing I do is look for my milk, a hobbit can't get by without his milk, don't even test me human. Mmm I sip it up like goose fat gravy, creamy in my insides, levelling my head so I can start the day. Now where do I get my milk from? I steal it you prick, ain't just the Mexicans that are good at disguises. I dress myself up as a cow, go moo and that. Who has the power to arrest a cow? Who has the nerve to? No one man, that's hobbit life brother. Tricks and bitches. Taking back the milk for the cow, fuck the state. (Editors note: As much as we wanted to keep this just about Keith we feel we have to mention that milk has a sedative effect on hobbits and Keith is now passed out.) Its what we call afternoon and Im licking my lips, staring at some nobody chewing on a duck wrap, thinks he's the man and that, fuck knows how I got here. The strange ways of a travelling hobbit, man you'd never understand, with your cycling shorts and tit tape, luxury has swallowed you up pal, and it will spit you back out. (Editors note: Sips more milk. Awakes hours later.) Pisses me of that everyone loves those books and movies about us but were left broke and starving. I even wrote to Tolkien once and he wrote back saying something about me being retarded, wasn't a nice fella. (Editors note: Nothing is said for a few hours as Keith watches another person eating.) Now then, you flash fanny. Right now you're wondering where did we come from? And how did Tolkien hear about us? We are a product of gross manipulation and a twisted mind. Let me explain. When Tolkiens wife had given birth to their first born, Tolkien felt disappointed as he never did like humans. So one day he gathered a little cup of his wife's natural milk and spat in it. He put the milk on the windowsill where over time it grew into bacteria. Tolkien then rubbed the bacteria all over his dangly bits and made sweet love to his little lady. Four seconds later, the combination of Tolkiens sperm, Lady Tolkiens egg and titty milk bacteria, a hobbit seed was sown. We ain't nothing but fucked up humans, but were proud of that, and if you repeat that I'll punch you straight in your balls. (Editors note: The truth is that Hobbits are horrid, selfish creatures, vermin if you must. Im only sorry for ruining your dreams.) Keith will be back! We just don't know when!

© Copyright 2018 Sean Proudlove. All rights reserved.

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