I Expect Nothing Now

 Spoke to you during our councelling. Just knew there was something between us. conincidently got in same collage. N same branch. 

1st semister though in different branch just met during breaks. After a year got togather in same class. 

New song of that year was  "Kyu Aajkal Neend Kam Khwab Zyada Hai". Yes you were in my dreams. N my frnds sang this song when I told them about this.. Such a feeling. I still get goose bumbs  when I listen to this song.  I had started liking you. Just finding reasons to talk or be near or just either stare you. 

You know what you didnt know you liked me then. But you are a person who is "feel good kind". All girls liked you as you were soft hearted. You were with everyone unlike me who found reasons to be near you.

Slowly within a year you had come to realization tat I'm in Love with you. We tried to be around each other. Just holding hands, those bike rides, those long time we spent sitting besides each other, those long nite romantic chats. You know what, "MOST OF THE THINGS BEGAN WITH YOU AND ENDED WITH YOU" . There is no replacement for those.

By the time we were in final year I was commited to you. To add to that I was shifted to hostel. Just alone with out family having you close to me when ever I wanted, I just was madly in love with you. 

Yes I was in a state of giving myself to you completly. 

As we finish the collage it was time to look for job. You joined me in my city for job hunt. Even after a year non of us got a job. By then there was an offer for me for marriage. I know it was difficult for u to face everything but wat u did was just unexpectable. Found some reason to hate my place and Just left me n went off n joined collage. And that ignorance of my messages and calls I will never forget tat till I die. Nothing has every hurt me in my life to the core like that. 

You dissappeard form my life and I got married. Do u even know how it feels. I was in tears on my wedding day. My heart was looking for you coz you are "the one and only I fell for" . I was hurt to the core still wanted to see you before I flew abroad. I dont understand why I do that. I melt off for you .. I decided so much I dont want to meet you but my heart never compromises. 

Every time I come to native decide to meet you and you also travel all the way from ur place to meet me. I hav met you during almost every visit. 

But our last visit I found out many things. I thought like I feel for only you , you also have that place in ur heart for me. But tats not true. You hav already erased most of the things. From the begining you dont remember many things but the time i realised you hav replaced many memories.

I'm hurt again knowing I am just the 1 in the list of ur EX. And to add previlage to tat you add I;m special. I thought I was the only person with whom you shared your feeling sititng next to me and hold hand. But no. You said you hold almost all ur girlfrnds hands. And there is  a list of tat. Our 1st touch, our 1st feel, our 1st kiss are just important to me unlike for you. 

I dont want to blam you for everything. I know you were serious abt me when we were together but within few days you had to look for somehting to comfort ur heart. You looked for tat in quite a few people. But in tat list you faded away the importance of our relation. 

Im an idiot to keep you in my minds priority and spoiling my health n life, you dont do tat. Yes when I miss you I miss you like hell. I tried telling you couple of times but u were busy with other ppl around . I stopped telling you everything. Had an unexpected disaster in my life. wanted to call n talk to you but realised I;m out of ur life. If we wud not meet this time I wudnt hav told you anyhting any my disaster loss in my life. 

Neways just realized when I was with you ,you were serious abt me. but not tat serious too to have me. your family was the priority. And tats rite. But you just gave up on me so easily. Just let me go off.. Blew me away. Now tat its been years of us being apart I know Im not very important in your life anymore.

After keeping u in my heart for so long I get to hear " You hav feeling for all you girlfrnds and special feeling for me ". I'm just done with now. Let me not disturbe in ur life.. I dont stand newhere in your life.

Now tat you have  a partner by ur side give your priority to her. There is a saying "First love teaches us what is love but the last love teaches us what is life" . Hope you know what Love is as you hav a list of Ex. Hope your partner teaches what Life is.

Here is the last message I had left for u before I flew

"Your name ..., Looks like .... is just a feeling.. I dont  know if I miss u.. or miss tat feeling with u..

When I'm happy I really don't remember u most of the time.. But when I feel low I just just feel like I want u. Want to sit in ur arms.. Hug u tight n cry..

U are a man with good and WONDERFUL heart. No wonder u have a list of girls who fell for u.. It really hurts but "I'm one on tat list".   I made a wish to my Angel to see u.. She granted my wish. Everything is written.. She knew if I meet u for long I cannot control.. so she made me meet u as long as its enough. 

You know what.. I kept asking why did i meet u in life.. We meet everyone for a reason..You are the 1 who taught me wat  Love is  and what  hate is. Willingly unwilling knowingly unknowingly u hav ignored me a lot. N you know what. I am becoming strong coz of that. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO MADE ME STRONG. Trust me you did.. I feel bad at times but I thank you for coming in my life.. I could face some very bad situations coz of tat.. But I will never wish bad for U.. You are the one and only one I fell for. I cherish each each each n every moment with u.. You are always in my prayers.   I still hav feelings for u.. i want  to hold ur hand, hug u tight, want to kiss too.. I know it's not rite.. But I have feelings n tat is wat is the problem. I cannot be ur Friend just to say Hi bye. I wanted to hug u. Tat satisfaction.. i want to feel tat.. :(I feel tat fire n it hurts hurts hurts..

But u know Wat.. i wil not waste my life now. I hav to accept it.. I cannot change few things.  I loved truly. If it's true, I promise I will make something out of my life. 

Time to look ahead. Be positive and Look at future with positive mind set. It will definitely help. Trust me. You hav a loving family and your partner with definitely add to that. You wil get answers to all your questions when you proceed with confidence.  Prove yourself..

  Yours loving .................."

There was a time when I exected a lot for you. I expected you reply to my messages but u dint. I expected you to stand up for me and come home and ask my hand for wedding but U dint. I expected I was the one and only special 1 whom you felt for but there was a list of ppl u felt for. You have ignored my messages before, now I don't expect u to read it neither reply to it..I EXPECT NOTHING FROM YOU.