My confusing feelings

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
This is just my feelings in a short story

Submitted: July 29, 2012

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Submitted: July 29, 2012

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I asked my self the same question over and over and still had no answer to it. Why must I be so stupid? He’s just using me. That’s my life in a nutshell. But it’s not always that way. I’m one of the 40% of women in America that have a marriage and have a boyfriend. Not to get this wrong but I have a wonderful family, an AMAZING husband and a great job. But something was always missing in my life. 
 
Ever since I was a teenager I changed up my persona. Whether it be gothic, skater, hippie, or any other stereotype you could think of I tried to fit into that group. That’s how I met my husband. I was in a stage in my life when I thought dating gang bangers were the best. But as we get older our taste in not only food but men change. As I found myself being drawn to the more alternative style my husband stayed the same. 
 
After I hit the age of 27 I started to look at my life and said is this what makes me happy? And my personal answer was shocking and depressing. It was no.  I wasn’t happy with it. But I was stuck. I didn’t have anything to complain about or any room to complain about my life other than money troubles. My husband didn’t beat me or control me I had a great marriage compared to other people’s relationships. He is my best friend and father of my child. He just didn’t fulfill my desires in life. We didn’t have any of the same taste in clothing, food, music, or ideas on life in general. 
 
But then one day at work something happened that changed everything. I ran into an ex and he seemed to be everything I want in a guy. He was all tattooed up and piercing the whole 9. He was what I was craving in my life. At least that’s what I thought. Even now I think its what I want but I  got deeper into this relationship it just hurt me more and more each time I saw him. It just reminded me that he wasn’t mine and probably never would be. See he had a girlfriend too. 
 
I know it seems like we are bad people. But for me it didn’t feel that way. It felt right whenever I was with him. It put a smile on my face whenever he texted me. But I knew it wasn’t the same for him. I don’t know what the draw was other than the physical attraction. To be honest the sex wasn’t that great. It was much better with my husband but it was the way he made me feel when we were being physical. Its how he caressed my body and did all the kinky things I liked that my husband wasn’t into. 
 
I wish I knew how to break away from this toxic relationship. I knew it was wrong and I knew it was stupid. I knew he didn’t care about me but the draw was so strong that it hurt. I didn’t know what I should feel with him. I felt that every time I opened my mouth around him it was a stupid comment. I was always unsure around him. But I just wanted to be with him. 
 
I hated going home when I actually got the chance to see him which seemed to be once a week. I knew deep down in my gut the only reason we saw each other once a week was because I was just his booty call. But there was something about him that I couldn’t pull away from.  Maybe it was his sorrow for his so-called horrible relationship or maybe it was the pity he wanted me to feel for him so he could feed his ego. Either way I was hooked. It was like a drug when we were together. It not only made me feel like a teenager again but it made me feel comfortable like right there was were I suppose to be. 
 
The day after I saw him was always the worst because there were never any texts that were exchanged between us. I wasn’t going to let him know that I pathetic and want to hear from him and he didn’t text me because he was with his girlfriend or one of the other girls he was probably seeing too. I asked him numerous times if there just I and she and he said of course every time. But with him lying to his girlfriend then why would I think it I would get any different from him. He always said no girls even give me the time of the day because of the way I look. At first when I saw him it shocked me. All the tattoos on his face and body with the disks in his ears were a little unnerving but when I saw him I didn’t see them I just saw him.  
 
I could look past his tatts and piercing and I saw the real him. I hope that with my constant presence and support and my positive attitude he would see me as more than just the girl he calls on when he’s horny. But I kept on telling myself you are getting too attached way too fast. We had only been talking again for two months before we did anything and I knew that was way too fast to have these kinds of feelings but my heart wouldn’t listen to my brain. I’m not saying that I was in love with but I was getting addicted to him.  
 
I tried talking to him about the way I feel and he always told me calm down your fine. One time I just wanted him to tell me he liked me and it was like pulling teeth. But he said it. I think he mostly said it to me so I could hear what I wanted to hear without actually meaning it. I wish sometimes I could hear his thoughts but most of the time if I heard what he was thinking it just might depress me more. But if he would just tell me that I was just someone to have sex with that was close enough and would drop anything I was doing to be with him that it might break the attraction. I tried numerous times to just get him to be mean and tell me the truth but he never gave it up. He just kept telling me what he knew I wanted to hear. 
 
If this relationship went anywhere with us numerous things had to happen and neither one of us had the balls to jump into them. I wasn’t still totally sure I wanted to end a 10 year relationship for someone that couldn’t treat me like he wanted to be with me all the time and who’s to say he wouldn’t do the same thing to me. Would I really be prepared to give up my happy home, destroy my marriage, and a few friendships for this one guy? Would he really leave her and risk the chance of not seeing his son unless going through legal system? 
 
One night I was laying on his bed with him just talking like we normally do and said I think one of the reasons I don’t leave my husband is because I was afraid to go back into the dating game. And he said why? I said well things have changed and in all honesty who is gonna want me? He said oh stop it your fine. Here was this FINE word again!!! Fine doesn’t mean anything. All I wanted him to say to me was well there is always me you can date. That’s what I wanted to hear. I wanted the chance to be able to see if we could work out as a normal couple. But he couldn’t even give me that chance of hope. 
 
Everything was all wrong with this guy. He was not only broken inside and out but he was dragging me down with him. I listen to music all day that reminded me of our situation or the pain I felt for not being in love with my husband anymore. What would happen to us? What would happen to all of our lives? And asking yourself the what if’s will drive you insane. If I could just have the same emotions as him things would be perfect or if I could just fall back in love with my husband my world would be in harmony again. 
 
When you’re a teenager things are always confusing. Your body is doing weird things, your friends change, and your feelings change on a daily basis. You have older people tell you don’t worry this won’t last forever. You will grow up and mature and things will start to become clear on what you want and who you are. But that is just not true. Things never get easier. Well not at least in your 20s maybe not even your 30s. But I’m hoping that one day I can figure this out and either do the right thing and pretend none of this happened and just try to be a happy person daily or just lose everything and take a chance and see if I can find someone or something out there that just makes me truly happy so I don’t have to plaster the fake smile on my face every morning and act like all things are just roses. 
 
 


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