Average Joe From Idaho

I’m Joe McCurley.  I’m from Moscow.  Not the one in Russia.  The one in Idaho.  Home of the University of Idaho Vandals.  I’m 5’9” tall and weigh 195 ½ pounds.  I’m 36 years and 4 months old.  I’ve had my current job for 4 years and 4 months.  All of those facts are right on the national average.  Somehow, some marketing genius figured out I am the most average person in America.

At first it was kind of fun.  I made good money going down to the mall and evaluating ad campaigns and new products.  There was lots of free stuff.  Then the telephone started ringing.  Every pollster in the country wanted to know my opinion about politics and football.

When mutual fund managers started calling and asking questions, they didn’t listen when I said I don’t know about the stock market or economics.  Ask me about televisions.  I am a salesman at Best Buy.  Retail sales being the most common job in America.  Perfect for an average guy.

Eventually I started inviting the folks in the FBI van to hang out on the back porch during the day.  Their van is pretty cramped and I thought there was no reason for them to be uncomfortable while keeping an eye on me.  Being average makes me suspicious to those government types.

Over time I was able to come to terms with all of that.  What really bothers me is all the new religions springing up.  First it was the Joeists.  Then the Joeists split into the Orthodox Joeists and the Reformed Joeists.  Now, the anti-Joeists are starting to make a lot of noise.

I hope the FBI has not noticed all the dirt I’m piling up in the attic.  It is from the tunnel I am digging in the basement.  Once I tap into the drain pipes I’m out of here.  I’m going to some Polynesian island where I’ll be paler and heavier than everyone else.  No way I’ll get mistaken for average.