Average Joe From Idaho

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Average people are exceptional.

I’m Joe McCurley.  I’m from Moscow.  Not the one in Russia.  The one in Idaho.  Home of the University of Idaho Vandals.  I’m 5’9” tall and weigh 195 ½ pounds.  I’m 36 years and 4 months old.  I’ve had my current job for 4 years and 4 months.  All of those facts are right on the national average.  Somehow, some marketing genius figured out I am the most average person in America.

At first it was kind of fun.  I made good money going down to the mall and evaluating ad campaigns and new products.  There was lots of free stuff.  Then the telephone started ringing.  Every pollster in the country wanted to know my opinion about politics and football.

When mutual fund managers started calling and asking questions, they didn’t listen when I said I don’t know about the stock market or economics.  Ask me about televisions.  I am a salesman at Best Buy.  Retail sales being the most common job in America.  Perfect for an average guy.

Eventually I started inviting the folks in the FBI van to hang out on the back porch during the day.  Their van is pretty cramped and I thought there was no reason for them to be uncomfortable while keeping an eye on me.  Being average makes me suspicious to those government types.

Over time I was able to come to terms with all of that.  What really bothers me is all the new religions springing up.  First it was the Joeists.  Then the Joeists split into the Orthodox Joeists and the Reformed Joeists.  Now, the anti-Joeists are starting to make a lot of noise.

I hope the FBI has not noticed all the dirt I’m piling up in the attic.  It is from the tunnel I am digging in the basement.  Once I tap into the drain pipes I’m out of here.  I’m going to some Polynesian island where I’ll be paler and heavier than everyone else.  No way I’ll get mistaken for average.


Submitted: August 08, 2015

© Copyright 2021 Serge Wlodarski. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Whiskey Charlie

Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh, Serge you just slay me with this stuff. If it were possible to die from humor, you would have killed me long before now. Anyway, this is definitely not an average short story.

Sun, August 9th, 2015 2:12am

Author
Reply

Thanks. I don't want to kill anyone, I prefer my victims to be available for me to slap them around tomorrow. I am glad there are others who find humor in my cynical outlook. In real life, I am not like that at all. I am way more cynical.

Sun, August 9th, 2015 3:20am

Criss Sole

Oh I loved the ending! Reminded me of "The Shawsank Redemption." Got me to smile. Hope he makes it to his destination.

Sat, June 17th, 2017 12:51pm

Author
Reply

He made it out but he made me promise not to tell where he went.

Sat, June 17th, 2017 9:56am

NNC

Hi! Your book is amazing
Please read my book as well
https://www.booksie.com/509753-dream-tales-of-nnc
Here is the link
Once you start reading it you will get addicted to it for sure...

Tue, July 18th, 2017 5:03am

james farr

My roommate from College was from Idaho. He would have loved this!

Wed, June 26th, 2019 4:39pm

Author
Reply

I've been to Idaho, beautiful country. Thanks for reading.

Wed, June 26th, 2019 11:09am

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