The Hole; story

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses
A forgotten Clem Gummer tale (out of order)

Submitted: March 23, 2015

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Submitted: March 23, 2015



After they'd been living in his house for about three months, and now it was the first hot day of summer, Clem Gummer had decided it was too fricking hot out, as he glared in the glare cast by the rays of the merciless sun directly overhead.  Nearby, his friend Del Faucet looked like he was regretting his offer of helping Clem with the yard work.  It was a blazing hot summer day, and the sun hung like a personalized blast furnace, testing the limits of what a person could take.  He was already on his 5th beer, and was apparently sweating them out before he could feel any effects; and, they did nothing to cool him off. 


It had just now turned 2 pm, and if it seemed unbearable now, he could only imagine what it would feel like in another hour or two.  He usually disliked even showering and avoided it at all costs, to which his  buckskin coat that could stand by itself could attest, but he needed  to cool off, and the only place he could think of for doing that was Gummer Pond, a swimming hole that his dad had dug years ago in one corner of the property.

"Hey Del; let's take a break and go for a swim."

"I thought you'd never ask, but where?"

"You wouldn't know this, but there's a pond on my property."

"Oh yeah?  Sounds like a plan; let's go; I'll just run up to the house and don my swimming trunks!"

"Oh, you won't need them; let's just go skinny dipping.  There's no one to see way out here."

"Well, okay I guess, but I'll feel naked  without my swim trunks; eh, ha, ha!"

Shut yer pie hole, sum bitch! Clem thought.




After several minutes of hard slogging, where every step seemed to ne taking them deeper into Dante's Inferno, they came upon a small pond.  Clem stripped off all his clothes, but kept his hat on; He'd be damned if he ever took off his lucky hat.  He even showered with it on, on the once a week or so he made himself take one.  He wadded right in, and was soon joined by Del, who almost burst out laughing at a completely-naked Clem wearing nothing but a smile and a hat.  


They soon were splashing and enjoying the temporary respite from the suffocating heat.  They were so absorbed in enjoying the coolness they failed to notice the group of about 20 ladies approaching the pond.  The first notice they were there was Clem heard a high pitched scream, when one of the girls caught site of them as they exited the water to get dressed.  He glanced up sharply, saw the women, and doffed his hat,

"Ladies!"  He didn't know what else to do.  He was totally shocked to see what looked like a tour group in the middle of his property, although unless the wanted to look at pipe, there wasn't much worth seeing.  The tour guide said rather disgustedly,


Clem, having nowhere to hide, replied, "Well excuse us!  We didn't expect a group of ladies traipsing through private property!"

"Private?  Isn't this state forest?"

"No ma'am, the state forest is over beyond that hill," he replied, pointing to the west.

"Oh, then I apologize, we must have taken a wrong turn somewhere; well, come on ladies," and the whole group started marching off to the west.

Clem replied, with his spud waving in the breeze, "Wait, where are you ladies going?  Okay, but you're going to miss the show!"


The End

© Copyright 2018 Mike Stevens. All rights reserved.

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