A Girls Struggle Through Life (part 1)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
My life story.

Submitted: December 29, 2008

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Submitted: December 29, 2008

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I woke up screaming, from what I thought was a nightmare. It wasn't until the hand that wrapped around my face told me differently. It was warm and large covering half my face, thought I was going to faint at that moment. My little 8 year old mind immediately went into a whirlwind of thoughts trying to figure out what was going on. The bed was soaking wet and I didn't want to know why. I felt so alone, uncomfortable, in-human, and betrayed.

As my thoughts slowly collected I remembered a few things at a time about what lead up to this tragedy in my life. I remembered the bon-fire. Then I remembered the people there, My uncle, his girlfriend and a few of his friends. I remembered my parents saying I could go down there for ½ an hour or so. I remembered the argument between my uncle and his girlfriend. I remembered the beer. That was the most horrifying memory I could remember at the time. He had forced me to drink his beer after his girlfriend left. I scrambled for more to remember, the last thing I remembered was being dragged to his house, which is now my garage, the one I can't step foot into.

I slowly became aware of what was going on, I hurt really bad. He handed me a basket and told me to clean the bed before anyone wakes. I stared confused and with pain in my eyes. I was sure I needed to talk to my mom. He must have read my mind or he saw the thought that ran through my head because he the spoke again. This time it was really scary he said, “if you say anything to anyone I will kill your Mom, Dad, Brother and newborn sister, in front of you and then make you my little pet.” I almost started screaming again, but I didn't because I didn't want his hand touching mine. I still didn't know exactly what had happened all I knew was it was way wrong!

I started cleaning the mess when I noticed all the blood on the sheets, I was really scared then. I didn't know what to do, but to listen to every word he had said to protect my family and to protect my self from this horrifying nightmare. Who could I turn to to find out what was happening to me, no one kept repeating in my head because of his threat. I vowed to myself right then and there that I would never talk about this not even to figure out what happened. I was so scared and alone in this world.

A few years latter when sex ed started in school I finally began to realize what had happened to me. They described everything I couldn't remember happening because I didn't know what it was. A brief sense of relief warmed over me. I finally knew what happened, as soon as that swept away the scared and alone feelings came back immediately as for I couldn't tell anyone still. He still lived in the house behind mine, causing all kinds of problems all the time.

He'd come home drunk all the time, which always scared me, but he never once touched me again. I was relieved that he wasn't but it scared me all the same, how well he could act like nothing ever happened. I also worried for the “family” that had just moved in with him, I often worried if he touched the little girl of his new girlfriend, too. That scared me even more wondering who else he might have victimized.

Several years went by sorry not much happened to me during this time, except I held my dark secret deep within me. I managed to hold on to my secret until my junior year in high school. I had suffered most of my way through friendships with this secret, even had 1 boyfriend although I despised men. The one I did fall in love with a man who gave up everything in his life for me. We maintained a long distance relationship through letters for two years. He sent me his final letter in 2002, I was so happy at first, I even replied to his question with a yes, but no to the idea of running away to be together. The yes was to “Will you marry me”. I know we were young but it was so right....you know Soul Mates. I wasn't worried until a month went by with no letter, because it was the holiday's and all. So I finally sat down and wrote another note, asking him to please write me back. Then the fear that he might of moved ran through my mind when I didn't get a response in two weeks. And I really began to worry, so I wrote what I said was my final letter and even wrote I love you on the envelope, I guess that is when his parents decided to open the letter. They sent me a letter, that brought my whole world crashing down. He had been stabbed six times sending me his final letter. I still blame myself for it to this day, if we hadn't met he wouldn't have left the life he was living for me and then he never would have been stabbed.

2002 was the year that changed me dramatically. I lost my soul mate and I was about to meet my window crawler. I rode the school bus to school everyday so my morning pattern was predictable. One day this guy was parked in my driveway, with some sort of motor problem. He asked me for help, and who can refuse helping someone when they are having problems, especially when you have time on your side. I always left a ½ hour early, so he knew I would be there. So yea I helped, I was taking my first year in auto shop class. Which he must have known, too. I put his lower radiator house back on, and ran up my driveway to grab a zip tie to hold it until he could get it fixed right. Went to school and everything was normal so I never thought twice about it, until that night. Something, or I should say someone tapped on my window. I wasn't expecting anyone there, so I went ahead and opened my window to see if one of my cats has been up in the window and left, that is when I felt a hand go across my mouth again.

That is when this stranger climbed in through my window. I was so scares and alone, and I was going oh my God how could I have been so stupid. As he climbed in he put his head next my heat and whispered ”Don't say anything and you will be okay.” I nodded and he knew at that moment it was going to be easier than he thought.

He started with smelling my hair and putting his filthy hands anywhere he wanted to. I felt so dirty and scared I almost passed out. I think I did after I heard his pants unzip, because I really don't remember much after that, except waking up in pain again. I told my mom that I was sink and didn't want to go to school the next morning, I sat in my room and broke down to cry, I couldn't believe this had happened to me again. When I went back to school the following day all my friends asked me why I was gone, I just ignored them. They wouldn't drop it and that is when I decided to lie to them, I had heard someone describing the best sex that they ever hard, and I told my friends that story, and added how it had hurt me to walk the next day. I thought they would respect me more, and understand that better than the truth.

Later that year my brother came home, which scared my sister and I. He had a pretty violent past. I started to relive some of more troubled times because of this. I started to recall my uncle and then that stranger, but I dismissed them and held my secrets tight inside myself. Finally school was out and the fair came and went, and the next school year started, I finally thought I had put everything behind me. I was so dead wrong.

I started living my secrets through my dreams waking up in cold sweats every night, screaming. At first everyone would come to my room and ask me what was wrong. I always told them I had a nightmare about whatever, just to get them to leave me alone. After about a month of this ritual they quit coming to my room to ask me what was wrong. This is the year I messed everything up with the guy that I had liked. I refused to kiss anyone, because of what had happened.

I also took auto shop classes which I soon regretted, because I started getting more attention from guys. I tried really hard to keep them away from me, well I think that is understandable. I had started the school year at a little over 200 pounds, my defense mechanism, but I couldn't make it through P.E. With out looking like a complete idiot, so I started to loose weight, another big mistake. By the end of the school year I had dropped almost 70 pounds, thanks to P.E. and all the other things I did to loose it so I wouldn't look stupid in P.E. anymore. That school year was pretty easy although I did fail English , since I couldn't stand to read The Scarlet Letter by Nathanial Hawthorne.

Fair comes and I finally get to talking with my friends and they finally get me to admit I like John, so they tell him, and to my surprise he like me, too. So, the fair was a lot more fun than usual, it is the same thing every year, so it can get boring to those of us who have no life and spend every day there just to meet people. That was the first time I spent it there with all my friends and ended up leaving it with a boyfriend. My first boyfriend that lived in the same area as I did. It turned out wonderful when the school year started. We had the 2nd year of auto class together, since there is only one class for this. The teacher was happy to see me back, but didn't like my choice in friends, but who cares what the teacher thinks, right?

I ended up smoking cigarettes first, well to be honest I kind of started when my uncle raped me at 8 years old. Then I got introduced to Marijuana...and then Southern Comfort, although that was one shot and I was not one to get into the alcohol scene thanks to my past. Soon after that my boyfriend and I broke up. Another one of my guy friends in auto wanted to get to know me more at this time and almost asked me to be his girlfriend. It was a good thing we had talked, because very distantly we were related.

Half the school year goes by with no problems and no new boyfriends. (thank God) Then I guess it was my time to go through everything again, well not as bad as the past. This time it was just an attempted rape by someone real close to me. I broke down in the hallways of my school this time. I just couldn't hold my secrets to myself anymore. I had worked so many years at it, and I failed. Well at least that is what I thought. I refused to talk to my friends at first but they were persistent. I noticed half way through my story that half my “friends” had walked away. There was only one friend remaining dragging me to the on campus sheriff's office. I started with what happened to my sister(which I am not going into details on this, for that is her story). Then I told what happened to me with the attempt. Then I asked the status on my uncle, knowing that he gets into a lot of trouble. The officer told me he would check into it...and me being young and dumb said “because I have more to tell, but I can't talk until, I know it is safe to talk.” He replied “It is safe to talk to me, you need not fear this man.” I responded with a distant look in my eyes, “I can not say anything until I know where he is.” The officer said “Okay, then I will look into it then, come see me tomorrow.”

I barely made it through the rest of the day, the officer wanted to send me home and I refused to go. I could not wait for my 7th period to end, so I could catch the bus and go home. When I got home my mom was crying, I didn't understand, but CPS had picked up my sister, because of what I had said. At the same time she was picked up an officer picked up someone close to us, and were questioning him. My sister was released to go home, and the one close to us went to Juvenile Hall.

The next day I was called out of 3rd period to the sheriff's office. All the people in the class stared at me like I was some sort of criminal, I didn't have any friends in this class. I asked the officer about what he had discovered. He said “Your uncle is in Prison.” I looked at him dumbfounded...as I responded in complete disbelief “which one?” He replies simply and to the point “Folsom.” I asked “What did he do?” He responded “I can't disclose this information legally, but vehicular manslaughter.” “Oh my God,” is all I could think.

So, I start from the beginning of when I was 8 years old, and how I discovered what had happened, since I didn't understand it right away. He asked me one question and only one question “why didn't you tell anyone?” “I was too scared, he said he would kill my family.”

After that, I lost all my “friends” but 2, they claimed they didn't want a liar amongst them. I tried to explain myself, but they wouldn't listen, so I adopted my new personality of If you don't like me get out of my way. I didn't date anyone the rest of that school year, nor the next year. I graduated in June of 04. I sort of moved out with a friend and her boyfriend. Whom I now don't get along with. My new friends and I stayed in some guys trailer in the middle of nowhere. I was fairly uneventful, but we did have a major scare. The person who owned the trailer had some errands to do, so my friends I were left alone at his place. The boyfriend went nuts when my friend and I were going to go to the store...I really was talking to her and trying to get her to leave him. When we were trying to leave, he grabbed on of the guys' guns and held it to my head, and asked my friend if she was leaving him. Of course she said no for fear that he would kill me. The guy came home and I kind of explained what happened, and he explained it wouldn't have been a problem the gun was unloaded. We left there and went camping in their car. That was a lot of fun, but I stayed with them to make sure she was okay. When we attempted to drive to her parents house and the car blew up, because he forgot to put the radiator cap back on the radiator. (he blamed me....) I called my parents and went back home.

My friend calls me about 3 months later saying her and her boyfriend broke up and she wanted me to meet her new boyfriend, of course I said I would go meet them in town, anything to get out of this house. I ended up spending the night with them, we slept in his father's basement. The next we hung out and I ended up staying another night....big mistake. After she feel asleep he rolled over and tried to kiss me. I made the excuse of I needed a cigarette, to remove myself from the situation, he followed me outside, because he said he needed one, too. So, we both climbed from under the house and talked while we smoked. I told him he had to leave her if he wanted me. I was hoping he stayed with her, but he broke up with her in the morning. I felt so bad, but he made his choice and this girl and I weren't the best of friends, or we had one of those typical teenage girl friendships, off and on again. I ended up with this loser. He already had a kid, but that didn't bother me, since I love kids and he was 7 years older than me. What bothered me was the kids mom kept telling me to watch my back, I didn't quite understand, he was so sweet to me. We spent a week at a friends place, and then we would spend a week at his aunts, we did this for about 3 months. That's when I met a new friend who offered us our own place with him, we had our own room and bathroom in a 2 bedroom apartment. We moved in there and that's when I met his mom. Oh my, I hated her from the get go, she was always going through my clothes and picking out something she liked, and he would beg me to give it to her. So I lost a lot of clothes.

About a month after being there a friend of my new friend came here from Malibu for his birthday( I wish I never met him, but am so glad I did.) He was so sweet and actually paid attention to me, unlike my boyfriend who was stuck on the PS2. I was so bored sitting there all day watching the guys play their games. Heaven forbid I walk to the store and be gone to long, I would get questioned like I just killed someone, he never hit me though. The guy, John, from Malibu would play card games, by me a few drinks down at the store, and talk to me, instead of playing the PS2. My boyfriend got so jealous he tried to beat John up. John was only here for his birthday so he was here for a week, then went back to Malibu. I missed him the minute he left. Everything went back to normal quickly. 2 weeks passed by and the guys that were living in our place decided for a guys night out. We had the kid, but he wanted to hang with the guys so I said I would watch the kid. About 3 hours later the guys come home and inform me they pretty much carried him home, and that he got into a fight with the bushes.

All I could think of was what do I do with the kid. I went into my bedroom and talked to him, not the smartest thing to do, trying to talk to a drunk. I told him I was going to lay down in the living room with his kid, until the kid fell asleep. He started screaming, and kicked me with both feet into a glass mirror (the mirror didn't break and he was laying down we he kicked me). I left the room and laid down with the kid for a little while, until he came out of the room yelling obscenities at me about me cheating on him (using other words). I told him to go back and lay down, and that I would come lay down in a few minutes. The kid fell asleep and I did go into the room to lay down and sleep, thinking he had passed out. I walked in through the door to get yelled at some more, and have a Chinese throwing star thrown at me. It hit flat side against my upper right thigh. I fell to the ground crying in shock, he got up and kicked me, I tried to get up and stumble into the bathroom right there and lock the door, but he barged in before I could shut the door. I somehow got passed him, into the dining area of the apartment before he came up behind me and knocked me to the ground. He started stomping on my face once I was on the ground (thank God he was drunk, he couldn't get much into his stomps due to balance issues). That is when the room mates got up and grabbed him. My new friend who is 6'7” and 3-400 lbs grabbed him and through him in our room. He grabbed him by the through and elsewhere, and spun him upside down, slamming him into the corner of the room and told him to leave me alone. As soon as the guys took control of the situation, which was a bit of a struggle, I grabbed the kid and ran into my room mates room and locked the door, called his mother and apologized profusely. She came and picked up the kid and told me this is what I was warning you about.

Things seemed to be getting better, and under control. The cops showed up about 20 minutes later and everyone scattered. I told them the truth of what was going on and asked for a ride home, they gave me a ride to the station, to call my dad. I did and went home for the night, I kind of lied to my parents, and like an idiot I went back to him. Shortly after this incident we got an eviction notice, and I was contemplating leaving him, until he said he would hurt my family (control freak). So we moved into a van for 2 nights in the dead of winter here, so there was snow outside. Then my new friend called John in Malibu and asked for a place. We all went to the county office to get a free bus ticket to Malibu, my boyfriend didn't want to go and I said I am going one way or another, you can't provide for me here. He came along. Everything went fine for a few days in Malibu. Until the big party came up at the house, everyone noticed I wasn't hanging out with people, and kept myself locked up downstairs, even though he was asleep. They though it was odd, so when John came down to talk to me I went up to the party, sat on one of the many couches and talked to him. Enjoyed a drink or 2 before my boyfriend came up, everyone saw the look I gave him. Slowly the party ended sometime around sun-up. We all crashed. The next day the guys decided to “adopt the new guys of the house”, the was about 10 guys in this house. Night came and all the guys decided it would be a good night to go out and wrestle for fun “adoption time”. My boyfriend decides he is going for the kill on John and ends up rolled around the yard like a kid. After the activities we were all tired and went to bed.


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