I Died

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
You ever just wanna tell God to go do one? Well, do it.

Submitted: May 20, 2019

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Submitted: May 20, 2019

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It hit me like a truck, good reason to as well, it kinda was one. I wasn’t driving or anything you know? Just damn bad luck, bad driver, and bad accident. I can’t remember much from it really, a flash of light in my wing mirror must have set him off I think, what kind of an Uber driver has a seizure at bright lights? I mean for fuck sake, luck just is not on my side. So, there I lay, car on its side, all feeling gone from my body just like that and slowly I can feel my consciousness skipping off to go die alongside it. Last word? I thought to myself, ah, too late, can’t move my mouth. How about last thoughts instead? But that would mean I’d have to know the exact moment my mind finally goes blank annnnd- there. Gone. My last thoughts, were thinking about my last thoughts, that’s one for the book. It’s a shame really, my life was going pretty well to be honest. New job all lined up, although the journey getting there turned out to be about as successful as the damn Titanic. Other than that I guess it was meh, but that’s most lives for you right? Can’t be greedy, ‘Don’t worry, be happy’. I hate that song.

 

So, I’m dead, lights out, au’revoir monsieur. I can’t tell you what dying is like because I don’t remember it, it’s like going to sleep, but with additional blood and trucks. Now, I’m not religious at all, or rather I wasn’t, or maybe I’m still not? I really don’t know anymore. But when you get hit by a truck at fifty on the highway, you’re NOT meant to fucking wake back up. So you can imagine my confusion when I realize I’m awake, and that I can move. Do I open my eyes? Hell no, pardon the pun, because there are a couple of options here I need to consider. First, I survived, and right about now I’m in some hideous hospital covered in blood and scars, lovely. Second, I’m dead, and one of those religions turned out to be right and I’m in the after-life. So problem is with that, is that as I said, I’m not religious, if there is a damn hell I’m going straight for it faster than my dumb ass Uber driver down the highway. But then I still get meet to God right? Or maybe is Allah? Or one of those fancy Egyptian ones? Ok, I give, I open my eyes. Well shit. Shitty shit, shit. There is no room there, just one great big expanse of whiteness and some really crap holy voices in the background. Uh, one ticket to eternal damnation please? Sorry I forgot the sunscreen. So I look around me fairly frantically as you can imagine, come on big guy, don’t be scared, you made me after all. Judging by that fucking singing this is certainly not Islamic heaven whatever that’s called, because there is no jingling in the background of the voices, racist? Maybe a little. Ah crap, the white in front of me is opening up like a door, parting to reveal what look like clouds floating in the sky. How the hell did we know what heaven looked like? Monty Python had it spot on I’m tellin ya. Just as to be expected at this point, there’s some old man standing on the cloud with a big-ass beard. “Jonah” he says, a voice full of heavenly light and possibly some kinda whooping cough. I look towards him with what is definitely not the look you’re supposed to have when you lay eyes on God. “Welcome to the afterlife” he continues, “We will now judge your life, my son, for paradise or damnation awaits you.” Well would you look at that, I was right. “Tell you what” I say to him, “fuck you.” The big guy’s brow drops, he was expecting this, of course he was, he’s God. “I am not gonna sit here and let you lay into me, who do you think you are you pompous prick!” I stand from the shining white floor, maybe it’s a cloud, I dunno. “I’m fucking God you dickhead!” he replies, “I’m gonna judge you whether you listen to me do it or not!” “Why?” I ask, “You literally just shoved a truck in my face, and you’re going to judge me? Maybe I wanna judge you?” He pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration, “I knew I shoulda made you nicer!” he says, “I really damn asked for this.” I nod in agreement, “Yeah, you did, so stick your divine judgement up your holy ass, and put me back, I’ve got a job to go to.” His eyes stare back at me blankly, I wonder if he’s heard this a million times? Probably more I think. “That’s is so not how it works” he replies sternly, “I can stick you in a replica world kinda thing, but it’ll just be a dream.” I throw my hands up in the air, “I won’t be able to tell the fucking difference, Do it anyway!” God lets out a sigh, “You know what? Screw it. Piss off to your dream world, I’ve given you more than enough of my time.”

 


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