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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

Submitted: May 23, 2012

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Submitted: May 23, 2012




I never asked for much in life which is exactly what I got. My job was a travel profession involving working in Nuclear plants across the US cleaning condensers and heat exchanger tubes. The job was physical and demanding, but at the end of the day you felt good putting in long hours and contributing something.


It was not rocket science but still interesting work. However, the guys I was working with were another issue, some were pretty cool and others needed major lessons in people skills. Some I had worked side by side were downright crude, but one learns to adjust to one's surroundings, which is what I have done. I have learned that dealing with problematic people is to just smile and treat them with respect they don't deserve! For me, I have taught myself that in life when dealing with others its not always best to butt heads and deal with the issues head on like wrestling some raging bull. I am more timid, others disagree with this approach, but I find the problems either get solved on its own or eliminated smoother if you dodge a bullet rather than stand in its path. I am not about confrontational dissension, more the type that likes to be more translucent in the shadows observing all of my surroundings.

At that time, in my life money was modest and things were moving along for me. I couldn't really complain much; I was semi- happy. My life was simple and partially tedious, which is how I liked it, no major life drama to worry about at the time, just working and surviving. No car payments as my 1995 Nissan was paid for and only rent to worry about. The car was not fancy but it looked ok and got me from place to place with no problems. My future was put on hold until I had a reason to possess one. No assets in life and no credit cards and I was ok with that, I told myself "I am a simpleton there is nothing wrong with simple!" Moreover, in reality, was partially because I was afraid of making commitments. Furthermore, it seemed; commitment was something that affected my love life as well. At age 40, I had never been married so divorce was not an option for me....


However, things transformed since the beginning of the upcoming year. Something has come up that would influence my life from now until my last breath, I was told I had cancer. It seems my feet were swelling on me, on and off mostly when I was on my feet for long hours at my last job. The hospital could not find a reason for this besides Edema which can be attributed from traveling on the planes and being in tight areas. My doctor seemed to think it was a hernia. However, this was not the case; it seems that Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma is my cancer of choice. After doing some research I have found its not a matter of IF you get cancer but a matter of WHEN. The cancer is diagnosed at stage 4 (grade2) and into my bone marrow.


For me watching what I consumed seemed to keep my weight balanced but exercise just was not my long suit. I thought I was healthy, and though I was not fat, my immune system was silently attacked then defeated, allowing this cancer to reproduce itself throughout my lymphatic system.

My body was feeling the impact of getting older and losing its will to survive. I knew that life changes are beginning to unfold for me, and now I have to pick myself up and persevere.


I need to keep life on my side rather than fold and just cede. To me, my attitude was centered correctly, upbeat, and ready for the fight ahead. Doctors at my facility seemed to be fast-paced buzzing in and out of rooms, making one feel like a piece of cattle with a number stapled to their ear then quickly shuffled off to the slaughterhouse. I was left with no feeling of compassion, concern or regard from my doctors, but instead to accept the fate that is given to me.

The chemo started a week later, and at first it was unchaste; nothing major; in fact this was nothing like I expected. The experience was not at all like what I have observed in movies. What was the big deal? At first, it was a couple of days of pain and slight aches, no vomiting, loss of hair, etc.


The next few times were the same with no major concerns but after while my body began to feel the transformation. Now just seeing the room with the recliners and the smell of saline and my stomach begins to turn. Dry heaves commence until my body can gather enough to vomit. The few days afterwards are difficult and seem to last longer each time. I was awakened to thinning hair and pieces of small hairs stuck to my forehead and on my sheets. Taste for things is gone except for metallic, which seemed to linger for weeks leaving my cooking skills dreadful to say the least.


My legs and back still have moderate amounts of discomfort; however,the lumps in my groin and around my neck have seemed to diminish. I was on the path to being normal again. Fatigue is a major concern right now and the longer I sat around the apartment the more life seems to get meaningless. Depression intensified within my soul and creept its way into my daily life. For my salvation my doctors had pills for me, lots of them... Pills, pills, pills, pills! That's the answer I got.

If you're feeling blue, try this pill! Got constipation? Here is a pill! Got diarrhea? Have another pill! Have a headache? Another type of pill for you to take!

For me that is not the answer I expected, I have been through previous experiences with watching people with drug addictions, for me this was not my path. I need change but with death eminent in my head why bother? Life for me was cruel and unusual punishment so this was nothing new. Negative thoughts consumed me,"Why bother with anything?" I was pressured from everyone about getting chemo treatment, plus, had I NOT attempted recovery this way, my benefits would stop even though the chemo therapy in itself is slowly destroying me. This way if the cancer doesn't kill me, chances are later the effects from the chemo probably will!


It was bad enough my job fired me right after my diagnosis and gave me two weeks to get my affairs in order and get Cobra. Thank God, I signed up for short and long-term disability!


Now, I have a 400 dollar payment every month, with no employment and I also need to come up with the doctor co-payments. To make things worse my bank account is in the negative, and my short term disability payments are over. Well at least I still have long-term disability... NOT! Seems long term deems my situation even though misdiagnosed a previous condition. A pre-existing condition of neglect even though my symptoms seemed to show only in the beginning of last year when I started my job. Now I am on welfare, which allows me to get food stamps but does nothing for my financial woes. In fact, being out of work has stripped me of my manhood and well-being. I cannot in my condition go back to work but there is no hope of surviving finacially either. It's strange though you would think there would be some kind of care or programs that assist someone in need like this, however, that seems not the case in my state as far as I can tell and from the research I have done.



My depression just grew inside of me like a demon possessing the body and soul of its prey as its own sanctuary. I began thinking to myself why bother? In fact "Please have this cancer take over, with me leaving this world in a more quickly dignified manner." I have never been a quitter and yet the feeling of surrender overwhelms my situations. I struggle each day battling with my good and evil demons. I know I need to focus on a given path and stick with this pattern in every aspect of life, but sometimes it seems impossible. The difficult roadblocks in my life seem to advance each day leaving me battling my past and future's morality lessons.


In todays society what is right and what is wrong, just seem the to get on twisted paths with no end.

In the past, I was never much for dreams and major goals in life. As a teen I dropped out of school and pursued my GED, so I could get on with work and make real money.


That now, I realize was my BIGGEST life mistake!

In my twenties, I was way immature and rebellious so the military and boot camp deemed to have an extreme exercise program which did not seem to invite me in, instead, it was easier being lazy, and I liked it that way! I spent my childhood taking orders, those days I thought were long gone now that I was a young adult. My only goal then was that life changes were going to be done MY way.

That was my second biggest life mistake!

As a typical teen I knew what was right for me, after all I was young, intelligent, full of spunk and indestructible! Not realizing though, that is just about every teen!


I however, still had my blinder sunglasses on, and now, its years later I am in my thirties and maybe I made some mistakes in life...well, Ok! A LOT of mistakes, but life is great! Life is still being done MY way, who can ask for better; I am young; I have a job, and my bills are paid. I was still simple and yet still semi-happy.


One of my biggest problems in life is I was never into sports as a kid so among most males, I am deemed socially awkward. Women seemed more my social genre. Though I had friends, I seemed to keep everyone at a distance, unless I was dating them. I give trust too easy and always managed to get myself hurt. I could never understand why! After all I am a good person with lots of love to give, with a huge heart placed on my arm sleeve which I carried proudly as my biggest trait. That was going to be my ace in the hole card which was going to get me far in life. "My big heart stood out from everyone else, so I thought." That's right, everyone, I am a unique breed of man! It seemed the more I danced around and put MYSELF on a different level from everyone else, I thought I could have it all. The problem is, all it did was make me more socially and mentally awkward. Everything I thought I knew in life had turned out I didnt really know anything..


My third biggest life mistake!


It seemed all I ever did was get women who were just as socially and mentally tested with more issues then I had . I felt bad for them. I know the pain they go through, and in response; I would take their problems, load them on my back and still prance around like no big deal. However, when the times got rough, most all the women bailed on me! I was still alone, and I began to program my mind and soul to feel ok with this. After all, I cannot get hurt if I am not committed!

I would always rehash the saying; “I came into this world alone; I will leave this world alone!” Besides, I could not disappoint anyone if I was single’ so I slowly adjusted to the idea and life of being alone. The only problem is people began thinking it was strange me being as old as I had been and never married or settled down. Suspisions thought maybe I was gay but I wasnt I was just ok with the fact that being single and alone was peaceful by nature for me. As I got started feeling my oats in life however, I began missing some the comfort of stability and feeling of being settled with someone as to grow old with being I did not really have much family I spoke to and noone by my side had anything ever life threatening ever happened to me. Who would show at my funeral if I keep living my life the way I am ? It would be a sad day! So I decided to set on a path to once again search for love and involvment. Hopefully one day I would be succesful in my endeaver and progress normally in life.


Now at the age of 40, what has been my life achievements? After all, I did it MY way, and well, I think I have learned much in life. As I look back, however, did I move ahead in life or just take drastic steps backwards? Now with cancer in my life, seems life has cursed me; things are not looking up and bright for me, rather more bleak and gloomy. My head is cloudy and things are fuzzy I do not feel right. It seems if I have committed a crime and I am pleading for my life to a jury. Am I guilty, have I actually ruined my life?

I have concluded that from here on our life is most important and its what we do with it that matters. My goal until fate takes me is to make the best of what I am blessed with and change my life sentence. Life should not feel like a prison! Even if my journal takes a decade to write, I know one thing for sure I am going to be a different person by the time this is finished. I hope that my journey will enlighten all that reads my life struggles and victories and strives for change in everyone.





Chapter 2 The Divine Inner Truth

I am writing this journal because from what I have read this helps NOT only my condition but helps me find out who I really am. My life thus far, has been actually difficult and not really tedious. My education lacks; I have no PhD corresponding with a psychology or philosophy degree. In fact, I had to look up the word to be able to spell it correctly. The truth is I have never read a book from beginning to end ever! Reading and then trying to comprehend what I have read just made me tired and eventually put me to sleep or I would just forget everything I have read by the time I finished the page. Not to mention it was always easier watching the movie rather than reading the book. Although trying to take up the hobby, I regularly find it difficult to portray the characters within the story because the writers all seem to over complicate the writing, also it became more of a focus to try to understand the grammar then the writing itself. The serious people I know about in actual life do not speak in riddles with over intricacy of intelligent sharp-witted remarks with every sentence. In reality, those people are called smart asses! I have always kept my life simple so my writing may lack an overbearing complex style that most hard-core readers may be used to, but I think the demeanor and messages described in the writing will hopefully speak for itself! I hope with some self-help and learning of the art of writing as I write further into my story, readers will actually see my writing style actually take shape by the end of my journal. Readers can see it is possible to improve one's self though the healing process I will be putting myself though.

All I do know is I can help myself; I need to focus on my good, bad, and ugly reality. My divine inner truth, its time to do a self-analysis. However, before I can enhance myself, I must first be my own stone-hearted critic. As you have guessed I can come across as negative in life, although I have always argued, I am more pessimistic and a true realist by nature! So my own harsh self-assessment should come effortless for me. The struggle is to have pristine honesty with myself no matter the severity and achieve some formality of success by a transformation of pessimistic outlooks to have a more beneficial outcome.

Now being this far in life I finally have a story to tell, although I normally stay out of the limelight this time I am the star of my own show. I am by far not a writer let alone a good one. The way I look at things,what a better way to improve myself then through writing while facing my own struggles and demons. This may be a series of words that may never get finished before I die, but at least I can say my piece without the world's harsh critics bearing down on me.


My first thing is to tackle my flaws with what I am calling my own flaw and tactics outline. My comprehension of my personal worse flaws and then outline them with tactics and ways to improve on those situations, that not only haunt but keep me shackled and grounded in the present. A vast majority of my life has been spent blaming others for my disappointments. I escaped responsibility through my own self-pity of what I have been through. After all, these are my life cards and the hand I am dealt, I cannot change them! My past seems to haunt my present which, in reality, changes my future was my main negative mindset. Unless self-responsibility is taken happiness will always be put on the back burner for me because of the harmful traits I seem to follow. Traits of my past have ruined me as a joyful person yet, I find myself traveling in circles trying to find a final different outcome in life. My past needs NOT be a daily reminder of just how flawed I have become, but a learning point for which I progress.


An outline can consist of goals formed from disappointments.(Which I am sure, I have many) After you have a list of possible traits good or bad, next would be finding ways to improve on them. This can take time or you may already know ways to correct them but up until now, like me, have been too lazy to adhere to them. After your outline is formed now is the time for tactics! Fact is, when it comes to goals, they are best succeeded when written down then, pasted where you would see them every day. (For instance, stored by the bathroom mirror) The hardest area for nearly all including myself is to program one's mind that these goals need to be carried out with importance just like college courses and homework. Without dedication, and personal positive human influences, succeeding in one's life can be for the most part difficult if not impossible. I have been told that in life you get back what you put out. If you're drowning in negativity, then getting positive responses in life can be a challenge. Find ways to stay above self-destructive behavior. Negative thoughts can cloud judgments and make someone a prisoner in their own minds and hearts. Even everyday words can go unrecognized and affect daily decisions like can't, won't, cannot, etc. Our brains control one's actions so the beginning step to recovery always starts in our thoughts. Thoughts are usually controlled by how we think obviously, but if our past lingers in our memories, especially when they are bad ones, then our mind-set will usually always be unfavorable in return that negativity will control our everyday actions.


My aunt once told me that “life is like a book you have to know when to close the chapter and put the book back on the shelf. When you reopen that book life grants us the blessing of opening to an unused clean blank page and you can begin writing new chapters.”

The past is where it should remain and maybe reminisced of the good thoughts but at a minimum, we all should live in the present moving forwards never backwards. Prior history should be learned from and used to change the way we live in the present, yet; we all seem to drag our pasts with us with a ball and chain strapped to our ankles! This is not how we are meant to live. So for me the second road for recovery is living in the present and preparing for the future even if its only days in advance. Look forwards not backwards and prepare for the direction you're heading. Mind reading was never taken in school that’s not what I mean, I am sure most of us do not have crystal balls in our lives. However, that does not mean ambition should not be used to shape our futures. Ambition can be one's worst enemy or a god sent, struggling with ambition while stumbling across roadblocks can get discouraging in various ways as we all have experienced. The secret to ambition lies in courage to overcome at any obstacle and program our minds that success is the only solution. Never take NO for an answer or CAN'T as a solution. I am still learning this.

My outline will consist of my past traits that haunt me until this day; for instance, I am far from self-absorbed but self-conscious about ever being good enough for myself let alone anyone else. I would compare myself to those MORE fortunate than me. Of course, in my mind, I could not stack up, when the truth is I have much to offer but instead of focusing on my positive traits, I consumed myself with all the negative. The feeling and thoughts of never being good enough stemmed from my childhood and the experiences I went through. I lacked skill and interest at sports so the teasing of being a reject stuck with me though out my school years and then followed me into adulthood. Even at an early age I always worried what others thought, fearing that I would never live up to there expectations. Usually my thoughts of people's visions of me summed up correctly making me constantly self-conscious. These negative patterns I set out for myself had me wandering down many roads not wanting traveled. Up until now my life seemed depressive in my mind set, but I always knew my flaws, just never took any approaches to correct them. So optimistically setting up an outline and finding solutions to correct my problems will help transform me into a better person and in time I can release the shackles the binds.

I have learned a few years back that I cannot blame how I have turned out after the age of sixteen on my upbringing. My family were not the best role models growing up between mental and physical abuse with also drug addition and the stress of real-life bearing down on them, changed all of our lives forever. There were no winners only victims of life’s tragedies and penalizing actions resulting in punishment and consequences for everyone involved. Every action we do in life does not go unnoticed and is accounted for, in one way or another. I have always believed in what comes around goes around! For this I have wasted twenty years of abandoning my family and trying to bury my past. For me doing life my way was supposed to shape me from a different mold than my family allowing me to transgress into a well rounded individual. I could separate myself from all the negative hurtful traits I experienced growing up from the family I knew, not to repeat the same mistakes in life! I eventually released my frustration, anger, and hatred for them as I seen it was destroying me inside and forgiving them for all the sins they committed. However, I still barred them from my life giving them no room to see the errors in their ways and accept that everyone CAN change. In the end that made me just as ignorant, and my flawed thinking did not change me for the better but in-fact scarred me and delve me deeper into a depressive state of mind, hating myself even further. The more I battled where I came from the greater life became more complicated for me. Every time it seemed I was easing forward I was taking myself further backwards. My past held me captive eliminating any chance for improvement, it seemed as if the decision was NOT mine but in the fate of something more sinister. I was engulfed in my own hell and being consumed by demon's hell bent on killing me from the inside.



Chapter 3 A NEW LIGHT


My life to this point had gone through turmoil, and it seemed as if life could not have gotten worse for me, I was looked at and slapped in the face by reality. It was a hardening slap that will make me never forget! My doctor looking at me with new direction since before being treated as if I was a crazy and an over reactive hypochondriac. She presented herself to be confident in her work with appearances that she knew what she was doing. However, that was not the case just months earlier she was diagnosing me with a hernia. The growths under and around my neck and in my groin, area contradicted her synopsis but her arrogance made her more ignorant and dangerous than wise. She informed me now that her diagnosis was wrong, and I had cancer. My mind went black, and though I could see her talking to me, I could not hear anything else. I tried to console my emotion. I gathered enough strength to utter a single question. How bad is it on a scale from 1-10? She looked at me with a silence then appearing to look downward says, “It looks to be, in my opinion, around a seven.” My heart dropped, and fear struck through me as if I just saw the devil himself standing in front of me smiling and grabbing my hand leading me down his dark lifeless path back to what he calls home. After leaving the office my emotions broke though I called my sister and friends and went home to my girlfriend to explain my eventful meeting. Everyone asked about my biopsy, although one was not done, the anger from all of my loved ones were explaining that my incompetent doctor may be wrong. After a week with an oncologist and a now performed biopsy seemed that the previous news I received was this time correct.

I did not share in the anger everyone else had with my previous doctor, the way I looked at it; I finally had a diagnosis that was correct even if by mistake. After research seeing the symptoms of fatigue, aches, forgetfulness, confusion, edema, depression, etc. I was no longer a basket case, I now was taken a little more seriously. Looking and talking to my oncologist even though a number was pretty much stapled to my forehead and an invisible timer running next to his laptop in the room, where much of the appointment was spent talking to the back of him. I was informed I would need a transplant of my bone marrow soon, the question of how long I have to live was always side stepped like the answer to my question of how bad is the chemo killing my body? Reading through paperwork to disability my life is summed by numbers around eight to ten years or so.

Talking with my sister, I realized that life is short and everything most people focus on and waste energy with is irrelevant. What we do not focus on however, is time is not on our side and life is ticking away into some hopeless abyss. We cannot get that time back, it's what we do with our time that matters! Remember all of our actions in life result in some kind of consequence. The fact that I wasted twenty years of hostility and resentment, and separation needed a reappraisal. After days of reconciliation and understanding of each-others mistakes, resentments, and poor choices in life, things are moving on in all of our lives and hopefully, from here on out for the better.

Cancer, although diminishing to the mind, body and soul has shed a new light upon my life, and all that surrounds me. What I have taken for granted is now, with mental training being beneficial to my mindset. Sure, I still battle my demons buts that’s why I am writing and improving my life, self-esteem and future decisions. My past now is being put behind me one step at a time, and I am training myself to look and leap forward for once and not backwards.

Most of my life was spent thinking I knew it all and I knew what was best for me however, I now see that everything is not always what it seems. I believe in some ways my cancer has been a blessing. It has opened my eyes to be able to see things in my life from a whole new perspective with what time I have left. Instead of black and white I focus more on the gray. Maybe the challenges I have gone through has not gone unjust and without purpose. I have developed a semi-persistent cough but at least I wake up everyday being able to breath life which most take for granted on a daily basis! Don’t get me wrong I still worry about bills and life’s crazy woes. Only now my life is not being consumed- 24/7 with just worry, more time is spent on where I am headed and ways to prevent pitfalls that will create havoc if ignored. My inner strength will be created by building blocks that form my foundation to a different way of living and thinking by knowing that no matter what happens to me I will be okay. I am a survivor and I have been this far in life. Why? What has brought me this far and given me the courage to exist this long? Where has the strength come from? It is my belief that the answer is as big or how minute our thoughts are or have been to this point. We ALL have had positive influences that even projected themselves into our subconscious and even if not recognized has given us the strength to move on and fight for life. If this were not the case, more than half of our population would have given up and cease to exist. Positive reinforcement in our lives even if we do not recognize them have given us strength to carry on. Hopefully by now with help of learning about myself and life I can overcome my obstacles using better choices.





The biggest part of planning an outline, is to first be honest with yourself. If you cannot achieve this have others assess you. If you're living in denial over what your precise faults may be, how can one get accurate constructive answers? Again, if you go through life wearing blinder glasses on as I did, then obviously your list is going to be quite short. Constructive criticism is the best approach when achieving solutions to yourself-analysis even if projected by others. The approach mimics the glass is half empty or half-full summary. Not everyone will see you as you do, so having outside opinions can help with a self-assessment. For a majority of people constructive criticism is a difficult process to deal with, without having our defensive mindset feeling like some witch lynching with our feet to the fire. Errors we commit are not always learned from, rather more an assortment of pointless repeated sequences until someone sheds light on our ways. Do not get defensive and upset with criticism but learn to embrace it. A common response will usually consist of anger and the feeling of betrayal from your friends and acquaintances on their thoughts of your well being. This is a normal response but learn to evaluate the creditability of these comments for probable accuracy and instead of being and feeling insulted learn from the opinions and apply the necessary corrections needed.

Sure, you may not have the solutions on hand but research them and talk about ways of improving yourself. You will find that genuine people who are more mentally positive and stable in their life will hold your solutions if you choose to listen. If you do not have these types of people in your life, that should be the most important step in recovery. Surround yourself with people who have a more constructive outlook in life, it's as the old saying goes, Misery loves company.

The more beneficial influences you look up to and allow in your life the more favorable your way of thinking will start to become, the greater negativity in your mindset the more you invite misery and strife into your situations! Have you ever noticed someone that has encountered your life, in one way or another, even if only by acquaintance, yet, not only is that person always seeming happy but never seems to be beaten down by life’s drama? I have numerous times come across persevering individuals with an unequivocal glow of enrichment that encompasses their well-being. Happiness, consumes them as if they have been blessed and shielded with a titanium bubble preventing wicked things to penetrate their lives. I bet you do or have encountered these types of people at one point in your life. Instead of embracing the joyous positive vibe that surrounds them; you would rather feel annoyed by that type of person or worse, jealous of their good spirits. I did for many years and resented the happiness they brought wondering why they seemed to be so fortunate, yet, I consistently seemed cursed by life’s woes. It was my angry over-zealous mindset and views on life that affected my outlook and at that time, present state.

To me, it always seemed ironic how LIFE invites change but REALITY seems to cloud common sense. Like for instance we eat to live but the food we eat is killing us, it affects our health, mind and bodies progression. We have ignored our government to allowing processes into our daily food consisting of steroids, coloring, MSG additives, preservatives, sugar, corn syrup, anti-biotics and chemicals like ammonia just to name a few. Even though we know these things are going to have detrimental repercussions later in life we manage to over consume these things because it tastes so good even if it is killing us.

Like people that start and continue to smoke every day. It would seem most of our lives consist of the over indulgence of “Do what feels pleasurable!" I mean who cares about consequences when it feels so good doing it! We all have vices I know, but, like people I know, who buy higher-quality gas for their cars so it runs better, then go through the drive-through window at the local fast-food joint and smoke their cigarettes on the way home, it's all ironic. We as people do not focus on our consequences from our actions but program our minds to THINK we do the right thing even though many of us do not even THINK about it to begin with! Long story short, is all of our decisions result from our actions and mindset with future and present repercussions that we have to deal with. Think before you leap and use strategic ways of improvement over your life in all aspects of your own daily routines. Act smarter and one will become smarter!

Upon struggling with writing this journal, I have been doing the same type of ironic mistakes in my life, although reading and researching what consuming the wrong foods, which has been and is doing bad things to my health. I am in no way condoning another person's lifestyle as if mine right now any different, I am more on an approach to improve myself with the very identical facts I am preaching about. I know they work just, up until now, I, myself never implemented them. How do I know they work, that is what you're thinking correct? I will tell you why, because they are common sense objectives that are not beyond anyone’s grasp. In fact, common sense in my eyes is more complex than most will accept. It seems that every aspect of life is so unnecessarily over complex-ed. Nothing is simple anymore, remember when telephones were just that, a device to which you only talked with, no texting, the internet, mp3 players, etc. A car was used as transportation to get you from point A to point Z and back, it consisted of an engine, steering wheel and a radio. To get around you actually had to read a map book and learn east, west, north and south points to know where you were going. Heck, I grew up with television ending all broadcasts at midnight. Yes, I am showing my age but in fact, in some ways those were actually the good old days. Now life is about the gadget's heck; we cannot even roll down our own windows anymore; it's much easier to push a button in our cars. Civilization, as we know it has become not only extremely complicated but made us lethargic as well! We rely on gadgets to make our everyday lives easier but when it comes to our own thought processes, we still over complicate our destinies with less meaningful, overbearing,depressive approaches that ruin our lives.

I also am not saying that everyone has these traits. We all know some people do well in their lives and make perfectly wise decisions without drastic backlashes. However, a majority of us that do know where I am coming from know exactly what I am talking about. It is along the same disposition that most in my shoes dealt with; some have flourished others are still in progression, while some are in denial or too remiss to change. For myself, I have been all the above, thus the reason I can comment on such things. I do not claim to be a know it all or be elevated on some higher standard from everyone else, more the one on a path to renounce the bad behavior I put myself through and everyone else around me. I know and realize I cannot make everyone in my life happy maybe that is my fault or one which that lies within their own demons. My heart is in the right place but getting through to some people sometimes deems impossible, doesn’t mean it is though, maybe some are not on the same path as you right now but may in time come around. So just know the grief you maybe going though may not always be your fault but that of which some around you maybe experiencing at a different level than where you maybe at that time,






After you begin soul searching its time to confront our demons. As I have mentioned earlier prepare an outline and research tactics. Once you have come to grips with the realty check on our self-absorbed flaws its time to begin the foundation of our individual blue prints. For the longest time, I have walked through life with thoughts of failure and not at any time living up to my own personal potential. I under no circumstances ALLOWED myself to progress to a higher stature in life so MY initial issue at hand would be self-esteem, then would follow health, goals, financial improvement, etc. To begin start with the most important primary flaw. Your outline can resemble something like this,











1. Successful Self Improvement

2. Therapy

3. Mind Control

4. Martial Arts

5. Writing a journal


    1. 1. Positive Mindset

      2. Influential People

      3. Knowledge improvement

      4. Achieving success

      Inner Rehabilitation:

      1. Enrichment, Happiness and success

      2. Learning what love is and learning to love myself

      3. Live life more positive

      4. Better Health



      1. Get into a exercise regimen, join a gym, get a personal trainer

      2. Food education on what I should eat, implement a successful daily diet plan


      1. Living a better life

      2. Find what occupation makes me happy and do it

      3. Achieve success

      Money / Financial:

      1. Find Success

      2. Love what I do

      3. Become a future business owner

      These are some of my Outline and Tactic strategies that are planned into my future. I hope that I can overcome my demons and barriers to achieve success in every aspect of my outline. Of course, these are all not going to be done overnight. However, with the right mind objectives, I set for myself one by one each implemented achievement will become reality for me. A directive approach in conjunction with my self-assessment and corrective way of thinking will change my present and future courses in life and to be able to find the enrichment I am so expecting.

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