Poem by: Shane P
love, humour, haiku, fatherhood
Submitted: February 06, 2013
Joys of fatherhood:
Sleepless nights, endless worry,
And empty pockets.
© Copyright 2016 Shane P. All rights reserved.
Love this one too. I'll provide you with a mother's point of view.
Thankyou, i'll look forward to it
Now this one really works Shane. A haiku should be very punchy, which this one is. It essentially says so much with so few words. Well done.
Thanks mate, its hard but fun the last line is always the tricky one
Felt like i had to comment again on this... It worked so well. What you've done, so cleverly, is manage to conjur up images of fatherhood in just a few words that some people would struggle to do in a paragraph. The art of poetry, i believe, is to create an image in the reader's mind. This poem does it beautifully. I can see a dad's night feeds, trips to the doctors with his sick daughter, then as she gets into her teenage years the angst associated with her getting into boys and coming home late, and the @keeping up with the Jones's@ financial implications of having a child, from pocket money to IPADS and the latest fashion to make his litte one feel loved. Very very well done Shane. This, poetically speaking, is a very accomplished piece of writing. It just works brilliantly.
I forgot, correct punctuation is really important in creating the right message in poetry. You need to put a colon : after FATHERHOOD: a colon is used to indicate that what follows it is an explanation of what precedes it. It's perfect for after FATHERHOOD because you go on to explain the joys of fatherhood. Just this tiny little change will further improve this poem. Hope this is helpful. When my very clever mum critiques my work, she picks up on stuff like this and she's right, even though it annoys me and i think my work's fine. When you edit it you'll see what i mean. I wish i'd thought of this Haiku, it's fanastic.
Thankyou so much, seriously can't express my gratitude enough for your comments and imput you've helped me so much with my writing, you've introduced me to new styles, techniques and so much more, thankyou again and i'll correct the punctuation once i get home later, these comments are always welcome as thats never been a strong point of mine so correction where correction is needed i welcome, i'm rather uneducated when it comes to the english side of it but i make up for it with creativity (i hope)
Yeh you do, and i'll help with anything i think needs to be tweeked. Punctuation is something i'm good at and you'd be amazed how a little colon here: or a comma there, can...slow something down, or. make you stop for a second. See? So if you're writing something like - LET'S EAT, GRANDMA. rather than - LET'S EAT GRANDMA.
It's important. It could even save a life haha.
hahaha! thats an excellent way of putting it haha
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