I, ja, I went out with my mates last night, and I may have sent some rubbish from my phone. They got me very drunk. Friday night, stag do and all. Not sure what it was, but just ignore it. I seriously have one of those headaches you were after, you’re welcome to it. It sux.
Obviously I’ve highlighted words that stood out for me in your email that I would like to discuss, like you being sexy, you in my convertible, my head in your lap, how much of a catch I am, pictures in my head, and that musician and how you conveniently ended your letter on her abilities. But I know you will ‘shout’ at me and tell me off if I only write about what interests me, in the order typed above, so I shall take my ‘Brownie point’ of having the moron you write of being called a jerk and give you a thanks by responding paragraph by paragraph for your organised mind… have to get a coffee and Myprodol first though… ugh…
Ok back on track. Missed you on the dance floor last night by the way, you would’ve prevented this headache, you know I need looking after; you could make me breakfast each morning… nudge nudge…sorry, the track, your paragraphs. Right… hopefully I’ll get this done before my lunch date with… ha ha ha, I’ve already forgotten her name… I’m sure she’ll call or message me before then, I wonder if my mate remembers…
Sorry, can’t keep my thoughts focused, but I know I need to reply to this… why do I need to reply again? I can’t remember… paragraph one… right…crap. How long is that paragraph chick? Oh shit, there’s even more… ugh…and I hear your voice in my head telling me I’m procrastinating and wasting time, how do you do that? Yes, get on with it Dude, get on with it…
The dates were my pleasure. Totally in every way, ready to go again when you are. Yes, he’s a jerk, glad that’s decided on. Therapy? You? You’re shitting me. You don’t need therapy… or do you. Have I missed something here? Woah, I didn’t realise the contamination was that bad… sorry about that. What did this guy do to you? Why don’t you just be honest with him, like you are with me, email him and tell what’s up…? Maybe he’ll prove his ‘jerk’ status wrong and surprise me…
Heh heh heh, I remember that night. I knew you knew we had some good times together. When wasn’t I talking to you, remind me?…oh, Rocket! I remember that car. Man, I loved that car. You’d be too embarrassed to throw up in public, I don’t think you would’ve even if I’d driven in zigzags along the road and done some cool handbrake turns. We did some of those last night, Mitchell Crescent way, I think, or was that last weekend… Physio? When did you start that again, I thought you were done? Don’t get on your high horse, I was with Tania when you were in Johannesburg and as I recall you weren’t with a ‘whoever’, you were with ‘whoeverS’.
Yes, please can we find the bubbly sociable you again? You haven’t been out with us in months. You always say you are marking, or writing or doing your assignments. You used to have all that before, but you still managed to come out with us. I wish I knew who you were now too; it would make my life a lot easier.
How can you tell me I’m a fine catch and then go on to list everything that you don’t like? Can’t we just forget about those things? You can change me, you know you can. You could’ve been there last night and then I wouldn’t have this headache now or this lunch date with whatever her name is. We can lounge about at my folk’s place any time you like and you can look at me for as long as you need to and drive my car anywhere you like. Promise ;-) My aunt and uncle thought you were awesome; in fact they still remember you and asked me why I didn’t ‘hang on to you’ last month when I visited them. They think you should have my babies too ;-) Hmmm, I like this paragraph. Good one! Ok, no, I don’t anymore. Let’s just forget about the things you don’t like… ok?
I love it when you think in circles, and you talk around and around and then get all irritated with yourself, it’s cute. Other girls marry guys for money and status… I think there could be far worse places to end up. I know, it’s a good thing I’m now used to your brutal honesty, it has taken me years though. See, you don’t want to have to start that process with someone new, we’re already half way there, I love your fresh air honesty now, let’s go with that… ha ha ha, I don’t think it is possible for any human being on this planet to get ‘bored’ with you around, what a load of nonsense. Besides, if you do irritate me, then I can go and play golf.
Humph, I don’t think I want to know anything about this jerk after all. Yes, we’re all of the same mold, so he’ll be like me, but I’m a better version, so skip him over and choose me. Maybe you could change me?
Yeah, sorry about all that, I know that the last two years really have been hell for you, I only wish you would let me be there and help. I can help; even if I’m just sitting there… you know you just have to ask if you need cash, I’ve told you that before. Forget your ‘being in debt’ issues. You don’t have to pay me back a cent. Don’t you dare get fat or sick or start smoking, that would be like kissing an ashtray the size of a whale. Yuck… actually, that’s a question I’ve always had, seeing as we are being so honest here… why have we never kissed? You’ve only ever kissed me on the cheek twice in all these years… You and your movies and song lyrics, you have a memory like an elephant, I swear.
Well then we agree, we love each other, and we both want our souls to be lifted. So WHAT IS THE PROBLEM? Ow, my headache… seriously, I don’t get it.
Second letter? Isn’t one enough? No, haven’t got on Booksie yet, I’ll get there. You’ve just written that you love me, so ergo you are sending me love letters… what are you up to? I can’t send them and you can, what’s with that? If the guy says I’m intelligent, then he must be smart, word up to him. What are you on about, your family digs me, especially your Mom, I often have a drink with her when I’m out, and you should be more like your Mom. Yes it’s still that pub; we started there last night for my mate’s bachelors. I’ll ignore that dodgy comment madam, as I have for years.
You could’ve fooled me there’s no romance here. But I do always win; you are the one harping on about honesty, I was being honest. I enjoy my ‘I’m a guy’ reactions, they tell me I’m alive and you evoke more than that, and you know it, don’t go fishing for compliments here, I think I’ve given you plenty of those already. No way, those pictures are staying put :-D I can’t help what sticks in my brain, you know I’ve always battled with dates and names, hence my problem in an hour or so… still can’t remember her name, bugger. Just checked my phone, yes, I did my trick, can’t believe I remembered that. I put a 1 in front of her name when I saved it. Alice, brunette is her surname. I rock. I don’t however, remember the swings… ja, whatever.
You’re sexy, you’re sexy, you’re sexy… ugh… believe me; ‘hot little body’ does count. Women are strange; I’m not going to pretend I understand why you don’t like yourselves. Yes to the whole paragraph, you don’t know you’re beautiful. You light up my life like nobody else, oh, oh, oh I think they played that last night, and I thought of you. That’s the thing Angel, you don’t need to be alone, we’d all hold tissues for you if you just let us. I hear you, and you know I agree with you, I remember chatting about this after your friend got divorced last year. More people should begin to love themselves first, but you’ve already learnt that lesson. Anyone in your company can see you ooze confidence and can get through anything because you are so balanced and your internal locus of control is so strong. There’s no doubt in my mind that you know, despite all this counseling, fatigue stuff, that you are whole and don’t need to be needed. In fact you love being on your own and not being needed. I don’t love you anyways, I love you because.
Your letters are too long, can we cut them down? Faith, casino etc etc… skip that one. Next, he he, I love it when you call me a dork :) and when you take me to see ladies using their assets ;)
Yes, Angel, you have shown me you care. Since I read that book on the five love languages and I’ve figured yours is writing, and mine is one on one quality time, I think it’s time you spoke my language, when are you free to hook up? Right, I knew I’d remember why I had to reply to this, because it will show you I do love you, because I’m writing to you despite my headache. Yes, you always live up to my etiquette appropriate dares; me and my ego are happy and off to shower and go meet Alice Brunette. Love you
© Copyright 2016 Shannan Browne. All rights reserved.
Book / Literary Fiction
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