Moonrise over Valentine's my Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
A letter to the love that was let go... from one who believes that love is about desiring and helping another be the happiest, the best, they can be...

Submitted: February 14, 2014

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Submitted: February 14, 2014

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Oh my Love,

I still cannot emphasize how much I dislike technology! I wrote you this incredibly awesome love letter. I expressed in the most lyrically gorgeous ways how much the day had held you in its palm and in my heart, and then the computer decided it needed to “update” so it closed the entire letter! Deleted the amazing letter I had written, restarted itself and lost all the love I had transcribed! I’m seriously pissed off about it. UGH! My little internal voice told me to save it about a third of the way through but I was distracted by my supper in the oven! See, if I’d have handwritten it, then I would not now be typing to you in complete annoyance at having lost all the romance of the moment. You were the computer nerd, not me, if you were here, you probably could’ve retrieved it. But you are not. No, you are not.

I honestly thought I would have been able to force myself to forget your sorry self by now (click save button!), but that is not the case. I thought that time would heal me up and put me straight, but it hasn’t. I thought that you had to be right and it was all a figment of my imagination and I would be ok. You were wrong, so very wrong. With all that has passed and transpired, all that we shared, all I’m left with now is the constant memory of your presence here to stay… I was wrong, you were wrong, this all feels so wrong. . . another Valentines without you. Today has been yet another reminder that I experienced something beyond the natural, normal world when I was in your arms. As I see others in delirious happiness all I can say is: “I know what that feels like”. I knew what that felt like. Now, I remember what that felt like…

Those thousand fires of desire for you continue to smolder in my soul and it is days like this that remind me that I have no extinguisher for an electric flame. Each year is getting easier as it is similar to the one before, although I haven’t received another phone message from you to mark the day. When you sent me the knight in shining armor text message as he gave her flowers in her tower and then his balloon popped and he said: “I’m falling so hard for you and it’s never felt so good!”; I was over the moon. I felt like all the dreams I’d had of being a princess when I was younger were now the stuff for dreams coming true. Yet, even though that was your last message, my hope still lingers. The hope of meeting again, the hope of sharing heaven again, the hope of the fairytale having a happy ending… all hope…

I know you are now very far away. I know that you are where you are happy and at rest. I am not looking for pity. I’m not searching for comfort; I know I have to meet the end of this too, like everything else in life. I only wanted to make sure that if this reaches you in the far reaches, that you would know that I did, I do, I have, genuinely loved you. Most days of the week I push through, granted often in a depressed state because my soul feels like it’s missing half of itself, but I always get through, so I need no pity, my strength and perseverance through faith and knowing that all will be ok has overwhelmed me. I am truly blessed.

Today though, today you echoed your being into so many moments that it became surreal. It became like you were playing me a symphony of symbols asking me not to forget you. As if you were orchestrating the Universe, telling it to play your name, our perfect number, our dancing song. The memory I have of us laughing at remembering the old Coca Cola slogans because we were 3 decades old, linked with my farewell as I wanted to give you the gift of happiness… 7 candy vendors with Coca Cola “Open Happiness” umbrellas passed me this evening. In trying to run past the one, a butterfly flew into me and over me and fluttered off to the ocean next to me, my heart lurched as I remembered how we danced together. How I had to handle our interactions as the personification of grace. How I was told we looked like two butterflies joyously united on the dance-floor in perfect sync and glorious movement. The moment reminded me of how I had chosen integrity and true love as all I desired was your happiness. I let you go so you could enjoy it. My heart clenched as I recalled once again that my gift of delirious happiness to you was the cause of my dissention into misery. Any which way, I caused my own downfall, to watch your rise. To escape the butterfly attack on my emotions, I sat down on a bench. A magazine had been left alone and abandoned. I looked at the cover… my heart wrenched in its socket. The cover was a picture of the city I visited in your home country. A place near your history… a place I’ll never see.

I jumped up and started to run again; me, the sand, the ocean, the sunset. Exhausted I stopped. As the sun had been setting, the moon had been rising. Valentines dusk with a full moon taking itself on the journey to its crescendo over the sky. Full. Round. Glowing. Reflecting a strip of bright light in its wake, captured by the ocean’s surface in glittering magnificence. I slowly lowered myself to sit in awe, breathing at the same pace we once breathed at, to take in the incredible site. The thousands of fires of desire in my soul had sent their thick clouds of longing smoke into the sky, and the moon passed over them in all its beauty creating illuminated stepping stones on the surface of the sea. I wanted to dance on each circle, keep on jumping through every spotlight until I reached you. I sat their alone realizing I had no-one to share the moment with, no-one to mark the Full Moon Valentines of 2014 with. No-one. Yet as I sat there my soul knew that God was telling me: “I Love You!”

It could be that the journey of loving you, from handshake to dance-floor to the broken good-bye, was part of my path so that when God told me “I Love You!” I would know what He meant. Yes, I miss the tangible being who ignited the fire that created the clouds which danced around the moon tonight. Yes, your number haunts me daily. Yes, the star-light of passing aeroplanes still makes me hope and wish that the plane carries your return. Yes, your name is written everywhere and is not set to disappear anytime soon. But despite all that, you may never have wanted to enter into the space of heaven with me, but God does.

My Love, please stop conducting the Universe to play your name, your number and our song, when you so firmly believe that it is not “together” that we belong. You’ve taken your leave, your rest, now I need mine.

Always, in every way, happy valentine’s day…

Angel.

 


© Copyright 2019 Shannan Browne. All rights reserved.

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