A night of silence.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

So much said, No words spoke.

2:15 a.m.. Shes still tossing in her bed, back and forth finally laying on her back, staring up at the black. A blue hue showing a small part of the ceiling, glowing, mesmerized in thought she got lost in the fading and reapearing blue light. So much to think about. Work, money, friends, family and him. So many things yet only one thing seemed to really matter to her.. him. Was he thinking about her? Did he miss her? Can he sleep peacefully while she's tossing and turning wondering thinking wanting to scream. Does she even matter? Is it even real for him? Did she ruin things? So many thoughts racing through her mind. She lets out a sigh of frustrating. She loves him. There is no doubt, no hesitance, no second thought. So why is it so hard? She wants to give him the best. He deserves the best. He's amazing.. She can picture him next to her, laying there, sleeping so peacefully. She can remember every hair on his head and line on his face, how soft his skin is, the smell of him..She smiled. He smelled of coke-a-cola gummies and old spice. She remembered his laugh and smile and it made her heart skip a beat and her stomach flutter. She could get lost in that laugh. She tried to remember what it felt like when he held her. His body against hers keeping her warm even in the coldest days of winter. So comforting, when he held her, when he touched her, with even the simplest of touches like a brush on her cheek or his hand through her hair. Her smile faded.. can she have that back?  A realization that she may never have it with him again creeped upon her.. Her eyes began to water..This isn't fair.. WHY!? she screamed in her head. PLEASE don't take him away too, she thought speaking in her head as if to someone or something even though she was alone. It would be as if he was dying to her if he left. In her heart she knew he was safe but the thought of never being able to kiss his lips or touch his skin or hear him laugh or just be near him made her heart fill with this heavy pain. Why can he not see how she feels for him?.. 

Silence..

2:45 a.m .. she turned on her side looking at the empty space beside her. Oh how she wished he was there. She felt responsible for his change in behavior. she felt as if by her actions she managed to push him away.. She wanted to be with him all the time, to be apart of his life. She wanted to be as significant as he was in her life.. He said he loved her. He showed he did. She thought they were moving forward at a good pace for them. But it was her.. Which was the hardest part for her to admit. She had been hurt so many times. She built a wall and finally she was happy with someone she got lost in the thought of them having a future.. She felt she needed to be perfect for him..He did not ask this of her. She thought she wasn't good enough for him unless she was as amazing as him. She wanted him to see that She could be his everything. She did not fake her feelings, she did not do this for any other reason then to give him what he deserved..Perfection. But she wasn't and in her process she pushed him to fast into things.. He ended up pushing her away. She got scared thinking he was going to leave her and she panicked. She tried to grasp ahold of the relationship, of him.. thinking if she could just hold on tight enough, if he could just see her and how hard she was trying then he could find that love again..then he would want to be with her. She felt stupid. She wasn't scared of being alone. She wasn't scared of him leaving her for someone else.. She was scared of him not loving her. She needed to do what was best for him.. She needed to make him happy if that meant without her then thats what she would do. She loved him that much. So many thoughts..

Silence..

She cried silently. Tears welling up slowly, gradually flowing down her cheeks to be embraced by her pillow. Staring into the black of the room, she closed her eyes, with tears still continuing to fall to an ever welcoming cushion she fell asleep.


Submitted: January 12, 2010

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