Whoosh.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
Moving to a new place sucks. Not knowing anyone, having no one to talk to, especially when you've just had your heart broken. I didn't really get an ending it, but it's sort of like just peeking in someone who is in this situation's mind. You may say sadistic, I say confused, numb, depressed, and destroyed.

Submitted: November 16, 2009

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Submitted: November 16, 2009

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Whoosh.
Red.
Whoosh.
Red.
My tummy was beginning to feel funny. I’ve never been one to have a strong stomach, I can’t handle blood.. But I kept going.
Whoosh.
Red.
Whoosh.
Red.
God. This is so unhealthy, I thought. But damn, the pain feels so good.
Whoosh.
Red.
The red is my favorite part. It sounds so terrible and disgusting but.. It’s pretty to me. Not that I’m homicidal or anything. I’m really not.
Whoosh.
Red.
My stomach flipped and I felt dizzy. Time to be done.
I got up and put the blade back in its hiding spot. My wrist burned. It hurt like a bitch, but that was the reason I did this. The pain. I would rather feel this, than no emotion at all. Or worse, nothing but depression. That was how I had been feeling lately.
 
I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy.
I can’t remember the last time my chest didn’t hurt deep in my heart from anxiety, stress, or heartbreak.
I’ve developed many problems since then obviously, or I would recall.
I’ve become quite good at faking happiness though. I’m best when I’m drunk. Yes.. Not only a cutter, but a problem drinker.
And that’s just a start. There’s so much more wrong with me.
 
After my cuts stopped bleeding I took the wristband off my desk and slid it gently over my hand. I gritted my teeth.. It hurts covering up a fresh cut. It hurts even worse taking a shower right after. Which I knew I would have to do in the morning. I wasn’t looking forward to it.
 
I would just like to point out that, I’m NOT suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself. I’ve had phases where I’ve thought of it, but I would NEVER do it.
Why do it then, you may have asked yourself? Please, don’t judge. We all have our issues. And we all have our way of dealing. I just happen to not have any healthy way of dealing. Hey, I’ve accepted it. So hush.
I used to be the most innocent kid you’d ever meet. I knew nothing but Christian music. I refused to cuss, or even say “Oh my God.” I was so sheltered as a kid. And since I’ve gone out and met real people with real issues, it seems I’ve developed my own. Grown up, and done everything possible to push away from my upbringing. I’ve rebelled in any way possible against my parents. I now consider myself Atheist. I’m a constant potty mouth. But there’s one thing I’ve lived up to.
I’m the alcoholic my blood has said I am to be.
And honestly, I’m okay with it. What I’m not okay with, is the fact that despite my young age, I guess you could say I’m a sex addict as well. And on top of that I smoke. Not pot, tobacco. The bad stuff. I’m the kid from down the street your parents wouldn’t let you hang out with because they’re mommy let them use curse words. If my family knew the kid I turned out to be, they would cry. I think my mother has an idea of the person I am, but my father.. Nooo. I’m still that innocent little girl to him.
Also, I’ve just moved here, and got dumped by my boyfriend at the same time, so I’m very alone. I’ve been here almost three months and I’ve done what I can to manage, but it doesn’t seem to be working out for me. I miss my hometown.
 
I took whatever was on my bed and threw it on the floor. I’m not too organized. I laid down on my stomach and buried my face in the pillow. I shut my eyes tight.
 
I wanted out of this town. I hated living in a new place.. And I desperately needed to go home. Back with my friends. And hopefully someone I love. Finding someone here was impossible, there’s no one I can connect with. I know I’ll eventually be out.
I think about it every day, and it’s what gets me to stop the self-infliction stuff before causing any real damage.
 
Without turning the light off, I let myself slowly drift to sleep on my side. It was a long day, so it didn’t take long for me to start dreaming. When I woke up, I frowned. I had been in the arms of that one person in my dream. I had been hoping it was real. It will be soon enough, I told myself. As I reached for my cell phone to check the time, I flinched. My wrist. Ouch. But I liked the feeling. It was 1 P.M. I must’ve been pretty tired. I sighed as I thought of the shower though.. That will hurt a lot.
It was Sunday so I didn’t have school though. So to put it off, I got up and made some food. Then I came back and sat at my computer and logged on to MySpace.
 
I saw the names of my friends back in California logged on. I sighed. Updates of all the fun summery activities they were all going out and doing, while I was stuck sitting here, new kid in town, still summer break, mother at work all day, completely alone. I wanted so badly to be there, it made my chest hurt.
 
I shouldn’t be spending my time wishing, but I know I’ll get to go home, so I just keep living in the past instead of trying to adjust.

I got up, walked to my bathroom, and started the water.

Just relax, I thought.

I took off all my clothes and climbed into the shower. The warm water was relaxing. I moved my arm and felt the water splash on my wrist. Surprisingly, not a flinch.


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