Deep in black despair, my life yet, never comes to its end. A beautiful temptation of a life that once was, is shadowed; a plague of death covers and rots the interior of my soul. Alone I sit in my room, painted with a sorrowful color of white; holes of pain implanted in its walls, a pain that becomes my own. Here I start to stand falling on to my tired feet, so tired from living a high school life of drama and sadness. That’s when I figured out that I needed a break from my thoughts so I grabbed my jacket, black with a furry hood, and walked to my door. As I head for it I hear my floor creak, that’s all I need is for my sister to hear me, so lightly I start again. This door and room hold so many memories that’s why I need to get out, for myself and his, I start unlocking the locks. Three locks may be unnecessary but then again my sister has these random moments where she will just burst through and scream at me. I keep thinking to myself that I need to block out these painful visions of my past all they do is bring more sleek darkness to my life. I need to forget all of my life and start a-new instead of fighting myself, which is why I never sleep and become so tired I believe. He’s gone forever and I can’t change that, even though I wish I would have been chosen over him, I twist the knob and walk out to the hallway full of pictures. These pictures are just too hard to look at, in more ways than one, take for example the one with Simon and I in a field with the perfect lighting that made his eyes glisten a beautiful green.
That’s all it took was the memory of Simons perfect green eyes in that summer touched field. Losing balance I land on my door, the vision of how happy we were and how we should have been overcame me. Tears run silently down from my eyes to my cheeks, then to the floor, each containing a part of my shattered soul. I must control myself, the urge to let this dark life in to my mind and body, letting my arms do the work I attempt to lift myself from the pool of sorrow I created. It seemed like forever to get one leg to straighten and stand. I could feel the crippling urge to fall in both my knees and pushing through to the inner core of my heart. Still I manage to push aside this pain and his memory and restrain myself to just walking out the front door.
Outside it is midafternoon, the sun gently setting to west and birds flying above to their homes and children. Watching them land on forgotten trees feeding their young the recently dug up earth worms I start to forget the past and watch as a new begging opens opportunities to my life. Every second that passes by means my life is being wasted but for the price of happiness I guess I could pay. As I know it suddenly the sun isn’t up, the birds aren’t chirping and all the cars are at home parked with their owners restfully at bed. How it got to be nine o’clock is beyond me but I’m glad the hours pasted. For every hour passed I came officially say that life has been cut shorter, without me realizing my loss and the pain in my chest that come with all of this past life. Unfortunately my mind has now reset and here it opens all doors and windows and in crawls the black of night fighting with claws and teeth to over throw my conscious mind and throw it in to the everlasting black hole of intense pain and the smell of burning flesh. No I think to myself as with every slash in my brain makes myself remember every shot ringing out against my will. Pushing the black creature forming out of my mind it retaliates and I fall over into the void, hanging on by four fingers, I plea.
Losing grip I hear Simon, Don’t give up he told me, my eyes open and I cry out never! I grasp the edge of the imagined void with my other hand and pull myself up. Standing face to face with myself as a dark creature I punch him, leaving a break of light on his face, stumbling back this shadow version of myself cries in agony falling to its knees. Slowly I gather strength to walk, stumbling over broken promises turned to lava rocks. In this world I have lived for Simon, I will always live for Simon I say to myself, I grab the creature by the shoulders and drag him to the open void. With every ounce of strength I push him over and as he looks at me he starts fading. All I see is me, dark strings coming from him to me, all the pain and memories forming within myself, I lose grip and I feel a striking punch to my stomach. All I can remember from that vivid dream is falling and Simon screaming and crying with blue tears. I wake up on the cement outside my sister’s apartment, only dark skies to greet me.
Standing up I feel a sharp pain in my side, lifting up my shirt I find an open cut deep and bleeding out. How could that be possible? I force myself to open the front door, bleeding down forming footprints with droplets of blood, and I head to the bath room to grab some bandages. I felt the wind from the door when it opened, my sister standing in the door way with a worried mixed with a raged filled face, her just standing their shocked. She ran to me as I fell to the floor and passed out all I can remember is her calling someone and then complete black.
I’m in a field; a familiar look makes my heart pound hard, the trees the flowers and grass. All I can smell is nature and it is terrific, I forgot everything that has happened; that’s when I saw him. He elegantly just sat there looking as if he was waiting for someone. I walk gracefully towards him and outstretch my arm and hand to briefly touch his shoulders, just one touch to remind myself just one, that’s when I felt a jolt trough me a tickle at first but then a strong painful sensation as the world started to crumple. In pain I find myself on one knee next to Simon, just one more look that’s all I want, I call out his name. As he turns his head, the look on a perfect face turns dark and his eyes turn blood red, I lose sight of the field… of those eyes the ones that were once an elegant green.
Waking up in the hospital was strange, like falling asleep at a rave then waking up in someone’s car, I couldn’t figure out why I was here. A couple of minutes pass by and a nurse comes in that’s when I asked here, what am I doing here? She smiled a weak worried smile, one that your grandmother would give if you had broken up with the one you loved and she thought you would be crushed. As she talked her words came slowly to me at first I couldn’t understand, it was almost as if she was talking in Spanish or French, but then it all made sense. She told me I had a serious wound in my side at the ribcage. I was puzzled, like I forgot all about the fight with myself, inside myself. She checked all of my fluids and heart rate and told me she was going to get my sister, and told me how worried she’s been for the past two days. While she talked the words still came to me in different languages so I watched her beautiful rose lips to make any sense at all and said okay.
I lay in my bed for what seemed like forever before my sister came in to the room. I couldn’t remember the last time I actually missed her face; a painted on blush over white skin, grayish blue eyes concealing her true identity, and of course her long dark brown hair that flowed perfectly as she walked. Okay I guess you could say I was slightly jealous that she got the major good looks, not to say I didn’t get any… still. When she walked in to the room her face was paler than usual, almost as if she actually cared what happened to me. Long story short is that she didn’t understand my choice, or I at all. When she got through that clear door, only have covered by white blinds that move side to side, she briskly walked over to the bed and bent over to hug me. All I could smell at that moment was her two day old perfume, roses with a hint of lavender, I wanted to throw up.
She wouldn’t let go of me even when she was talking, saying that I needed help and what would mom think if she found out. This not only insulted me but made my body quiver just by the sheer thought of… maybe she’s right. I tried to tell her that it wasn’t exactly my fault that maybe I passed out or something and fell on to a sharp rock or a metal trash can. Even with telling false excuses she still was convinced I had purposely done this to myself, and blamed it all on my life style. This infuriated me, this was a good point for the doctor to walk in and tell her to leave for a few moments. Before she finally left the room she had a few final words, God is judging you so Straighten up your life. I watched her leave and as soon as she closed that glass door I told myself, don’t listen to her for she doesn’t understand and never will.
It seemed like he was talking for hours, even though it was only twenty minutes, I started drifting off into a day dream. Here I was in the hospital then the walls turned to air and trees and in the back ground a river leading in to a lake. The smell of lavender and pine in the air, birds chirping and flying above in the trees and sky. We were walking from the path, just to venture off and explore nature, the sound of grass crunching underneath our feet and twigs breaking. That’s how we found the clearing, laid out perfectly with all sorts of flowers and trees surrounding it. We sat under the furthest tree, a giant pine tree filled with green pine needles and a hole in the trunk for animals to hide from the rain. Under this tree I have had many life experiences, joy, happiness, sadness, pain. Of course the last memory I have of this old tree was the afternoon I lost Simon.
After I day dreamed for a time I focused back to what Doctor Fernlan was actually saying. He was talking about the close call I had and how if my sister didn't bring me here as soon as she had I probably would have either died or been put into coma I just kept thinking about my accident and how so real it was, but then again it couldn’t have happened. Maybe she was right, maybe I need help and I did do this to myself… No, I would never do this to myself no matter the pain I was going through, only because I knew that Simon would want me to live on and find someone new, to live a normal happy life. Every time I thought about Simon I felt tired, or maybe it’s just because of the lack of sleep I’ve had for the past month and the two days I just slept. So mid-way through his speech, I decided to pass out.
© Copyright 2016 shilohdhoisington. All rights reserved.
Miscellaneous / Gay and Lesbian
Poem / Poetry
Poem / Poetry
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