It's time for a change

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Love letter

Submitted: May 05, 2015

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Submitted: May 05, 2015

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It's time for a change

Scott, 

After reading your last response repeatedly...over and over again . It finally hit me into a painful realization. So don't worry , I have no more intention of settling myself into any kind of interaction with you even in a friendly basis so you don't even have to try .  Though I truly and sincerely appreciated your honesty and brutal response, it still hurts. And I refused to accept that I have pushed you away because I wanted something more of what you can give. That's a lie.

Your situation is not new to me at all since day one.Since the day you opened up and shared your troubles in life...your divorce, your job , your house, your kids and of course your craziness.. How you came to this conclusion, had made me confused and angry when all this time that we started seeing each other again , I managed to keep it casual to the best of my ability. I was perfectly alright as to where I stand.  I admit, I am still emotionally attached and invested with you .. I wont deny it.. Because my actions speak of it.. My texts, my words, my voice , my invitation, my patience, my generosity , my determinations , my perseverance , my understanding, my thoughtfulness, my kindness , my forgiveness and in I most of all my physical intimacy. As painful as it can be..I have learned and programmed my crazy brain not to expect from you at all to feel and do the same. I was very much contented and had fun with our so called agreed situation , whatever you want to call it.... Escapades , rendezvous , wicked games, evil plans, booty call, hook ups, in short .. \" friends with benefits\".

Don't confused my generosity for wanting something more from you .. Because when I give , it doesn't come with string. I wasn't keeping track of what you owe me.When I give because I choose to, not because of what i can get in return.  I give because it comes within my heart.. It fulfills me .. It gives me joy .. It's genuine .. That's the kind of person I am .. My family and friends can attest to that and of course , you.. So don't accused me of wanting more from what you can give. 

Yes I do care for you. You knew how I feel..I did care for you despite your changing circumstances.. Despite the constant battle in my brain of what I know and how i feel ,  I settled for what you can afford to give , be it your time, your caring words, and your presence. I never ask for more than what I deserve . Because I know .. I could only hope... I could only wish ... I could only dream. And I could only pray...It was always in your terms, your availability , your time, your schedule, your moods, your pain, your needs, what you want and your plans .. In short, I was at your mercy.. You were never obligated... I never did ask for more..I was so patient.. I never think I will ever be your choice or even a possible option because the way things were , even an option didn't even stand a fighting chance. And so I tried not to care. I fooled myself. I hide my tears. I swallowed my pride. I endured the pain . I put up with ridiculous things. I kept my smile despite the pain . I forgave you time and time again. I took the blame when I should not. I hold on even when I was treated poorly..  Why? Maybe because I did hope . And that's what I was guilty of. And even If I had hope that things could have been different this time. We both know that wasn't going to happen.. And only you knew the answer to that.  We both know emotions and logic aren't the same thing. .. And they never could be. I think it's time for me to start understanding that you are now just one of the people that is out my reach , the man I no longer know, the man I used to adore , the man I used to admire.... And cannot seem to find... It's time for me to draw a line of determination from desperation. It's time for a change.. Maybe not entirely what I want ... But this is exactly what I needed. Maybe saying goodbye is the hardest I will ever have to do and maybe to much to bear.. But maybe this time change is the only thing that will save my life.  Thank you for both the good times and the bad times. Thank you for the experience. Thank for the memories.  Scott, I am finally setting you free from any involuntary responses that you have to force yourself to connect and respond with me. You have my blessing to delete my number out of your contact list forever or block me if you wish. At the same time, I will set myself free from any illusions or delusions I have of you.  May you find what you are looking for.  May you find yourself again. May you live the life you love.


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