It was a bit after 10 o' clock when Sir Charles mounted his noble steed in order to venture towards the Great Mountain's top. He was to slay a dragon, I guess. The dragon had been a real bummer for the towns folk at the bottom of this Great Mountain. Naturally, someone had to go kill that thing.
Charles had never really seen a dragon. They weren't like everywhere or anything. Sir Charles was a knight and just got back from a war in a far off land; the dragon had bothered the town while he was away, killing people and shit, you know.
That got him thinking. He spent six months of his life killing people he had never met in a far off land for his town which was full of a bunch of dick heads who he had never gotten along with. Now, as soon as he returns those very same dick heads want him to go kill another thing. It's like "come on!", he thought. What was he to them?
That is when he decided fuck this job, fuck that dragon, and fuck that fucking town. He was tired of being bossed around by a bunch of fags. He turned his mighty steed around and headed east away from town and that Great Mountain.
He had always heard of a Beautiful Beach to the east but never found time to go. This was his time. Everyone will think that dragon thing had fucked him up and had him for lunch and wouldn't even care that he was gone. Sweet.
He arrived at the Beautiful Beach as the sun was setting. The sun was behind him and displayed a beautiful twinkle which reflected off of the open water. "Wow, cool", he thought to himself.
Him and his horse friend were totally bros and snuggled up that night as they went to bed.
All night he dreamt of how terrible that war he participated in was. At one point he had to hold his best friend's severed hand as his same friend looked for his foot. Charles had no idea what he would do when he found his foot as it was all cut off and shit. Some asshole cut his fucking hand and foot off with an axe. People can sure get upset when their limbs get hacked off by a guy you don't know. That guy who fucked up his friend got what was coming to him, Sir Charles stuck a sword right in his belly and that dude went down like a slut giving head in exchange for a ride. Yeah, just like that, well said. As his dream progressed he tossed and turned, dreaming about his friend crying in his arms as he slowly bled to death. Heavy. He told him to tell his wife he died honorably in battle. When he got back from war that dudes wife was dead. Oh well. such is life, I guess. People live, get their limbs chopped off, and then both them and their sweetie die. Classic story.
This one time, while in a battle, he lit a house on fire which had like six people in it. They were all wounded soldiers who couldn't leave. When Sir Charles' company had successfully massacred the town he was ordered to light that house on fire. He really didn't want to. He thought to himself, What if I was one of those wounded soldiers, I sure wouldn't enjoy that". He did it any way. That always bothered him, mindlessly taking orders from his piece of shit Captain. Anyways, enough of that.
He just could't sleep. He really wanted to get his buzz on, that was a little habit he had. No matter the time of day or where he was he just always wanted to get all intoxicated. It wasn't like he disliked being sober, but drugs are just so darn neat. He reasoned with himself plainly, "Why not?" Why not get buzzed right now? Him and his noble steed headed north now along the coast. They figured that they would eventually find a little town that had a little bar or something. Hopefully the townsfolk their weren't dick heads too. By the way his horse's name was Ed, he was great, you should have met him. That horse had survived the entire war with Sir Charles.
Charles tried his best to always be prepared. He had a little wine with him I mean. He knew though that as soon as he had a drink of that wine that he would soon want something a bit harder, and a smoke. So, he headed North hoping to crave his desires as he drank that sweet purple syrup. He finished the bit of booze in his bottle and noticed lights in the distance. It looked like a little town.
As he drew near he noticed he really had to shit. Sometimes that happens. In fact, that happens everyday if you are lucky enough to eat food. He got off his horse to go for a squat, as nobody ever says. As he did his doo doo business he saw something reflecting in the sand (he was shitting in sand like a kitty cat I guess). He reached for it with his hand and got it out. Anyways, it was a ring, a nice one too. It was all blingin' and pimpin’ and shit, you know: Thick gold ring with all these different colored gems in it. It was baller status, for sho.
Charles was all like, "Damn, this is fucking tight!" He then danced a bit, i'm talkin' real quick, like just a little happy dance thing. Adorable. He was stoked, man. imagine if that happened to you! He then was struck by lightning, I am totally serious! That actually happened in this story I am making up! Can you believe it! One minute: happy dance! Next minute: Lightning related near death experience. Wow. Just wow, man.
He awoke the next morning with a terrible headache. The sun light hurt his eyes, the sound of breaking waves and sea gulls hurt his ears. His dick hurt too, he didn't know exactly why but assumed that the lightning had something to do with it. Boy was he a mess! His horse just stood there, like a fucking horse. He didn't give a rat's ass that his friend had been lying there all night after being struck by lightning. If you think about it though, how the fuck would the horse know what happened, it's a horse. Horses are cool though, I rode one once. The whole time I just felt bad for the thing; carrying me and my shit around just for my entertainment. Whatever.
He managed to get his toasted body onto his horse and finally rode into town. When he got there people gave him very strange looks. They were probably afraid, he was wearing a full suit of armor, I mean the dude was originally going to go kill a dragon. Wow, I never realized until now how uncomfortable it must have been to sleep in that armor. Now that is just bad writing. I am shocked I have even made it this far, after all I can not even read.
He decided they were fearful of his battle ready uniform, sword and all, bitches. Sword and all. He stumbled up to a little pub-lookin' place and walked inside. Everyone gave him a crazy look. Ok, something was up. He asked the bartender if it was his armor, he said that he just really really looked like shit was all. “Oh”, he thought. Sir Charles explained the whole lightning thing. The bar tender dude explained that that happened to him once. Charles didn't believe him, that shit is rare. He got way shitty at the bar. Shitty meaning shit faced. Shit faced meaning drunk. Now that we are on the same page let me ask you something: Is it prejudice to have a favorite dinosaur. Thanks for your participation, let's advance this plot, shall we? If you responded: "yes", then please read on, otherwise fuck off, this isn't for you. You are probably a bitter old bad guy, with a small wang. Take that, butt head. No, no, no, you are cool, we are having fun! I kid, I kid.
So I guess he is way drunk and then like a townsperson comes barging in shouting all about a dragon. That is good right? The story opened with that, there should be more of a resolution involving that. So Charles is all drunk and used to doing fucked up shit in battle, he was a bad ass. he gets up and in slurred words shouts, "leabe em' to mree! *hic*".
He walks outside and saw the dragon breathing fire at a bunch of buildings, people ran out holding their belongings, running for their lives while still trying to make off with their belongings: pathetic. Get this: the dragon was so distracted by all the chaos that Sir Charles was able to stumble right up to him, sword in hand, and he straight up cut off that dragons dick. I am not shitting you! Bam! Dickless dragon. the dragon was so pissed. It reacted so sporadically and thrashed about, his tail swung and knocked Sir Charles the fuck out.
He awoke later. He had no recollection of what happened. He was in some nice bed, he was not wearing his suit of armor. He was pissed about not knowing who undressed him. “She better have been hot”, he thought. Charles couldn’t stand the thought of some dude or some fat chick taking of his armor and seeing his nakey parts. Personally I don’t give a rat’s ass about that. Rat’s Ass? Who the fuck said that first and was like, “this will stick”. He didn’t even want his old shit, his new threads were much more gangster: He was stuntin’ purple leotards. He loved the way it fit, man. So sweet. He got out of bed and walked downstairs. He just wanted to leave, fuck his old shit and fuck whoever undressed him. He saw a little kid burning shit in the fireplace. Charles just nodded his head at him and left. The kid looked scared to see him, guilty or something. Charles just waltzed almost around the street when the kid ran out and said, thanks for scaring the Dragon off. Charles turned and stared dopeishly back.
“Oh yeah”, he said. “I cut his dick off, huh?”
The kid didn’t say anything back, what a weirdo. Don’t disrespect dragon slayers, bro. We’re bros, right?
I mean I don’t know, maybe next he decides he really wants to bust a nut. Or how about he remembers that ring in the sand. Yeah that is more G rated, this is a children’s book after all.
Cause Yeah man, what the fuck was that all about anyway. I blame it on shitty writing that you read that stuff about a ring and then the plot totally changed with the lightning incident. I guess he wants to get that ring. “How did I forget that there?!”, he said to a random bum on the street. The bum was a mind reader and was very surprised too. They fist bumped each other and Charles went on his merry way. He went back to the pub and got Ed.
Lets make Ed a magical talking horse from now on. We will just pretend that he was not feeling talkative until now. To make things even sillier, lets pretend that no one but Charles can hear him. Maybe Charles is just fucking nuts. He tells Ed that he was sorry about leaving him tied up all night.
They went south to where he had gone for a poop earlier. By the ring of course. It was still there. Score. There happened to be a carriage heading North towards town too. He flagged them down cordially by yelling at them to check this fucking shit out while flailing his arms around. They were all like, “what?”. He told em’ to check out this sweet ring he had, wanted to know if they wanted to buy it. Rings are for fags anyways, why would he want that when he could sell it for booze money. Duh. They said that rings were for fags and to fuck off and have a nice day.
Charles said, “Well if you don’t wanna buy it, give me all of your coins. Or just some booze if you have any. Please.”
The people in the carriage were thrown off by his very polite robbery attempt. They explained that all they had was a debit card. Charles was all like, “what the fuck is a debit card?” They said they didn’t know either. What?
Anyways one dude reminds him of his old Captain, he started to crave alcohol badly and ended up killing the Captain looking dude to show he meant business. They were in utter disbelief. Charles just didn’t give a fuck about shit anymore and ran away with their debit cards and half a bottle of brandy. Ed and him drank it in like a second. Ed was very upset with the way that Charles had dealt with the situation. Ed explained that those cards must be from the future and that they wont do him any good here. Charles was impressed that Ed knew that. He gave him props.
Charles awoke in a dessert in the year 2013 next to a dead horse and an empty bottle of brandy. He was naked and sunburnt. He was holding a wallet with no cash, id cards, or anything; all it contained was a debit card. He had no idea where or who he really was anymore How did it get this way? What happened to Ed?
© Copyright 2016 Sir Charles. All rights reserved.
Short Story / Humor
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