a story about nothing

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
A memoir detailing my wild journey into spiritual awakening. A higher power told me to put my ideas in writing and share them with others. It's like nothing you've read before.

Submitted: October 18, 2013

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Submitted: October 18, 2013

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A story about nothing

The meaning of life is perhaps the most sought after concept that we as humans will ever yearn for.  There are so many different theories and ideas that it’s hard to know where to begin.  However, something has compelled me to write this book and share my experiences of the powerful and downright astonishing events that have transpired over the course of my twenty year tenure here on the beautiful floating rock that we call home.  I’ve attempted to pass my message simply through conversation, but it’s hard to portray all the information clearly.  This is my attempt to help enlighten others and accelerate the shift in consciousness that is currently underway.

First thing’s first, I don’t want anyone to think I’m writing this just to toot my own horn, or do I want you to judge any of the details I reveal.  Some of the things I have done are hard to discuss but I think it’s necessary to bring some things to light.  I can’t do anything to change what I did in the past but I can honestly say that it’s led me to this point so it can’t be too awful.  Obviously I wish I could have gotten where I am today mentally by not doing horrible things but I can’t pretend that they didn’t happen. My objective is to describe the two very different worlds I have lived in.  I’m at a great place spiritually, but everything was not always so great.  My new reborn self is disgusted with the person that I used to be.  I just want people to know that if it worked for me it can work for you too.  Even though I am the one physically typing this paper, I can’t claim the knowledge for my own.  The voice in my head aka consciousness is planting these thoughts in my head and I’m just doing my best to translate them.  Some of the greatest thinkers of all time like Einstein and Tesla claimed to get their knowledge from a higher power that they couldn’t explain.

I went on a Twitter rant earlier today which led me to the realization that I just have too much to say not to write down.  The best way to express my thoughts is just write down whatever it is that pops into my mind. My mind told me to write it all down so now here we are. Don’t read any further unless you are will to think outside the box. It may seem crazy at times. It may seem like a bunch of bullshit.  Rest assured I’m not typing this for my own entertainment.  I’m not a writer or some sort of insane typing enthusiast who gets off to writing papers.  This isn’t a fiction novel. I’m going to give you a look inside my life.  This is my life and my journey from hell and back.

This isn’t your typical spiritual awakening book.  I’m a twenty year old kid so expect profanity and inappropriateness.  I reserve the right to say “fuck” if I please.  It’s just a word.  A well placed cuss word can really alter the attitude of a sentence so I feel like sometimes it’s necessary to get a point across.  Anyone who is offended by anything I say needs to realize that words only give them meaning if you let them.  It’s ridiculous to be offended by the use of a word unless it’s used in a derogatory sense.  Honestly, the whole concept of language is absurd to think about.  I will never understand how so many languages even came into existence.  The world would be a little less complicated if everyone spoke the same language whatever that may be.  Unfortunately, people are taught different languages so some poor bastards aren’t going to be able read this magnificent piece of work because we were born in different areas of the world.

I grew up going to church just like every other kid.  I wasn’t a fan of church just because I thought it was really boring listening to someone talk for so long.  I went to church to please my parents but I didn’t enjoy one second of it.  My favorite part was the donuts they would give out after the service was over.  Everyone gathered around and ate donuts and it was most enjoyable five minutes of my church Sundays.  I started playing baseball tournaments on the weekends which would cut down on the amount of time we could go to church.  My excitement to play baseball was equal to the excitement which came from not having to go to church.  I don’t know why exactly why I disliked it so much but I did.

My parents aren’t religious freaks by any means.  We live in an area of America that is considered the Bible belt.  There are extremely conservative Baptists anywhere you look.  While my parents weren’t as gung-ho about religion as some parents, they would occasionally require me to go to church with them which made me resent church even more.  Church was so boring to me that it made school seem entertaining.  I’ve always rejected authority so when my parents would force me to go I would get extremely pissed off.  Early Sunday mornings were just not a great time for me. 

Growing up I was your stereotypical nerd.  I have the worst eyesight out of anyone I’ve ever met, which resulted in me having to wear huge, bulky glasses for several years in elementary school.  When I was a child I was always praised for my intellect.  Immediately after I was enrolled in school my principal thought it would be best for me to skip a grade.  I was already young for my grade so my parents and teachers agreed it would be best for me to remain in the same grade, but to go to the grade level above me just for math class.

Math was easily my best and favorite subject.  All other subjects in school are susceptible to biases which stem from teachers’ personal opinions being reflected into the material they are teaching.I have the utmost respect for teachers and what they do, but it’s nearly impossible to present unbiased information except for good ol’ black and white mathematics which is why I was drawn to it.  I was extremely good at the memorization of basic information which helped me preform the math at grade levels way above me. 

One of my earliest memories of elementary school is a day in kindergarten where everyone brought in an item to show the class for “show and tell.”  My classmates brought in various toys that were special to them and showed them off with great enthusiasm.  The toy I brought in was a sort of handheld game designed for practicing the times tables and other math equations.  I set the level to Grade 8, the highest possible grade, and began calculating the problems it threw at me with ease.  My teacher seemed to be the only one even remotely interested in what I was doing while the rest of the class was preoccupied with their Hot Wheelz and Barbies.

 When I reached the fifth grade I wasn’t able to continue the trend of going to a higher level class because sixth through eighth grade were held at the middle school.  I began having one-on-one sessions with the AIG (Academically and Intellectually Gifted) teacher to fill the time that had been spent learning higher level math.  Since I was the only kid being worked with during those sessions, the lesson plans were less math-orientated and included a lot more critical thinking.The typical day was spent playing mind-bending games and attempting to solve complex puzzles and riddles.  I graduated fifth grade and was ready to take on the mysterious land of middle school.

In middle school I started to change drastically.  I started paying attention to other people’s opinions more.  I started to shape my whole persona off of what I thought my peers would think was the cool thing to do.  I started becoming more popular and that was all I was really worried about.  I was able to maintain great grades without much effort so I turned my attention elsewhere.

  I talked the basketball coach into letting me become the manager, aka the water boy, of the basketball team.I started developing friendships with the older players and cheerleaders because sixth graders weren’t allowed to play.  I took note of the older guys and how they would interact with the cheerleaders because I was interested in trying to get girls myself.  I was interested in becoming the alpha male of the grade.  Being popular with the fellas was somewhat important, but being able to flirt with girls was a whole different ballgame.

As I was starting my chase towards the king of the sixth grade, it occurred to me that the most popular guys were class clowns whose grades were abysmal.  I convinced myself to lose my nerd image and transform into the athletic, class clown type that I saw so many girls ogling over.  I commenced to getting bad grades on tests the best way I knew how: I would figure out the correct answer and subsequently write down the wrong answer to ensure I would get bad grades.

I really came to enjoy myself as a class clown.  Being able to make people laugh is something I’ve always taken pride in.  I would goof off and disrupt class because I thought it was the funny.  That became my justification for the majority of my decisions.  When my teachers would ask me about any of my misbehavior my response was always “I thought it would be funny.”  I was an asshole to my teachers but my peers loved it so that’s what kept me going.  I landed in the principal’s office a few times and received In School Suspension a few times, which is pretty much just a step passed detention.  In the course of three years, I had completely changed.  High school was approaching and I was prepared to take my popularity to the next level.

I was coming into high school ready to conquer a new territory.Unfortunately, freshmen are viewed as worthless to the upperclassmen running the halls.  Most classes were still separated by grade but the elective courses could range anywhere from freshmen to seniors.  A lot of the upperclassmen really got to know my mom from her working at the front desk of the middle school so I received a pass from the standard hazing.Although the seniors liked me, it was hard to establish any real friendship due to the massive gap in maturity levels.  I had just turned fourteen yet I was roaming the halls with people that are considered legal adults.

Once kids starting getting their driver’s licenses, my reckless behavior was able to sprout outside the confines of West Henderson.Being able to get in a car with someone besides my parents was a somewhat foreign concept.  I could get in a car with one of my friends and we could go anywhere we wanted to.  It took me awhile to get comfortable enough to lie to my parents about where I was going.  My parents aren’t strict by any means but there are certain things that they obviously don’t want me to do i.e. drink, or do drugs.  I obliged to their rules for the most part, but I would still lie to them about my whereabouts.  Guilt by association was something they were big on.

Compared to some of the wild friends I hung out with, I was late getting into the drinking and drug game.  My friends and I were some of the coolest kids not just in our school, but the three other schools in our county as well.  For whatever reason people just liked to be around us.  We cracked jokes nonstop and every joke was bound to take it further than the last one.  The word normal was not in our vocabulary.  We had insane senses of humor but it never failed to make people crack a smile.

When junior year rolled around people were throwing parties almost religiously.  If my friends and I weren’t planning the party, we were usually in charge of providing the alcohol, since not many people knew anyone to buy it for them.  We were the people to talk to when it came to finding out when and where there was a party.

Partying became one of my favorite things to do.  There were just certain aspects to it that I loved.  I loved the way it brought everyone together, even if the common denominator was just the desire to drink alcohol underage.  Even though underage drinking is frowned upon by most individuals, we embraced the rebellious reputation with no peril.  Partying was my new love and I wanted everyone to know.

I loved blasting music and the way a certain song could be perfect for a situation.  I was usually in charge of playing the music because I made sure to keep my iPod up to date with the newest songs.  I loved the way people would react when they heard their favorite song bumping throughout the house.  I loved the way someone would be so proud of themselves for pushing their BAC to new personal records.  I loved staying up all night without a care in the world.  Partying brought a new level of satisfaction into my life that I hadn’t received anywhere else.

I embraced this new lifestyle with full force.  Getting wasted became a routine, and I was down to try any sort of drug without a second thought.  People would smoke weed and pop pills all the time but I preferred just getting as wasted as possible, as fast as possible.  At that point in my life, alcohol was my drug of choice.

For my 17th birthday I decided to throw a huge party.  I wanted to combine my love for partying with my need for attention.  I couldn’t rely on someone’s parents leaving for the weekend, which was the usually the deciding factor when it came to having a party.  I needed to take matters into my own hands.  My friends and I searched for a spot, and came across a small lake house which we decided to rent out for the weekend.  Since the house didn’t belong to anyone we knew we had no issue inviting as many people as possible.  You only turn 17 once right?

We arrived that Friday and started the festivities early, because nothing says “I don’t care” like getting wasted during the day.  We played beer pong for hours while we waited for people to start showing up.  The lake house was further than any other party we had thrown so we had to make sure the party made up for the drive.Being from a small town was a blessing and a curse when it came to word of mouth, but that night it was a blessing.  I was beyond psyched.  A shit load of people showed up and celebrated my birthday.  What could go wrong?

Me and the squad woke up Saturday morning with the exact same intentions that we had that same Friday, to rage face.  The previous night had gone swimmingly except several people had been stolen from.  We figured out the guilty party and he was invited back.  Not knowing that he was going to be confronted for stealing charging almost a grand to a debit card, he showed up and shit hit the fan.  Unfortunately, the new flat screen he bought wouldn’t protect him from the wrath that was bestowed upon him from the guy that he pissed off.

When the guy rolled up, a crowd of people ran outside to see what would go down.  I saw everyone running and thought the cops had busted us so I ran outside just to find my friend punching out the window to the guy’s car.  He punched him three solid times and that was all it took for him to inflict massive amounts of damage onto this guy’s dome.  Once everything settled we decided we should get away from the lake house because we were certain the cops would show up.Cars started flooding out of the driveway, avoiding the shattered glass from the window that was punched out.

A couple of us went back that Sunday to pick up all the trash and try to make it look like we didn’t have a huge party.  We had eight full bags of trash which was way too many to try and take back in the small sedan we rode there in.  Having no other options we tossed the bags of trash into woods and just hoped for the best.  I was damn proud of how clean the house looked to me but I must have still had my beer goggles on.When the owners of the house came to check it out they were not pleased at all.  According to them there was beer on the floor and ceilings, pills found on the ground, and they didn’t exactly have too much trouble finding all the trash that was poorly hidden behind random trees in the woods.  They calculated the damage to total 2 Gs but instead of charging us for the mattresses they just flipped them over and called it an even $1,000.

The owners of the house gave us two options: pay up or face the police.  I couldn’t let my parents know about the hell that was raised that weekend so I started fundraising.  I knew who was responsible for what, so I set out to collect money from them first.The only problem with that was no one had any money.  Scrounging up a collective fifteen dollars for a half-gallon of Burnett’s vodka was all it took for us to be satisfied.  Everyone’s money came from their parents and since no parents could find out about the party, no one could resort from a parental bail out.  New measures would have to be taken.

The possibility of the police getting into the situation really didn’t install enough fear in anyone else’s mind to take any sort of action.  I threw the party so I was responsible for what happened. Which is bullshit but whatever.  The squad began pawning every single thing we had with any sort of value.  We pawned all sorts of shit but not with much success.  The deadline for the money was quickly approaching and the 1000 dollar goal was nowhere near being hit.  That brought me to do one of the lowest things I’ve ever done.  I stole my own mother’s jewelry and pawned it.  I got several hundred dollars which I used to cover the cost of the lake house.  The situation seemed diffused and I thought I had escaped another close call with grounding.  That’s when my mom found a ring that held significant family value.  It was a beautiful diamond ring worth over a rack itself.  Pawn shops are mainly only interested in the amount of gold it possesses so luckily it didn’t find its way into a pawn shop.

My parents talked to me about why I took the jewelry.  I was very vague about the details which led them to different speculations on what I actually used to money for.  They questioned if I was even the one who did it, or if I was just covering for one of my friends.  They raised the debate on if I had such a bad drug problem that I needed rehab.  I reassured them that I didn’t have a drug problem and after a brief hiatus I was back to partying like always.

My senior year of high school brought parties that were bigger and crazier than ever before.  Several different houses were designated party spots and they were utilized as often as possible.  It was very rare that a weekend would pass without a party.  There were whole weeks where I just didn’t stop partying.  I had gradually progressed from occasional party-goer to full blown Paris Hilton status.  Being able to only drink alcohol at night, I started experimenting with other drugs.  I don’t know if I liked the drugs, or the image that came with doing the drugs more.  I know that sounds stupid but guess what, I was very very stupid so jokes on you.

My class schedule senior year was a complete joke so that allowed me to wyle out as hard as possible.  One of my cousins had moved nearby and he was big into partying and drugs so I knew he would fit in with the squad.  I had a new spot to chill whenever I wanted.  Me and my best friend both had student assistant at the same time.  Abusing the freedom we were given, we made trips to my cousin’s house every day during student assistant to go and smoke weed and play beer pong at about 11ish in the morning.

Having more opportunities to smoke meant just that.  When I could smoke, I was smoking.  I had deprived myself of the benefits of marijuana for too long.  I started spending more and more money on weed.  I don’t know if one can be physically addicted to smoking weed but I was definitely psychologically addicted.  If I didn’t get the chance to smoke before went to sleep then my thoughts would race and I had no chance of going to sleep.  It got to the point where I wouldn’t even attempt to sleep and I would just pull an all-nighter.  Weed brought me a sense of peace which I had never felt before.  I would stay geeked up all day and I would smoke before I went to sleep so my thoughts wouldn’t take over.  My sanity became extremely dependent on weed.

One night I was riding around with a couple friends when the officer pulled me over for “getting in the turn lane too fast.”  It was passed midnight but he claimed I knew he was a cop so I tried to avoid him being behind me.  It was a complete bullshit reason to get pulled over but next thing I knew he was at my window claiming that he could smell weed.  I know there are ways to handle things when dealing with cops but i didn’t have any experience at the time.  He told me I could give up the dope and get a ticket or if they had to search he claimed he would take me to jail.  I took the easy route and grudgingly accepted the tickets not wanting to risk going to jail.

My cousin’s inability to smoke natural, beautiful, grows on the earth, never hurt anybody ganja, led to the experimentation into synthetic weed or as I called “the fake shit”.  If weed if the greatest thing on earth than synthetic weed must be at least top 5 right? That’s what I liked to think. The only thing that synthetic weed has over real weed is the price.  It was significantly cheaper to buy synthetic weed and when you’re balling on a budget that’s pretty crucial.  I started smoking synthetic weed called GI Joe and I really enjoyed it.GI Joe eventually became illegal which resulted in me experimenting with other types of synthetic weed.  If you’ve never smoked synthetic weed I have one suggestion: Don’t do it.  I’ve seen it wreck worlds including my own.

I imagine synthetic weed was created in a mad scientist’s laboratory who got drug tested one too many times.  It is a combination of chemicals that I don’t even want to know what they’re used for.  Throw some random shit together in a beaker and BOOM, you’ve got genius creations like “Mind Eraser.”  Although I couldn’t condone the use of their product, I will admit that I do admire how straight forward they were with the name “Mind Eraser.”  It came in  small circular container with a smiley face on the top whose eyes were X’d out as if it’s mind had actually just been erased.  Luckily for those people who did have to be drug tested, fake weed was sold under the condition that it’s potpourri and “not for human consumption.”

The day after my run in with the law I decided I would be a good kid and instead of smoking marijuana, I would smoke the synthetic version instead since it was legal to buy.  After purchasing some of the “potpourri” at a smoke shop, I proceeded to smoke the shit out of it, because obviously that’s what people do with it. Yeah potpourri my ass. I emptied the guts out of a black and mild and packed the mind-eraser inside.  Me and my two friends took off back towards wherever we were hanging out, but of course we had to smoke on the way.  I took a hit of it and immediately passed it to the next person in rotation.  Almost instantly I knew something was wrong.  Mind eraser had momentarily erased my mind.  I can’t even describe how disorientated it made me feel.  It had the same effect on my friends and next thing I knew we were struggling to form sentences into a conversation.  We pulled off the side of a busy highway, zooted beyond belief on “legal weed,” the day after I had just gotten in trouble for a small amount of marijuana.  As we sat idle on the side of the highway, I was ready for another cop to pull up behind us just like it had happened the previous night.  After an excruciating thirty minute period, we had finally come down enough to continue on our journey with no problems. 

I witnessed many people give a whirl at mind-eraser and sometimes it was painful to watch.  People would be freaking out worse than I had ever seen.  The term “synthetic weed” gave people the impression that it was similar to actual marijuana.  The only similarity between marijuana and synthetic marijuana are the way they are smoked.  Even with the knowledge of the ridiculously horrific side effects of the synthetic weed, I still found myself trying all different kinds.  Synthetic bags were always getting removed from stores due to new laws about the chemicals that they contained.  However, the laws couldn’t keep up with the speed of which new chemical combinations could be created so synthetic was never hard to find.

It was very easy to get ahold of and smoke all the different “potpourris.”  I had my favorites but I liked to try new versions that would come in stock.  I became used to the adverse effects it had on the mind so must of the time it was no big deal.Synthetic weed started becoming more and more potent as time went on.  I came home one night and decided I’d smoke a bowl of some synthetic to the dome, when usually there was at least one other person to help carry the load.  I took huge rips until I felt it affecting me.  By the time I was done smoking the bowl I had already reached a dangerous level of highness.  I suffered some anxiety occasionally and it would be magnified by smoking the “fake shit.”  I had smoked too much.  There was no going back from this point.  I started dwelling on the fact that I had smoked too much which led to a full blown freak out.  My heartbeat began to increase, and I started to panic.  I tried to lay down but I could feel my heart beating through my chest.  I told my older brother about the fake shit and I half-jokingly told him not to be alarmed if I died in my sleep.  I didn’t want to go to the hospital because I felt embarrassed and ashamed for even being at such a point of weakness.  I proceeded to try and sleep it off not knowing if I would really survive the night or not.

I was at a point where I didn’t like being sober.  My mind would race if I didn’t have something to slow it down.  All my money went towards drugs but sometimes I didn’t have money so I resorted to new ways to get high.  I can’t remember when it started but I started drinking cough syrup on a fairly regular basis.  I would go to different stores and steal several bottles of Robbitussin at a time because you had to be over 18 to purchase it.  I was caught stealing it on two separate occasions from big stores who fortunately didn’t try and press charges on me.  One day my mom found around 10 empty bottles of cough syrup in one of my gym bags.  My parents made me watch a video about a kid who drank too much cough syrup and overdosed on DXM, one of the major ingredients.  After watching the video I decided that I was too good to get high on cough syrup so I graduated to prescription pills.

I smoked weed all the time because it made me feel at peace.  Instead of trying to figure out what my thoughts were trying to say, I wanted to make my thoughts go away all together.  I didn’t want to have to think about anything.  The desire to stop my thoughts all together led me to Xanax.  Xanax is an anti-anxiety pill that I can only describe as shutting off your brain.  Weed was nice, but it was no comparison to Xanax.  I took them any time I could get my hands on them.  Xanax affects the way the brain registers memories so there are large portions of my life that I can’t even remember due to Xanax binges.There’s nothing wrong with Xanax when used correctly but correctly was not an option.  My only goal for several months was to just take as many Xanax as I could.  I would hear stories about something I did while on them but I had no recollection of the stories that were being told.  Alcohol and Xanax might as well be the recipe for roofies.  Trying to remember anything from the previous night’s escapades just isn’t possible.  People created the term “retard mode” to describe the reckless behavior and complete lack of control demonstrated when mixing alcohol and Xanax.

I graduated high school with decent grades without doing a damn thing.  I put the same amount of effort into every class so I did shitty the ones with a lot of homework.  Homework was not something I did.  I decided to continue my education at the University of North Carolina at Charlotte.  And by continue my education I mean “continue to not do a damn thing.”  I pulled out 3 C’s and a D first semester for a respectable 1.75 GPA.  I was placed on academic probation and had to get my grades up or else I would be suspended from the college.  I decided to make things a little easier on them returned home mid-semester.  I had no desire to stay in charlotte, so I gave up and came home even though my grades weren’t too bad.  Too bad=not straight Fs.

I wasn’t sure what to expect when I first arrived to UNCC but one thing no one tells you is how terrible some of the classes can be.  I realize everyone has different taste, but paying tens of thousands of dollars to learn complete nonsense just wasn’t for me.  I was undeclared when I was there so I was stuck in gen ed classes.  I’m convinced the professors were in competition to make everything just as boring as possible.  They are tied at first, or last depending on how you look at it.  I don’t like to consider myself a lazy person.  I am ambitious when it comes to things that interest me.  It’s hard for me to motivate myself to learn random bullshit that will not enhance my life in literally any way.  Learning about old ass civilizations around the world may be good for someone to learn, if they plan on teaching that knowledge to someone else.  It blows my mind to see some of the things that colleges offer as classes.

After a brief stay at UNCC I was back at home ready to take on another challenge.  I enrolled in community college for a semester.  My older brother went as well so I rode with him to class every day.  The few days I was in charge of getting myself there I found any excuse to skip.  I was supposed to drive every Friday but I would just skip and keep the gas money I was given to have extra spending money for the weekend.  I ended the semester with around a 1.75 again.  It wasn’t great but at least it was something.  The next semester came around and I enrolled again but this time I signed up for all online classes.  I began the semester with the same mindset of “Cs get degrees.”  A few weeks in to the semester and I had completely lost motivation.  The online classes I was in were a joke.  Tests weren’t timed and were word for word out of the book.  I would look up every answer and if I couldn’t find one Google was always close by.  I don’t know if they actually expect students not to use to book but you’d have to be a dumbass not to.  Since I was being so resourceful, my semester went well for a while.  I was cheating my way to good grades, and good grades are all that matters right?  Making better grades had a negative effect on me.  Everything I needed to know was accessible through Google faster than I could look it up in a book.  I was paying money for someone to acknowledge my ability go Google things.  What a waste of time.

This is when things start to get weird.  I was still in my wild-boy stages experimenting with drugs.  One of my friends got ahold of some psilocybin mushrooms which I had never done before.  I had read different things claiming that mushrooms could alter the mind permanently.  People claimed that the mushrooms made them much more creative and that they helped them open their minds to concepts that require an abstract thought process.  I was eager to give them a try.  Before the trip began my friends tried to walk me through what would happen.  They explained to me that it’s crucial to control your thoughts or else it can result in a bad trip.  I had a pretty good grip on my thoughts and I was in a good place before I began the trip.

It was a wild experience to say the least.  I really enjoyed the trip and when it was over I felt the same as I had before I tripped.  I was proud of myself for not letting negative thoughts get the best of me.  During the trip I had a conversation with my friend that seemed absurd at the time.  He began to explain to me his thought processes when it came to the universe.  We had a pretty deep conversation but at the time I thought that his ideas were bat shit crazy.  He introduced me to the concept that everything in the universe is simply energy and that it has no beginning or no end.  I listened to him talk with an open mind but I was certain that the ideas he had couldn’t be right.  They just seemed so crazy.

That wasn’t my only run in with psychedelics.  I ate shrooms a few more times after that and it was no big deal.  After shrooms, the next psychedelic I consumed was acid.  Acid is a fairly intimidating drug due to the bed rep it gets from people who have never tried it.  Acid has helped some of the greatest minds who have ever lived.  A couple Nobel Peace Prize scientists even attribute their success to the use of acid.  Steve Jobs said it was one of the three most important things he ever did.

When Lucy came around I capitalized on the opportunity to try it.  Acid, like shrooms, can leave the mind permanently altered.  Most individuals are fine with just doing it occasionally because there is some fear that it can negatively damage the brain.I wasn’t too worried about any negative effects and proceeded to drop acid every day for a week straight.  I would consume the acid but go about my normal day as if I was sober.  At the end the week, the hallucinations had ceased and I only noticed the acid affecting my thought processes.

After consuming the psychedelics I went about life was usual.  I had a daily routine that included going to the gym and then hanging out at different friends’ houses smoking weed and just shooting the shit.  I was perfectly content with everything I was doing.  I didn’t necessarily enjoy doing the same thing every day but I was used to it and with everyone off at different colleges it didn’t leave too many options for entertainment.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADD and I get prescribed Adderall.  Adderall is basically steroids for the brain.  The best way to describe it is similar to the pill in the movie Limitless. I personally think most everyone can benefit from Adderall because it helps your mind achieve its full potential.  Take one and your mind feels like it’s in overdrive.  While that can be extremely beneficial, I would take Adderall when I didn’t have anything to focus my mind on.  My mind was running on overdrive with nothing to slow it down. Once I resumed taking my Adderall after my trip on the shrooms, I could tell something was different.  I took an Adderall and I could tell that new areas of my brain were being used.  I felt like I could feel my mind opening up.

I continued to take the Adderall even though I didn’t really like the way it made me think sometimes.  I looked up various side effects of Adderall and the negative effects of it really stuck in mind.  Things like schizophrenia and psychosis were implanted in my mind.  I convinced myself that I was slowly going insane but I still went out my normal life acting as if everything were the same.  I’ve always been someone who do one thing but be thinking something completely different.  I didn’t want anyone knowing I was going through any sort of difficulties.

I fell into a funk and got extremely depressed.  I started going to therapy to try and combat the mental anguish I was facing.  I didn’t want to contribute my depression to the use of shrooms since I didn’t have a bad trip at all.  I just assumed that I was bored with my life.  The little things that used to bring me joy were no longer exciting.  I would take excess amounts of pre-workout and other stimulants to try and get energy for the gym but when I would get there I had no energy at all.  It didn’t make any sense.  How could I ingest so many energy boosters but still feel like taking a nap in the middle of the gym?

My depression started getting more and more serious as time progressed.  I began to question if my existence was even worthwhile.  My dislike for church caused me to become a very outspoken atheist in high school.  I wanted proof for the existence of God and until someone could show me some proof, there was no way I was going to believe in it.  I started trying to debunk the bible using science.

Some of the concepts presented in Christianity were really absurd to me.  Science had clearly proven some of Christianity’s major beliefs to be false so I was baffled as to why they just disregard the scientific evidence.  I had finally started to question things and do some thinking for my own instead of just believing what everyone wanted me to believe.  The more I looked into scientific qualities of the universe, the more I started to question.  Unfortunately, this just contributed into the depression I was facing.  I completely disregarded Christianity and chose to believe in nothing instead.

I had convinced myself that there was no possible way that God was real.  There was no old guy with a beard sitting on some clouds listening to every thought that every person was thinking.  That was just illogical.

My newfound thought process had led me to straight to hell.  I was convinced that once I died that was it.  I believed that after my time on earth that I would just rot in the ground until the end of time.  I didn’t believe in any sort of afterlife.  I didn’t believe in anything at all.  I wondered if I was just wasting my time being alive.  I considered suicide even though I could never go through with it.  I would be driving home and I would randomly imagine myself driving into oncoming traffic.  I would get random bursts of anger while driving, making me accelerate to dangerous speeds.  Every car that passed I was proud of myself for not succumbing to the weird urges that were coming over me.

I began to wonder if I was experiencing lingering effects of the psychedelics on my mind.  Although everyday was the same, the way I viewed the situations had changed.  I started thinking about the future a lot and how terrible it seemed to me.  Go to school, work your entire life, save money for when you’re old as hell and can’t enjoy what you’ve worked for.  That did not seem like a lifestyle I was trying to live.  Day in and day out I battled thoughts of suicide, thinking I couldn’t bear to stand living in this pointless world any longer.  I was living in a terrible mental state.  I felt completely and utterly worthless.

While I was going through difficult mental times, my physical self was still around drugs every day.  Two of my good friends made some of the best hash oil around so we would sit around all day doing dabs.  If you don’t know what a dab is, it’s pretty much the 21st century version of smoking marijuana.The only productive thing I did with my time was going to the gym and I eventually got tired of that too.  I was spending all day everyday doing nothing except finding new ways to escape the terrible reality I had created for myself.

My two friends who made the hash oil worked as kitchen managers at a local pizza place.I was able to get hired simply for being friends with them.  My parents forced me to get a job but I was ecstatic with the fact that two of my best friends were my bosses.  I worked close to forty hours a week which provided me with time to think, but kept me busy enough to not get consumed by my thoughts.  I felt like I was finally starting to climb out of the hole that I had dug for myself.  I felt good about myself for having a job, even though a blind no-handed monkey could clean dishes.  At least I was doing something somewhat productive.  The urges to end my own life finally began to subside.

Instead of accepting what I didn’t know, I decided to rededicate my time into trying to figure out literally everything.I wanted to know exactly how I got here.  I didn’t want to put blind faith into something I didn’t understand. I was after answers.  My thoughts started getting more and more abstract but I finally felt like I was making some progress.  I would stay up all night because I couldn’t stop myself from thinking.  I talked to my parents about trying to get some sort of sleeping medicine.  The best way I knew how to explain my thoughts was a comparison to the movie Bruce Almighty.  Bruce gets God’s powers and begins hearing many voices in his head which happen to just be prayers from other individuals.  Just a forewarning, claiming to hear voices in your head is not a great way to maintain the illusion of sanity.  I didn’t know what was going on in my head, and I was convinced that maybe I was just going psychotic.

I was determined to figure out what was making my brain stay on overload.  When I would try to sleep, I would just hear some sort of crazy noise.  I had this sound inside my head but I would move things around and they weren’t muffled by the sound.  It wasn’t something I was physically hearing; I was only experiencing it in my mind and it was more annoying than anyone can even imagine.

I started to think maybe my mind was being controlling by some sort of alien species.  I still doubted the existence of god so aliens were my next go to.  When we were in Florida one week to see my Abeulo and Abeula, I found myself staring up at the night sky while talking to my brothers.  We talked about all sorts of nonsense and then the inevitable shroom topic came up.  As I began to explain my thoughts to my brothers, it became clearer and clearer that the psychedelics were solely responsible for opening my mind to new possibilities.  I took the term open-minded to a whole new level.

During our visits to Florida, it was tradition to get zooted and watch shows on Hulu.  The show Ancient Aliens was always the show of choice.  Some of the claims they make on the show may seem ridiculous but I was intrigued to learn more and more.  I started taking what they said and tried to relate it to what I was going through.  I went from catholic, to atheist, to alien worshipper.  I was convinced it was finally all starting to come together, but being controlled by aliens was a hard thought process to maintain on a day to day basis.  I kept searching for answers because I knew there was more to it.

The idea of aliens controlling my mind seemed feasible to me but I just couldn’t accept the physical representations of aliens I had conjured in my mind.  I thought the creator of the universe looked similar to a ballchinian (sp?) from Men in Black.  After watching an episode of Ancient Aliens a new idea was implanted in my head.  Could gods just be based off of aliens?

This shed a new light on my belief in gods.  Maybe people have just been confusing gods and aliens in their interpretations of the bible and other religious books.  Suddenly I no longer doubted the existence of a god or gods.  The possibility of the words “god” and “alien” being synonymous was an interest concept.  I started to look into gods from different religions and examined how plausible it was for them to be ETs.  The similarities are ridiculous to be honest.  I was immediately convinced that the gods that visited in the past were simply aliens.

I turned to Buddhism for answers and once again it went right along with everything else I had looked at.I would read a lot of Buddhist quotes and try and interpret what they were really trying to say.  I started thinking about the idea of the mind.  The Buddhists talk about how everything is just a creation of the mind.  Once someone learns to control their mind they can do anything.  They also teach that everyone can be the Buddha.  Could everyone really be a god? I was somewhat skeptical but I didn’t rule it out.

At this point everything was tying together.  The answers to everything I wanted to know were given to me in a sign of some sort.  I trained myself to be able to link things together to uncover a new piece of information.  The signs started getting more and more apparent.  My next step was looking into some science.  I started watching the show Through The Wormhole with Morgan Freeman and it held some of final the answers to what I wanted to know.

The fact that atoms are 99% nothing is insane.  Everything is made out of nothing.  How can that even be possible?  There had to be another explanation for why everything has mass.  Einstein’s string theory says that 1 dimensional strings vibrate rapidly and comprise everything we see.

I had found what I was looking for.  Everything in the universe is comprised of the same thing.  Whether you call it energy, which means “living force,” God, aliens, Buddha, it doesn’t matter.  Everyone is merely a creation of consciousness. People have been completely misinterpreting the information that has been passed to us.

As humans we have an ego which keeps us trapped within our physical selves.  Our bodies are just vessels for consciousness aka god to experience what it created.  We are all part of a giant puzzle but no one is trying to solve it.The clues are everywhere but as a society we’re programmed not to question anything we are told.  Everyone is content with their separateness not realizing the potential they hold.  Over centuries we’ve discovered so many new theories and random bullshit that we’ve actually moved backwards.  The more we think we know, the less we know.  We think we are making progress but we are just constantly putting new restrictions on ourselves.  Each and every one of us holds the power of the entire universe in our mind.  We are brainwashed growing up.We’re taught that making good grades in school is the ultimate expression of intelligence so everyone strives to memorize the bullshit facts, dates, and names and lead to getting good grades.

The universe is based off of the law of attraction.  My constant desire for infinite knowledge brought the answers of life to me.  Thoughts are energy which manifest into the physical world.  This is where the concept of prayer comes from.  Having a positive thought process like used while praying is just a way the law of attraction works.  People believe they are talking to the man upstairs when in reality they are communicating with the universe.  Meditation is another extremely powerful way of harnessing thoughts to attract the positive energy that manifests into the physical world.

The “third eye” is a somewhat played out term but it is very real.  It is the name of the pineal gland in the brain.  The third eye is evident in many religions seen around the world.  Higher consciousness levels can be achieved once the third eye is open.  Jesus was able to reach higher level of consciousness which is how he became Jesus Christ.  “Christ consciousness” refers to the highest level of consciousness that can be achieved.  “Christ consciousness” can be reached by anyone by losing the ego.  Buddhism explains that anyone can become the Buddha or reach this so called “christ” level of consciousness.  It’s the same concept but Christianity teaches people it’s a sin to think that way.

The pineal gland aka third eye is crucial when it comes to achieving higher levels of consciousness.  It’s light sensitive so it responds to what we see just like the other two eyes that we normally use.  The pineal gland naturally produces the psychedelic drug DMT which allows us to experience what we see.  Opening the third eye allows for more DMT and other feel good chemicals to release into the brain, changing the way we view the world.

Spirituality and religion are two completely different concepts.  Religion separates people while spirituality joins people together.  Christianity has been used over time to keep people’s thought processes from expanding into different areas.  Christianity teaches people to place their faith in something outside of themselves.  Man was not created in god’s image, but god was created in man’s image.

The biblical story of Adam and Eve is real crazy.  Adam and Eve are just the male and female representations of being.  The forbidden fruit was a psychedelic mushroom.  Adam and Eve lived in paradise on earth, which exists through a mental state.  Once the shroom was eaten, Adam and Eve were subject to an eternal life of suffering due to Eve’s changed thought process.  They had split consciousness into two polar opposites causing the ego to develop. The two sides started believing in their own identity which created the illusion of separation.  They were disconnected from the Whole leaving them to suffer.

In Buddhism, the Four Nobel truths are the main core of their teachings.The four noble truths say that life is suffering, and we must learn the origin of suffering, how to stop suffering, and the path to make it stop.  Being able to achieve these things leads to nirvana aka higher consciousness.  Buddhism and Christianity both discuss the concept of suffering.  The four noble truths can be answered by looking at the story of Adam and Eve.  All suffering comes from a sense of separation from consciousness.

While we sleep we lose the concept of ego.  Our conscious mind shuts off so we forget we’re human. That’s why anything is possible in dreams.  We aren’t bound to the idea that something is impossible.  The subconscious is free to dream up whatever crazy ideas it desires.  It’s possible to consciously control your dream self while you sleep.

I’ve covered quite a wide range of topics to hopefully give a little insight into my thought process and the events that have led me to this point.  Hopefully my story will help paint a picture for the crazy process I had to go through to reach this point.  It’s not easy stuff to grasp.  I had to completely lose my mind to get to this point but it as crazy as it seemed my subconscious wouldn’t allow me to change what I thought.  The conscious mind is only responsible for 5% of our thoughts and those are the thoughts that form the ego.  The conscious mind must be retrained to listen to the subconscious one.

I revealed a lot of information about my past as somewhat of a guide into my mind.  However, the past and future only exist within the present moment.  The book Power of Now was a great book on this topic.  There is never a moment that exists outside the present.  We store memories of what we think are the past, but the moments only exist in the present.  The future should be viewed as a continuous moments of the present.  So much stress is relieved once the illusion of time disappears.  Time can’t be measured.  Time is a concept that we created as humans.

The universe is formed by everyone’s different perspectives of what they see.  Nothing exists outside of what can be seen.  Quantum physics says that atoms are constantly moving unless they are being observed.  That’s why we are here as humans.  We are here to observe consciousness so that things can come into existence.  We are searching out into space for answers that can be answered right here on earth.  Earth is heaven and earth is hell.  Christianity just doesn’t recognize the rebirth of the soul into existence on earth.  When you realize that eternal life in heaven or hell is actually just a mindset, it makes the earth seem much more beautiful.  People are out searching for the answers in the completely wrong places.

The movie Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle provided me with a quote that I found myself saying all the time when faced with a difficult time.  “In the end, the universe tends to unfold as it should.”  The quote may be used jokingly in the movie, but I find myself thinking it in serious times.  The universe doesn’t make mistakes.  Everything works in perfect harmony to ensure that we are occupying the proper point in space-time.  No matter how bad things appear, everything really does happen for a reason.

One of my favorite theories is known as the hundredth monkey theory.  There were a bunch of monkeys on two different islands that were not close in distance.  Scientists gave the monkeys pieces of fruit with dirt on them.  One monkey eventually learned that washing the dirt off of the fruit made it taste better.  Soon the other monkeys began to take notice and they all began to wash the dirt off of the fruit.  The monkeys on the other island began to use the technique as well, without having any way to see that the other monkeys were doing so.Once enough monkeys learned the technique, it was spread telepathically to all the other monkeys.  This same idea can be used when it comes to humans reaching higher consciousness levels.

Whether your conscious mind wants to believe this information or not, the subconscious absorbs it all without bias.  The universe is constantly working to raise its awareness back to how it was when everything was first created.  There are signs everywhere and as humans we must use our critical thinking ability to piece everything together.

Today’s world is nowhere near where we are supposed to be mentally.  Fear is used as a means by the 1% to keep the entire human population from being able to form new thoughts.  Like it or not, in today’s society there is nothing more necessary than money.  Money is only as valuable as we make it, and unfortunately we make ourselves slaves to the dollar.

  I know when people hear the term “illuminati” it creates an absurd image in their mind of rappers and other celebrities who worship the devil or stuff like that.  However, the illuminati is just another term for being enlightened.  Secret societies may seem crazy to think about but they are very real.  They use the secrets of the universe and consciousness to use everyone else as a slave. They have passed the information down throughout their families in order to ensure their dominance over the masses.

The evidence of the New World Order is everywhere.  Money runs the world so ipso facto the people with money run the world.  Money is printed out of thin air and then given a ridiculous value.  The US government is 17 trillion dollars in debt.  There is literally no way this is even possible.  There isn’t 17 trillion dollars’ worth of stuff on earth.  That’s pretty much a dead giveaway that money has no actual value.  However, many people still work miserable jobs to pay for all sorts of stuff that they don’t even need to impress people that don’t matter.  Money causes people the most suffering out of any other idea that exists.  Money and success have become somewhat synonymous.  The fear of having no money drives people to do things that they don’t enjoy, to gain the status of “successful.”

Luckily for us, we have the ability to change the world as we see it.  Everything that I’ve talked about is simply an idea that we have all consciously created.  We choose to believe in governments, money, religion, the law, and education for example, so they manifest themselves into our shared reality.  When a global consciousness shift occurs, the suffering will end.  It is our jobs to create this paradise for ourselves.  Ignorance is suffering.

I’m done writing this shit now.  I started out writing this to inform others, but I really needed this for myself.  It helped me come to terms with some of the questions I had.  I want the best for everyone because I know we are the same.  We are holding ourselves back from our true potential.


© Copyright 2019 Sir Robert Burnett. All rights reserved.

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