You're With Me Now

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
God is always there, whether you know it or not. He'll always rescue you from your deepest sorrows.

Submitted: November 06, 2014

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Submitted: November 06, 2014

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I sat on the floor of my room in pure defeat, hugging my legs tightly to my chest. The room was dark, dusty, and cold. The only light that shone was the pale grey light of the moon coming from the high windows. He had left…again. Every time I would run into trouble He would be gone, nowhere to be found, but this was the last straw. My hysteria had manifested to the point where I was barely able to catch my breath. Tears were pouring down my face, hot and sticky. My stomach felt like a massive black hole was being created I was in such pain. He had allowed another person in my life to damage, deceive, and destroy me. This is where I found myself most days now, hiding within the deepest recesses of my mind, away from anyone that could ever hurt me. I thought that this was the best way to protect myself, but He couldn’t follow. I knew He’d try, but for some reason I didn’t want Him to. Maybe I’d been too soft to allow Him in before, I was so easily moved to just be okay with how He was running things, but this was different. He didn’t give me ample warning time for this and as far as I was concerned, He could stay out forever. I wanted to be alone for eternity, I had a feeling that I’d regret it later in life, but right now I didn’t even think I’d actually live to regret my actions. Here, no one could hurt me; no one could destroy my heart and betray my kindness. I didn’t want to be the fool anymore.

Perhaps I was in so much pain because He wasn’t there, I wasn’t entirely sure. As I looked up, I saw our moments together begin to play on the wall. I let go of my legs and slouched, feeling numb as frames went by like a mini home movie showing us in our secret place that wasn’t too far from the house where I now kept myself captive. Our secret place was a bright and open space that looked like I had been plunged into a Miyazaki film with its rolling green grass, shining sky, and alluring greenery. Perched upon a hill was a large and impressive oak tree that swayed in the wind. That’s where I’d always find Him. I blinked and saw moments of us under this tree, Him lying against the trunk and me laying in his lap, my back to his chest. We’re smiling, laughing, crying, and holding onto one another tightly. These are the moments I cherish most and the ones I most want to forget. As I strike my hands to my ears and slam my eyes shut the movie only gets louder and I can hear my heart crack and break inside my chest. The pain is just too real. Where are You? Why have You left?

Chills ran through me and I let out a sharp gasp as His singing resonated through my hands that barricaded my ears and my head lifted to see His face. His smile was perfection, His eyes were majestic, but His singing was something no one can recreate. His voice is what truly begins to tear me up inside. With a cry of despair, I shot up and in a fit of rage began destroying everything in my path. Anger had completely clouded my senses as I grabbed and swung at anything and tore it to pieces, not caring about the sentimental value. Clothes, paintings, even pictures of my family, were destroyed. All of this was incredibly devastating to my emotions but I was too far gone to really care. I looked around and saw the destruction of the things that once brought me joy, everything that reminded me of Him. I hurled a light down to the floor and it fell with a crash, breaking and leaving me in the dark. I slowly glimpsed up and saw that the movie has stopped playing and the wall is enveloped in a salt and pepper screen, like the channel cannot be displayed.

Silence was all that remained now. With another cry, this of pain and anguish, I fell against the wall and slid to the ground grabbing my knees. I felt for the cross that hung around my neck and stared at it.

“You promised. You gave me Your word that I would not be alone, that You would be with me through anything and everything.” I tried to breathe as the pain crept through my chest again, getting lodged in my throat. Pure resentment broke from this pain and exploded through my body as I held on to the cross tightly, pressing onto it so hard that a sharp pain came from the squeeze.

“God damn it!” With that I threw it across the room, hoping it would break. I pulled myself in closer and I realized I am really alone.

“I am alone.” I repeated in a whisper and thrust my fists against the floor, my hands went numb but I didn’t care. I’ve wanted to end it all soon anyway, so this pain is just another nail in what I want to do. I know the thought is there, it has been since He left. Or was He was never here to begin with?

The thought of committing suicide is so strong now I can taste it in my mouth. It tastes like metal and I can feel myself getting sick. I can’t deal with this anymore. I just can’t.

Paralyzed, I stumbled to my feet and reached for the 9 millimeter Smith and Wesson I kept locked under my bed. I never thought I’d be the type to use a gun to kill myself, that seemed all too messy, but poisons, pills, and nooses didn’t really appeal to me much either. Basically, death was always on my mind but I never really thought I’d be carrying it out. The things you’ll do when you’re absolutely desperate.

I gingerly brought the pistol into my hand and looked at it. The gun was a large and heavy thing; I could barely hold it in both my hands. The fine black color it shone made me almost disappointed at what I was about to do because it was so plain. Being trapped in your own mind, you would think you’d be able to create anything you wanted and it would be given to you. I was so lost and so deep that the ability to make things luxurious for myself in this “refuge” had vanished long ago. I’d have to settle with the just plain black then.

My heartbeats rang through my ears and I could feel my body become clammy and nervous as I gently lifted the gun to my right temple. The pistol felt cold against my skin as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I wasn’t sure if I was able to actually die while residing in my mind, but I prayed that would be the case, that I could actually die and this nightmare would be over.

The gun trembled in my hand as I hesitated. I don’t want to do this. Oh God, please don’t let me do this.

Out of nervousness or accident, I pulled the trigger. No bullet came, no loud noise, no death, nothing.

As if on cue, my room began to shake like a violent earthquake was happening. I blinked, disoriented from having been on the edge of death. My vision was blurry and I tried to gain a sense of what was going on. The rumbling became louder as I snapped to reality, stumbled up and threw the gun to the floor.

Everything was falling in my room around me, the walls were crumbling, and objects were smashing to the floor and crashing. A support beam fell right beside me and I barely jumped out of the way in time to not be crushed.

I was able to get myself to the window and look outside and see that the sky had turned red and the ground was cracking and decaying. My mind was caving in on itself. Maybe I had killed myself.

“Sarai!”

I turned to see a man holding out his hand to me. He was a tall, slender, but strong looking man. He had dark golden brown hair that reached to his shoulders that he tied back into a small ponytail. He was clean shaven, allowing his strong face to be seen, but it betrayed his age. He looked to be in his early thirties, but by looking at his face you’d think he was a blossoming twenty-one-year-old. He wore tight khaki pants, a puffy, pure white, pirate shirt that was loose at the sleeves, but tight around the torso. He also wore a long red vest that reached mid-thigh, with gold buttons fastened on both sides. He had a lavish sword attached to his hip that gently touched the middle of his knee-high brown boots that were dusted with dirt. As I got a closer look at him, his whole body had been powdered with dust and dirt, like he had been crawling through rubble to find me. I squinted as I tried to concentrate on the color of his eyes, but the room was too darkly tinted red to see clearly. Somehow though, I had a feeling that I knew this man; it was on the tip of my tongue.

The room began to shake with more violence and I faltered as a large crack began to emerge right in front of me.

“Sarai! Jump!” The man shouted. His voice was light, yet firm.

I looked right into his eyes and before I could even think about what I was doing, I leapt over the growing crack and into his arms.

He held his arms around me for only a moment. “Can you stand?”

I nodded and he let me go, grasping my left hand with such ferocity that it caught me off guard. We sprinted out of the room and I looked back over my shoulder and saw my room engulfed in flames and toppling upon itself.

As he led me through the dilapidating structure to the exit, I was surprised that this “sanctuary” I had built within my mind was so elaborate. I had briefly wandered the halls of this abode when I first created it, but that was a long, long time ago and I guessed the more I neglected it, the more overwhelming it became.

However, this man was gliding through halls and down stairs with no such effort at all, as if he’d been here before and combed through the whole place. Everything was going by in a haze as he pulled me along, a severe sense of urgency in his movements. As he moved, I was able to focus myself onto the thoughts I was having about his identity. I didn’t let anyone else into my world here; who could have broken through? Is he an enemy? Should I really be letting him take me somewhere that I don’t know?

I subconsciously squeezed his hand gently and he pulled me along faster. From that, I knew deep down that he could be trusted. As much as my doubts betrayed me, I had an earnest sense of certainty that this man wasn’t going to harm me and I’d never felt that way before.

I broke from my thoughts as the floor beneath us began to crumble viciously.

“Just hold on!” He shouted through the roaring noise of the destruction.

I gripped his hand tighter as we descended a large staircase and I could see two large double doors waiting for us.

Just as we were about to hit the last few steps to reach the floor, it gave way and I was pulled back and fell into the hole.

The man grunted in pain as he darted around to instantly grab my hand before I fell too far from him. I screamed as I halted in an instant from my fall. I turned my head and my stomach dropped with the sense that I had almost fallen into an abyss that I probably wouldn’t have gotten out of.

He got his bearings so quickly that I didn’t even register that he had pulled me up and into his arms, carrying me down the rest of the stairs and through the doors.

As soon as we crossed the threshold, almost as if it was meant to happen, we turned around just in time to see the house tumble and collapse in a pile of dust and debris.

There was an eerie silence as the tremors stopped and all I could hear was his breathing.

“Thank you,” I whispered looking into his face.

He looked into my eyes and I inhaled sharply as I saw the color of his eyes. They were a greenish grey, but they had the same hold on me as His did. This man knew Him; he was a part of him somehow.

“You’re my guardian angel,” I stated out loud.

The man looked at me softly and I could feel the pain he held inside his heart. “I do not deserve that name,” He spoke in a solemn voice.

Before I could even try to comfort him, he put his fingers gently to my eyes and I fell limp in his arms.

He carried me through the destruction of my home and towards the oasis of my secret place. He walked through the flowing green grass, he looked up into the bright blue sky and felt the warmth of the sun on his face, and he walked to the imposing oak tree.

There Jesus waited, His arms placed firmly behind His back.

“Derkiel,” He spoke as the man with me came closer. Derkiel bowed his head as he held me out to Jesus.

“My Lord, forgive me for not saving her sooner, she would not let me penetrate her bedroom door before now.”

Jesus smiled sweetly as He moved a strand of hair out of my face, looking at me longingly.

“It is not your fault, My warrior. You did all that I have asked. It is her choice whether to let you through or not.” He put His fingers gently to Derkiel’s cheek and the angel softly began to weep.

Jesus wiped a few tears away before taking me into His arms. The angel fell to his knees and remained there as Jesus took me through the trunk of the tree and up a flight of stairs to a grand bedroom that was filled with light and beauty.

He laid me upon the four poster bed as I was startled from my sleep. I looked into His eyes and I could feel rage fill within me again, but as His hand tenderly cupped my cheek that all melted away in an instant.

“It’s all right, it’s all right. You’re with Me now.”

I looked straight into His eyes and I knew that everything was going to be okay. That I was finally going to be at peace.

He gently began to sing to me just a simple and gentle melody over and over as warm, comforting tears flowed from me. As I began to cry harder, He pulled me into His arms and kissed the top of my head, continuing to sing me His lullaby.

 

He’d always been there. I should have known He’d never leave. When I was lost, He was lost too—I just didn’t realize it. Pain may be an essential part of life, but I know that my Savior and my heart are always with me.


© Copyright 2019 SJax. All rights reserved.

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