On the train.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic

Another agonisingly romantic story that I would like to share with you. Enjoy! and subscribe for more! :)

The next day was an awful reflection of the previous day, where nothing had happened and I was surrounded by darkness. Not a physical darkness, but a darkness that blocked out anything that would bring me joy. Its as if I am running from the only thing that might make me feel a shred of happiness.My mind said yes but my body said no and it led me spiralling to a place that I couldn’t control. There were few times when anything made sense as I clutched at reason and searched and searched for an answer when everyone else had already found them. I walked the longest road to find that there was nothing to be found and the only thing that mattered to me was that I was still alive. No one cared how much I was suffering and I expected just as much. 


Seemingly nothing would make anything better and this stayed the same for many weeks months years, until I realised that the only person I was fighting was myself and my own crooked perception of myself, and the idea that an existence outside these walls could exist is so foreign to me that when I approached it I was overwhelmed by its beauty. Who was this person that had overcome my being, I think you should ask yourself the same question. What is this floating blue dot in space and why does it keep spinning? 


I didn’t want to feel like this anymore, I went for a walk and kept walking until I no longer felt like my head would explode. And when it didn’t I was surprised. I was surprised to see you still standing there waiting for me and calling out my name. I was surprised to find that I still meant something to someone and that someone still remembered my name, because I wanted to be someone else. My name has nothing to do with it but I hate who I have become and it is for this reason that I want to change that. It was just that something was stopping me, was it myself. Everything around me had turned into furniture until there was just nothing left and nothing brought me joy even when I seemed it. What was this test for? how did I get here? where the hell am i? All I know is that no matter what I’ll always stick with it until I become just another piece of furniture. I kept running. I want you to know that although I don’t know myself I think you knew who I was and now I am crying out for someone to notice how sometimes I get scared, but really all I want is to go back to that time when we grew inside of our own shells and shared stories about our past with each other. and we never thought to hurt each other. I need you more than the air I breathe, Long walks alone do nothing but send me insane, long walks with you made me feel like I wanted to see what was ahead. Your comfortably fitting jeans and your wooly jumper, your headphones, your backpack, your haircut, my stare, why can’t I forget these things. Sometimes I feel like floating in the sea, under the waves, you’d know who I was then and I wouldn’t feel so alone. I can’t hide these feelings, that seems obvious. You are the only little piece of my life that I am desperately trying to hold on to. I need you. 


I’ve never been that great at writing stories and I wanna learn how, but in life we write our own stories and I’ve never felt more sure of the story I was writing. You became the friend I always needed. We walked and talked and I really enjoyed that, I don’t say that about much, and you were so good at hiding any feelings that you might have for me. And I was very good at not showing any interest in you because I didn’t want to get too distracted, but you were all that I needed. You were so brave to come and talk to me when I felt so alone amongst that crowd of people, you made me feel a sense of similarity when all I felt was a sense of fading away into a sense of acceptance that no one would ever accept me, I should of ran away with you the first time I layed eyes on you. There was these moments where I felt like I had never felt before, I felt comfortable. Just talking to you, and all I ever wanted to do since the first time I saw you was talk to you and be with you, but I knew we could never be and now I write about you like you are a distant memory. When really all I need is you to feel whole again. To feel like my life has a purpose. We could have been something great. I love you. Thats such an incalculable expression, but I truly do. 


I see myself in you and I don’t get to say that much, but I did feel more comfortable with you than with anyone else and if I let go then I know that both of us will finally be free from our own pain and the biggest pain I feel is that I feel too much. I am skating across the blue sky searching for you, gazing down upon your infinite beauty and all I hope is to see you looking up at me, not to see me but to remind me that you still care about me. Even if its only a little bit, because I need to know that what we had meant something to you. I need to know that if I fell you would catch me just as I would do for you. I can’t go on feeling like this everyday, like my world might fall apart without you. Just remember that I love you and I always will and that my greatest memories were the days where I spent wishing the days would end. On the train. I remember you when you got on and sat a couple of seats away from me, you were listening to your music and I tried so hard not to look at you without you noticing it and I was so tired. It is for these brief moments in time that I felt truly happy, unsure and deeply in love with you. I felt all of these emotions all at once and the thought that I might never get to see you again and writing this alone just makes losing you even more difficult to deal with. I know you’re out there and hopefully you are happy too. Its when I am alone that I feel like this the most. I would do anything just to be with you one more time and not just in my dreams. Thats how much you were to me, like something out of this world. 


I’ll find you some day, I just have to keep telling myself that, although I am so far away from anyone I once knew. You would have to be the most important, your smile, your voice, everything about you was like nothing I had ever seen before. I tried so hard to make you mine because I really did want you but I was just really messed up then and I didn’t know what to do. Anxiety has never been my friend and I think that is one of the big reasons that it was so hard for me to talk to you, because I was afraid of how you might think about me, but once we started talking I realised that I could talk to you without ever feeling like you were judging me or thinking something about me, I felt really comfortable talking to you. There are things that I would like to say to you that I might not ever get the chance to and that makes me feel empty inside. You’re all I have left but I can’t have you and if I could I would never let you go. I know that if I had tried harder to show you what I mean then maybe things might not be so complicated and if you are reading this then just know that everything I write I write for you, because I love you more than words can express and you are like nothing I can put into words, you are a feeling that I feel but can never understand, I’m not trying to over exaggerate any of this and you’re probably getting tired of hearing me say how beautiful I think you are, like really beautiful, I always thought this and all I wanted is for you to see your own beauty reflected in my own eyes so that you would know just how beautiful  I thought you were. 


If I had saw this coming then I probably would’ve done something to try and stop it from happening, but now that it has happened theres nothing I can do. All I can do is write this story for you and pray that somehow you read it and know exactly how I feel. Your smile was an amazing sight that shone through me. You would brighten up my entire day and then some more, but you were always fading into the corners of my mind and then you pass on by, why couldn’t I have you. You were always slipping away until you were finally gone and if I could see you just one more time then I would never let you go. But I don’t want to deal in “what ifs” because I know what we had was real and that I would do anything to see you again, just once. You’re voice made me smile and your hair was the change that I needed. I’ll never know what we might’ve been, but I know what we were and thats all I really need. I was in a bad place back then and I don’t think I would have made it out alive without your help. It only took mere seconds for me to decide if I wanted to be with you as you walked into my sight and it is still my curse that I feel everything so much and I still think about that time when you ran away from me because that was the last time that I would see you if I had known this at the time then I probably wouldn’t have let you go. 


There are some songs that remind me of a better time when we meant something, and now there are some  songs that I listen to that make me happy and I was most happy when I was with you, and it was the kind of love that I didn’t disagree with myself about. They say out of sight is out of mind, so why is it so hard to get you out of my head. In a place where I’ve been reduced to literally nothing and stripped entirely of my former self, how is it that you are the only constant in my ever changing world. You must be something really special. Like really special. If you can hear me then speak to me and say something that only I could understand. I want to go back to the way we were, to a time when we could just talk and not be afraid of what the other might think of us, in those moments we were united against everything evil that this world stands for and we were one in each other. I love you Sarah-Jane.

Submitted: December 09, 2014

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