Simon, a moron

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Fantasy  |  House: Booksie Classic
things start off funny and light hearted... but not for long. Simon is a typical teenager, grumpy, and not particularly wise. However, a holiday in Spain changes all of that, although not in a way that you might think.

Submitted: June 15, 2015

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Submitted: June 15, 2015




Simon was an average English teenage moron.

 He had lived in Chatham all his life, and enjoyed doing the usual English teenage idiot things. He would get hold of as much liquor as possible and get horribly drunk with his friends.  He would then stager up to the latest brainless bint he fancied and proceed to make a fool of himself, which his friends would find immensely amusing. After being slapped by the girl he was utterly failing to flirt with, he would go off with his mates, smash up some streetlights, and maybe get in a fight with someone if he was lucky. He would then come home at 4 am, where his parents would ask where he had been all night, and that he should tell them if he was going out, at which point he would tell them to fuck off, and then march up to his room and play call of duty till 7 am.

It was Thursday evening. Simon turned on the ps3 and loaded GTA V. He loaded online, and found one of his friends in the same session; his screen name was “nudestripperlullypuzzlemonkeygamer1998”. His real name was Mike. He was one of Simon’s friends. They started messaging each other. “Wanna go fk sht up? Said nudestripperlullypuzzlemonkeygamer1998. “Sure” said Simon, whose screen name was fuckboy67. They then proceeded to go around, killing every other player in sight, and blowing up their expensive and marvellous cars. After a good session of making everyone’s life a misery, nudestripperlullypuzzlemonkeygamer1998 left to go and have supper, leaving fuckboy 67 on his own. He decided to join a race, to show off his hyperly modded Pegassi Zentorno supercar. He joined a race, and found one other player there, ready to race him, a certain Skorobynightfall. Fuckboy67 laughed his moron laugh and saw that skorobynightfall´s car was an infernus, far slower and harder to drive than his mega excellent, god handling, rocket ship Zentorno. The countdown started. Skorobynightfall shot off the line, and rocketed round the first corner, leaving Simon in the dust. Simon, try as he might, was absolutely destroyed, and never even finished the race. He crashed endlessly, and spun out, all the while skorobynightfall hammered round each corner never even scratching the paintwork. Infuriated by being beaten by someone with a worse car, fuckboy67 went off to take his anger our on another player. He found one, called scrumpy125. He got his sniper rifle ready, and took aim. He missed. Then suddenly, scrumpy125 was racing towards him in a car, and ploughed over him, killing him. This sent him into a rage; it was time to show scrumpy125 some manners. Fuckboy67 tried every trick in the book, but it was no use. No matter which gun he used, or where he tried to take cover, scrumpy125 was faster than him, and killed him over, and over and over again. He even tried using a tank, but that didn’t work either, and his adversary just blew him up with a rocket launcher. Simon threw down the controller and stomped into the kitchen, to get some food.

His father, Jack, was drinking a cup of tea, and complaining to his wife, Irene, about how there weren’t any biscuits. Simon stormed into the room and went straight to the fridge.

-“You seem in a pretty bad mood son” said Jack.

-“Go away” said Simon.

-“What’s wrong darling?” said Irene.

-“Nothing, don’t ask me about it” said Simon.

- “Have you been getting angry at that computer game again?” said Irene.

- “It’s not a computer game, it’s a video game” god it was so annoying when parents got things wrong.

-“Well luckily you’re going to be having a break from all these nasty computer games and reckless nights out” said Jack. “We’ve decided to go to Spain on holiday and your coming with us”

-“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! I DONT WANT TO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” shouted Simon.

-“We don’t care” said Irene. “You’re coming, and it will be good for you to have a change of scene”. “Besides, we knew you wouldn’t want to, so we’ve invited that friend of yours, Mike, to come along so at least you will have your friend there”.

-“Fine, as long as we’re back by next Saturday, I’m not missing going to the football” said Simon.

That Saturday, they picked up Mike, and headed for Gatwick Airport. Simon was feeling more positive about the trip now, because at least he would be able to complain and moan with the company of Mike.

- “Bummer this trip isn’t it Simon?” said the moron known as Mike.

- “Yea, I bet Spain is full of dick heads speaking Spanish and eating garlic” said Simon, the king of teenage wisdom. They got on the plane, ate the traditional plastic meal, and arrived at Malaga airport that evening. They rented a car, and drove off through the city, and off onto the coast road, heading east. The sun was sinking below the horizon across the sea, casting ripples of orange, red and gold over the water, and bathing the warm air with its magical light. Simon was impressed. So was Mike.

-“Well this is shit” said Simon.

-“Yea, it’s really like....  not.... rockin” said Mike, with his deep, brainless voice. They would never EVER admit that this was one of the most beautiful places they had ever seen.

When they arrived in the town of Almuñecar is was dark. Jack parked the car, and they all got out.

-“Well you boys were going to the hotel now, and we will stay here for a few days” said Simon’s dad.

-“Tomorrow we will go to the beach and do some good old relaxing!” said his mum.

-“Whatever” the two teenage masterminds said in unison.

The next morning, they all went to the beach. It was blisteringly hot, so Simon and Mike stripped off and ran down into the sea. The water was warm and clear, and they both swam for hours. They then went to do some sunbathing. Unfortunately their pale English skin wasn’t used to the Spanish sun, so they both turned bright pink within an hour. They didn’t realise though, because they were too distracted by two beautiful girls in bikinis, walking along the shore. Simon jumped up, and ran over to them, with Mike close at his heels.

-“Ermm... hola babe!! Como is your name? Yo soy Simon!!!”  The girl on the left sniggered and said:

- “estas muy rojo señor guiri, ponte crema solar gilipoyas, en vez de ligar” he was about to answer with something even more embarrassing, when a wave washed up and knocked him off his feet, taking his swimming trunks with it. He turned even redder than he already was, pulled his trunks back up, and walked like a boss (a total dick head) back up the beach, with Mike following him in hysterics, the girls howling with laughter as the walked away.

- “Now that’s how to chat up girls” said Simon, felling masculine and super sexy.

The next day they went to the beach again. Strangely no one was in the sea this time and there was a red flag up. Mike undressed first and ran down to the water, without waiting for Simon.

-“Hey wait for me moron!” shouted Simon. But Mike had already jumped into the water. He screamed, and jumped out again, clutching his testicles. He lay on the sand, howling, making a right dick of himself, as a Spanish man came up and said:

- “ I espeak a English, no swim in the water, hay medusas, jellyfish, your friend is the very very stupid, that’s why there is a red flag up and the nobody is swimming” Simon found Mikes testicular agony very funny indeed.


That night they went out for a meal, Jack and Irene enjoying the traditional use of garlic and Mediterranean cuisine, Simon and Mike eating chips, and complaining about them anyway.

-“How are your balls?” Irene asked Mike.

-“Fine” he muttered, not wanting to talk about his balls. But Irene continued,

-“it’s all right Mike, I remember when Simon was six, a wasp stung him in his balls, and I had to cuddle him while he cried for hours” Simon scowled.

-“And another time, there was a hedgehog, and Jack walked outside, and then the hedgehog got right up...”

-“Ermm lets not go there dear” said Jack.

After paying for their meal which was horribly overpriced although they didn’t know it, they went back to the hotel, for their final night in Almuñecar. Simon and Mike decided to take some selfies to show off their new suntan, and after taking 84 incredibly cringy photos of themselves doing strange poses and putting on dickheaded expressions, they uploaded them to instagram, where they got an interesting mix of praise and insults.

Their next destination on their “grand Spanish adventure” (Irene’s words) was the small village of Torvizcon, in the contraviesa mountains. Simon and Mike thought it a grim little town. It was too quiet, and too traditionally Spanish. Of course Jack and Irene were loving it.

-“Why don’t you boys go and have an ice-cream in that little cafe over there while Jack and I go and find a nice romantic spot to take pictures” (of themselves kissing and cuddling with the mountains in the background)

-“whatever” said Simon. They sat at a table outside the cafe, and waited for the waiter to arrive. When he did, they said

- “two beers” the waiter just stared.

- “Oh for fucks sake, what’s beer in Spanish?” Simon asked Mike.

- “I think its “servesa” “two servesa please” the waiter nodded then returned with two glasses of beer.

- “¡wow I didn’t think that would work! I was sure they wouldn’t sell beer to underage kids!”  said Mike.

-“It’s because the waiter knows how cool we are” said Simon. What they didn’t know was that the waiter didn’t care whether they were old enough, he just wanted their money, and he didn’t think they were cool; he thought they looked like a right pair of twats.  After getting nicely bladdered with beer, the two cool guys staggered off to find something stronger.  It was then that a boy of about their age wandered across the pavement, a very grumpy and ugly girl at his heels. The boy was tall and lumpy, had a pointy nose and had a ridiculous hair extension draping over his shoulder. He wore baggy clothes, and was looking frustrated. He and the girl started to argue in Spanish. Although Simon and Mike didn’t understand anything, this is what they were saying:

-“I’m telling you, he’s a demon, and I found a reference to a demon killing weapon in that book about the occult! Said the lumpy boy

-“Will you please shut up about demons! He is not a demon; he is your old flatmate who you hate and have an unnatural obsession about murdering” said the girl

-“I thought you would understand! Come with me, we will hunt him down together!”

-“That’s enough! He’s not a demon, and I don’t want to hear any more about it!”

-“but babe, the book says about a magic dagger that...” but he didn’t have time to say anymore, the girl slapped him in the face and walked off. The lumpy boy then turned to the two bladdered British buffoons, and shouted:

-“¡y vosotros que mirais!” the two English heroes took this as a direct challenge to their britishness and decided to engage in combat with lumpy boy.  Now there is only one more monstrous and unpleasant thing than a drunken teenage English moron. Two drunken teenage English morons.  After beating the shit out of lumpy boy, they relieved their bladders on his head.  And shouted “god save the queen!!!!!!!” (Only it came out Gd saaaaaavie ther quuine!!!) The two brave patriots then staggered back to the cafe, where Jack and Irene were waiting.

-“Are you two alright?” asked Irene.

-“Yus, we wre juss at the thing findin sum stuff and you wer her, okay? Said the pissed patriots.

The next morning, they woke up in the hotel with an awful hangover.

-“I feel like a cow shat in my head” said iron liver Simon.

-“And I threw up seventeen times” said rock stomach Mike.

-“Our next destination is the heart of the region known as the “Alpujarras”, we will be staying in a little rural hostel in the Poqueira valley, all the guide books say it’s stunningly beautiful” said Irene, queen of guidebooks.

-“We will be doing lots of lovely walks in the mountains there” said Jack, of the resilient legs.  After driving up the windy mountain road, which made Mike feel very sick indeed, they entered the Poqueira valley. 


-“This is AMAZING”

- “well, I have to say, even I find this pretty dam spectacular” said Jack, Irene and even Mike. Simon wasn’t so enthusiastic. It was scenic, sure, but there was something strange about this place. They arrived in the little village of Pampaneira, where the hostel was. They all got out of the car and started to gawp even more at the landscape around them. It was very green. The slopes of the mountains which formed the valley were steep and wooded with oak and chestnut trees, and streams came down the slopes into a fast, narrow river at the bottom of the valley. The air was clean and pure, and the sky was blue. It really was picture perfect, with little white villages in different spots, adding to the stunning scenery. Everybody kept exclaiming and gasping, and sighing, even Mike. That was the strangest thing of all. Simon looked upon the landscape, without such feelings. There was something somehow menacing about this place. Despite the heavily wooded areas, there was a lot of scree, especially higher up, the light shining off it like the glinting of a knife blade. Simon shuddered. He couldn’t help feeling he somehow wasn’t wanted here. The mountain was glaring at him.

The walked around the village after checking in to the hostel, and then the adults decided to go for a mountain walk. Everyone was enthusiastic, except Simon. They walked for hours up the steep trails, crossing bubbling streams and shady wooded areas. All the while the rushing noise of the river below drifted up. Simon’s parents were chatting with Mike, which was very strange indeed. Everyone was happy and laughing except Simon. They stopped for a picnic. Simon tuned to Mike and said,

- “Hey man, is it just me or is this place kinda creepy?”

-“What the hell man, how can you find this place creepy?” your just imagining stuff. When he asked his parents the same question they told him to stop being so depressing and to enjoy himself. That night in the hostel he couldn’t sleep. He decided to go outside to take some fresh air.  He stared up at the cold moon, shining its light over the mountains, their dark shapes looming up, the river sounding like a thousand lost souls, howling in the dark...

-“Are you enjoying your stay?” a voice behind him said. Simon jumped, and turned round to see two lads, one about his age, the other younger. One, the lad who had spoken and was older, had longish blond hair, and a long black leather coat. He looked completely out of place. He was shorter than Simon, and was looking at him, with calm blue eyes. The other boy was shorter than the first one, with dark brown hair, and a grim expression on his face. He wore a dark denim jacket, and was also looking at Simon, with the same cold blue eyes as his companion.

-“Why do you want to know?” asked Simon.

- “I would like to know if anyone else feels the same as us about this place”

-“well to be honest, I find this place creepy, and unwelcoming. Everyone else seems to love it,” said Simon.

-“Good”, said the other boy. “We have been waiting to find someone who shares our feelings about this place, there is something in the rocks, in the trees and in the streams here which is dark, very dark... and we have been trying to find out what it is for a while now” He nodded to his companion, obviously his brother, who nodded back.

- “I suggest getting out of here as soon as you can, I feel something is going to happen, and we need to stop it”

- “stop what?” said Simon.

-“I’m not sure yet, watch yourself, be careful and expect the unexpected”

- “Right... ok...” said Simon. And at that, the two strange lads walked away, into the night.

The next morning Simon didn’t tell anyone about what had happened the previous night. He knew they wouldn’t want to listen. That day they were all going on another walk, to a ghost town at the head of the valley.

-“Guys... I think we should leave here... can we move on to another place in Spain?”

- “Don’t be silly, this is a lovely place!”

-“Yeah Simon, just relax and stop being such a dick!” said Mike. That really upset Simon. Here was his friend, the person he had always shared his opinions with, and he had just told him to stop being a dick. Well now he was feeling really really hurt and betrayed.  Eventually they reached the ghost town.  Simon had never seen a more horrific place. It was simply dripping with menace and dark energy.

-“Wow this is so quaint!” said Irene.

-“It’s so scenic here” said Jack.

-“We could stay here for a while and watch the sunset! Said Mike.

- “No, please, can we go!!” begged Simon.

-“SHUT UP AND ENJOY THE SCENERY!!!” shouted Jack, Irene, and Mike.  Simon had no choice he sat down, dread overwhelming his body. The sun began to set. The valley tuned blood red, as the sun dipped below the hills. Simon then saw a large stone next to him. It had a strange symbol carved on it. Mike saw him looking at it. He came over, and reached his hand down, to touch it.

-“NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!” screamed Simon. As Mikes hand touched the stone, the symbol began to glow. Then all hell broke loose. Darkness seeped from the doors and windows of the abandoned houses, and from the very rock itself. It swirled around them. Simon observed in horror as the darkness consumed his parents and his friend Mike. They fell to their knees screaming. They then rose slowly and stood, staring at Simon. His mother smiled, and with a voice that was not hers, she spoke:

-“Good evening my son, we are the spirits of Poqueira” his father then said,

-“We were banished from this earth thousands of years ago, and now we have returned, after all these long years” then Mike stepped forwards.

-“Hey bud; you know how long we have waited for this?”

-“Waited for what?” whispered Simon.

-“For centuries we have longed to be free from the old gods who imprisoned us here is this valley” said Mike.

-“We needed a vessel  from a foreign land to touch the stone with the symbol of release and set us free, so we have been luring tourists here for a long time, enchanting them with the beauty of our valley, with the hope they would stumble on the stone, and release us” said Irene.

- “you see the gods who imprisoned us, made a fatal mistake; they made it so “no man nor woman of this land will ever be able to release the spirits entombed here” said Jack.

-“but you foreigners, you tourists are not from this land” said Mike. The three of them laughed horribly.

-“But you were different” said Irene.

-“We could not enchant you, for your will is unusually strong, however stupid you are” said Jack.

- “But it matters not. You will now join us either way, and help us to destroy this land” said Mike.

-“First we will destroy the Alpujarras, then the whole of Granada province, then eventually, the rest of the world” said Irene.

-“COME AND JOIN US, NOW!!!” they screamed in unison, and moved towards a terrified Simon. At that moment, two people appeared from behind a building, and jumped in front of the three possessed people. They were the two lads from the previous nights.

-“Run bro, I’ll hold them off, just get that kid out of danger, and do what you have to do!” the dark haired grim faced lad shouted to the other one. The second lad, who Simon had decided to call “coat boy” grabbed Simon and dragged him to his feet, and told him to get on his back.

-“Just get on!” he shouted when he saw Simon’s stupefied face. Simon did as he was told, and suddenly coat boy transformed into a horse, and galloped away with a terrified Simon on his back. They galloped and galloped, down the mountain, and onto the lower foot hills. Then coat boy transformed back into a human.

-“What the fuck just happened!!” cried Simon.

-“Shut up and listen” said coat boy. I and my brother are what you might call “wizards”. I know it sounds crazy, but I have shape shifting powers. And right now there is one thing I need to do. Opposite these mountains there is another range of mountains, called the Sierra de Lujar, in these mountains there are mines, deep in these there is another stone, with the symbol used to counteract the symbol your friend so foolishly touched. The gods who imprisoned the spirits who took over your friend and your parents created an emergency switch as it were.  I will touch that stone, and the spirits will be imprisoned once again, and leave the vessels they are possessing. There are many mine entrances; the one I will go down is marked by a plaque above a metal door, with the words “mina romana” on it. I will take you to Orgiva, a town nearby. Find somewhere to hide, and don’t come out. When I have dealt with this crisis I will come and find you. Any questions”?

-“What the fuck? What the FUCK? Sorcery, symbols, seem to know all about these spirits... how? said Simon.

-“I know many things. And last night I found out about the Poqueira spirits, and knew you were in danger, so we came to find you, now let’s get down this mou....” but he didn’t have time to say anymore. His brother who had stayed behind to fight the spirits appeared behind him, punched him in the head, and then threw him to the floor. He had been possessed as well. Simon’s parents and Mike also appeared, and they all started to beat the hell out of coat boy.

-“Run!!!!!!!!!!” He shouted. Simon did as he was told. He ran and ran and ran. He knew once they were finished with coat boy they would come for him. And they would have a new recruit. He needed to hide. He collapsed in a ditch by the side of the path, just as his possessed parents, Mike, coat boy and his brother appeared round the corner.

-“Where is he?” said Mike.

- “He must be around here somewhere” said Irene.

-“He knows about Sierra de Lujar and the mines” said coat boy.

-“We will send the others up to the mines to keep watch” said coat boys companion. Others? Simon thought as he lay cowering in the ditch, terrified he would be discovered. That didn’t sound good.

-“Come back up the trail, he must have doubled back” said Jack. They left, and disappeared back up into the valley.

Simon sighed with relief. And then he cried. He cried and cried and cried. He wanted his family back. For the first time he realised how much he needed them. And he wanted his friend back too. He stood up. He knew what he had to do. There was no going back now. He would get to Sierra de Lujar, go down the mines, and find the stone. And save the world.


4 hours later he made it down the mountain, and into a town, Orgiva. He was exhausted. The town was silent. He stopped to drink from a fountain, and sat down for a rest. Coat boy had said Sierra de Lujar was opposite the mountain he had come down from. He looked south. Well there were some mountains. They could only be Sierra de Lujar. He took a step forwards, and collapsed. He needed sleep. He found the most comfortable curb he could find, and fell asleep. 

He woke up, and checked his phone, to see the time. It was 10 in the morning. And yet the sun had not risen. He realised it never would. He decided he needed food, so he walked until he found a supermarket. The doors were open, which was strange. He walked in and grabbed a bag of crisps, and a coke. He went to the till to pay, but there was no one there. That was when the woman grabbed him and threw him to the floor. Her face was stained with blood, and she was trying to bite him. She looked like, and was behaving like... a zombie. Simon threw her off, and looked for a weapon. He grabbed the cash register and slammed it down on her head. Blood spurted, and she fell to the floor with a scream. Oh my god... she WAS a zombie. Holy shit... and if there was one zombie, there were usually.... two men staggered from behind the aisles and lunged at him, teeth bared fury in their pale eyes. Simon hurled the cash register, which caved one man’s head in. The other started to run towards him. Defenceless, Simon ran out the door, and down the street. Weapon!?, weapon!?, weapon!? He ran into a field. There he saw to his relief an “adzada”; he had once been told the Spanish used them to plough the fields. He grabbed it as he ran past. Was the zombie still behind him? He looked over his shoulder just as the zombie was reaching out its arm to grab him. Simon stopped running, and swung the adzada into the zombies face. It collapsed; its face ruined, and didn’t get up. Simon was totally out of breath.  He was covered in blood and he had just realised that these spirits must be taking over the surrounding areas, town by town. And its inhabitants were now turned into what looked like zombies from all the films he had seen. He had often imagined himself as a zombie hunter, slaying the undead with swords, baseball bats etc. It was very dramatic. But the reality of it was that he was exhausted, terrified, and had used a farm implement as a weapon.  Very undramatic.  He realised he still needed food, but there was no way he was going back into town and into that supermarket. He was sure he could find some fruit or something; this was a farm after all. But again the reality was that all that he found were some rotten tomatoes and some dried out squashes. He would have to go back to the supermarket. Great.


He approached the supermarket slowly, his adzada clutched in trembling hands. He looked around. The coast was clear. He walked in, and grabbed the coke and crisps he had dropped as he had fought with the woman who had attacked him. He could see her gruesome corpse, and that of the man he had killed on the floor, bleeding from the massive wounds in their heads. He shuddered. He turned to go, and ducked behind the till as a group of zombies staggered past the supermarket entrance. His heart thumped in his chest, as they moaned and groaned. He gingerly stuck his head out from behind the till just in time to see a terrified kid, who was not a zombie, run out from an alleyway. Simon recognised the kid as the lumpy boy he and Mike had beaten up in Torvizcon. He must have fled the village down to Orgiva. The zombies turned and ran at him. The kid screamed as one of the zombies, the girl who had slapped him and stormed off previously, took a lump out of his arm. Simon ran out from the supermarket and caved her head in. He then went into frenzy and killed the remaining zombies. Lumpy boy was sobbing on the floor, and Simon pulled him up.

-“Come on, come with me, we can protect each other” Simon said in English. Lumpy boy seemed to get the idea. Lumpy boy had a small knife with him, which was better than nothing to defend himself with. They walked down the street and into the field where Simon had found the adzada. Across the field he could see more fields, and the odd building, and Sierra de Lujar looming above them. It didn’t look too far. They walked across the fields and came to a barn.

-“Stop” said Simon. “There could be zombies in there” he was right. A zombie staggered out and lunged at lumpy boy. Simon smashed its head in, and pulled lumpy boy to his feet. His leg was bleeding, he had been bitten again.  They continued onwards until they got to a river. Sierra de Lujar was on the other side, and the only way across was a bridge that had 7 eyes.  The bridge was swarming with zombies. 

Simon decided to do something very brave, and very stupid. As he could see it, there was only one way to get across the bridge. There was no way he could kill them all, so he would have to lure them off the bridge. He ran forwards, shouting “here, come get your meal here”. The zombies ran towards him. The bridge was now unblocked. Lumpy boy ran across, and Simon knew he had to lose them, or they would follow him across the bridge. He ran and ran, until he thought of an idea. He led them into the barn he had seen earlier. He saw a ladder inside; he climbed up it to a platform, until there was a swarming crowd of zombies beneath him.  Could they climb? Yes. The first zombie started to climb up the ladder. As it reached the top, Simon smashed its head in, and kicked the ladder down. Right, how an earth was he going to get out? There was no other way out of the barn. Dam it! Or was there? He slammed his adzada into the wall of the barn, which was made of wood. It smashed and splintered. He smashed and smashed, until there was a hole big enough to climb out of. He looked out. Below him there was a pile of hay. Thank god for that, he thought as he jumped out and landed in the hay.

He quickly ran to the door of the barn, and slammed it shut, just as the zombies were about to run out.  Right, get back to the bridge.

He arrived, crossed the bridge, and reunited with lumpy boy. He looked very ill and tired. Sierra de Lujar loomed above them. Simon realised he didn’t know where to go now. He knew the mines were in the mountains, but could he really search the whole mountain for a small hole? Perhaps lumpy boy would know, being a local and all. What was the Spanish word for mines? He remembered what coat boy had said. “A plaque with mina romana” on it

- “Umm mina? He asked. Lumpy boy pointed to the right. The road went through a tunnel, and they went through. On the other side there was a dirt track leading up into the mountains. He realised then that lumpy boy was in a lot of pain. He was limping, and sweating and didn’t look at all well. Lumpy boy slumped, and fell to his knees. He looked up at Simon, tears and pain in his eyes, and collapsed onto the floor. He didn’t move. Simon was shocked and frightened. His knowledge about zombie movies had saved him so far, and he suspected he knew what would happen next. He was right. Lumpy boy got up slowly. He stood in front of Simon, but didn’t move. Simon took a step backwards. Lumpy boy stared with pale eyes, grimaced, and lunged forwards, his teeth bared, ready to tear Simon apart. Simon slammed the adzada into lumpy boy’s neck, kicked him to the floor, and hacked at the neck, until the head was removed. The head lay there chomping and snarling, detached from the body. Simon screwed his eyes shut, and kicked the head as hard as he could. It flew off over the edge of the road, and into the river. At that moment, Simon heard voices from the tunnel he had just come through. They were not the voices of zombies. He recognised the voices of his parents, Mike, and coat boy. He didn’t hesitate, he ran up the track which lead up the mountain. Then he came to a junction, to the right a footpath rose, and to the left the dirt track continued. Next to the footpath, a sign read “ruta de los mineros”. Mineros sounded similar to mina, so that must be the way to the mines. He ran up the path, just as the possessed bodies of his friend and family came round the corner. He hid in the bushes, and listened.

- “Do you think he got this far?” Irene said.

-“Of course”, said coat boy. Didn’t you see that zombie corpse back there? Someone must have killed it. I’m sure it’s him”

-“which way do you think he went? Up the track or up the footpath?” said Irene

-“Well both lead to the mines” said coat boys brother. “And since he’s only a tourist and doesn’t know the area, I bet he went up the dirt track, it seems like the more obvious choice”

-“and he’s a stupid idiot anyway, he’s bound to take the easiest way” said Jack.

-“Yep, he’s an idiot, and if he had taken the footpath he would arrive at the mines quicker” said Mike.

-“Well then, let’s follow him up, and if we don’t get him, the others who are waiting at the top will” said Jack.

¿an idiot ey? Simon for the first time in his life realised that he had indeed once been an idiot. He had known it all along really, but never admitted it. Well, not anymore. He had made it down the mountain, he had evaded capture, he had survived a zombie infested town, and now he was on the quickest route to the mines. He was doing pretty well. For the first time in his life he was proud of himself. And now he would make the world proud by saving it.


He walked for 2 hours until he arrived at the end of the footpath. It joined with the dirt track. And the possessed were nowhere in sight. He had arrived before them. He walked along the dirt track for half an hour. Sierra de Lujar he found very beautiful indeed, unlike the Poqueira valley. It was a vast expanse of herb bushes and wild flowers, with wonderful limestone rock from which the bushes erupted. Theoretically the Poqueira valley was far more beautiful, but these mountains had rock which he could only describe as joyful, and filled with good thoughts and promises. No wonder whoever these old gods were had chosen to place the stone which would trap the evil spirits here, since even in these dark days when the evil spirits had escaped, and were ruining the world, this place still expelled love, and joy. Suddenly mine openings appeared. He continued on until he saw a mine entrance with a door, and a plaque with “minas romanas” written above it. He opened the steel door, and peered into the utter darkness within. He then remembered something. How the hell was he going to see in there?

He had the torch on his phone. He took his phone out, and with dismay saw that the battery was flat. He felt a fist slam into his back, and he went sprawling.

- “Hello Simon” a huge, foreign looking boy said. “The others when they possessed me told me to come here and wait for you, while they looked for you in the Poqueira valley” “my name is Sebas. Meet my friends Rowan, Daisy and Delia” three girls walked out from round the corner. -“heeeey” they all said in unison.

- “I’m Rowan, one of the girls said. Want a hug?” she said as she punched him in the face.

-“You girls aren’t my type” said Simon, spitting blood.

-“okaaaaaay....” said another one of the girls.

- “I think he’s cute”, another one said. “Well cute or not, lets possess him and join with the others” said Sebas.

-“But Irene and the others told us to wait for them if we find him” said one of the girls.

-“Yeah, Delia is right” said the third, who must have been Daisy. 

-“Well I’m with Sebas, lets possess him now” said Rowan.

-“No!!!!!” screamed Delia and she hurled herself at Sebas. Daisy did the same, but at Rowan. The four of them fought, they bit and punched and yelled. A mobile phone fell out of Sebases pocket. Simon picked it up, and slipped off into the mine, unnoticed by the others who were too busy fighting each other. He slammed the door, and locked it behind him. They would have to break it down to follow him, once they finally stopped fighting. He turned on sebases phone, and found the torch in it. He walked down the dark passage for a full 30 minutes. Then he came to a stair. He went down it, and came to a crossroads. Which way to go? He had no idea. He would surely get lost. He didn’t have a map. He sat on the floor. He had come so far, and now he wasn’t going to get anywhere. These mines were a labyrinth. He lay down his hand. It touched something cold. He brushed the dust that lay on it away. It was a trapdoor. He opened it, expecting to see a ladder or something, but instead he saw a box. He lifted it out, and opened it. It contained various pieces of parchment. One of them was a map. He couldn’t believe his luck. On the map, there was a large X marked. Would it be right to assume the X was the location of the stone? It could be anything. But he didn’t really have a choice. Following the map, he passed through miles and miles of tunnels, until he came to the X. Instead of a stone, to his dismay, he found a gaping pit. He threw down a stone. He never heard it hit the bottom. Great. What now? He then heard footsteps. He turned the light to where they were coming from. He saw nothing. A hand touched his shoulders, and a voice asked,

-“Are you lost?”

- “What!! Who is there?” cried Simon.

- “I am the phantom on the mines” said the voice. “I was a miner, but I was killed by a rock fall, and now I am doomed to haunt these tunnels forever” Simon was of course frightened. But he had witnessed possessions, had fought zombies, discovered that there were sorcerers in the world and had had to kill lumpy boy. He was nowhere near as frightened as he would have been under normal circumstances.

-“Do you know where the stone that traps the evil spirits lies?” he asked.

- “Perhaps...” said the phantom.

-“Well, do you or don’t you?” said Simon.

- “I will give you the information you seek, if you give me something in return” said the phantom.  

-“What you would like?” said Simon.

-“That light you carry interests me. It has been a long time since I have experienced light” said the phantom. “I would like to have it”

-“but how will I navigate without light?” said Simon.

-“Well, I’m sure you will find a way. Look at me, I navigate withought light”

-“but you’re a phantom! It’s different!” protested Simon.

- “That is my price”

-“Alright then, fine. I’ll give you the light. But can you get me down this pit safely?” asked Simon. He was suddenly lifted into the air, and plunged down the pit. Just as he was about to hit the bottom, after falling for a full 3 minutes, he slowed down, and landed on a sandy floor. The phantom then said,

-“Continue right, left, and then right again, goodbye”. Simon´s light went out, and he was left in utter darkness.

Well, those directions don’t sound too complicated he thought. By feel, he went down the passage for another hour, and when he was sure he was lost, he felt an opening, on the right hand side of the tunnel.  He continued, then felt another opening on the left, and finally another on the right. Then, he saw light. Firelight. He entered a huge chamber, lit with torches, and at the end of the chamber, a large stone, with a symbol carved on to it. He ran up to it, and was about to touch it, when coat boy appeared from a shaft in the ceiling.

-“Hello” he said.

-“Hi” said Simon. “So do you think I can go and touch the stone?” he said.

-“Ermm... no”, said coat boy. “Although you know you’re a lucky guy. None of the others could follow me down here, as none of them can change into bats to negotiate the darkness and the shafts. Plus Delia is dead, and Sebas is still fighting with Daisy. And Rowan fell down a shaft, so I guess she’s dead too. That means you only have to fight me.  If you’re wondering how I found this chamber, I simply followed you down”

-“then why didn’t you just kill me?”

-“God, you really are stupid aren’t you? Because then I wouldn’t be able to find the chamber, and destroy that stone, ensuring our rule forever, I knew you would find the chamber as soon as you found the map. If the Phantom hadn’t then told you where the stone was when you reached the shaft I would have killed you then and there, and found my way through the last few tunnels to this chamber. Of course I could have also killed you when I overheard the phantom telling you where the chamber was, but to be honest I think it will be more fun to kill you now, it seems more appropriate somehow. And to make it fair, I won’t use Magic, I promise”

He struck so fast that Simon had no time at all to block. He went flying, and crashed into the wall dropping his adzada. Coat boy laughed and lunged again. This time he caught Simon in the ribs, smashing the breath out of him. But Simon had been in fights too. He swung up and caught coat boy right under the chin.

-“You sly little wanker” sneered coat boy, his mouth dripping blood. He kicked, but Simon dodged, and lashed out with his fist. Coat boy ducked, and punched Simon in the stomach, and then in the face. Simon, fuelled purely by rage, got up, and kicked. He missed and Coat boy karate chopped him in the neck, and then kicked his legs out from under him. He then slammed his boots into Simon’s sides, time and time again, laughing all the time. Simon swivelled and kicked coat boys legs out from under him, and punched. He got him right on the nose, breaking it. Coat boy yelled, clutching his nose. Blood spilled onto the cavern floor.

-“Right, enough playtime, let’s get serious” he snarled.

He kicked Simon in the face, and sent him sprawling again, and followed up with more kicks and punches. Finally, he grabbed Simon, and threw him at the wall. Simon was stunned and in pain, and watched as Irene, Jack, coat boys brother and Mike walked into the chamber.

-“Yeah, turns out I lied about the others not coming. I left a trail for them to follow, and they used rope to get down the pit”

-“Hello darling” Irene said.

- “Ready to die bud?” said Mike.

-“Sorry son” said Jack. Coat boys brother just grinned. Simon then remembered something. Villains always gloat, and it’s always their downfall. He observed that all four of them were standing under an area on the chamber propped up with wooden beams. The ceiling was obviously unstable. And next to him lay his adzada. He picked it up, but coats boys associate flashed his eyes, and the adzada caught fire, burning Simon’s hand. The adzada continued to burn, the metal end melting.

-“I said I wouldn’t use magic, but I didn’t say he wouldn’t” laughed coat boy. Simon clutched his burnt hand. The group moved forwards, coming in for the kill. Simon suddenly had an Idea. There was a stone near him. He picked it up and hurled it at coat boy. His associate flashed his eyes, melting the stone, but that was ok. That was what Simon was counting on. The flash from the lads eyes as well as melting the stone, hit the ceiling above them. Being unstable, all it needed was a small shock. The whole ceiling collapsed on top of the group of possessed. Simon saw his chance. He lunged towards the stone with the symbol. It was then that coat boy’s brother burst out of the rock fall he had caused in a blaze of fire, and ran at Simon, pure hatred in his eyes. But it was too late. Simons hand touched the stone seconds before he was incinerated by the eyes of coat boy’s brother.

Then everything happened very quickly. The whole world turned white. There was a huge flash, and Simon remembered nothing more.


He awoke standing at the ghost town in the Poqueira valley. His parents were there, and so was Mike. He ran over and hugged them all

-“Gosh, you’re very friendly all of a sudden” exclaimed his mum

-“yeah, what’s got into you?” said his dad

-“stop hugging me man” said Mike

-“Oh, I just...I love you all so much!!!” he then saw coat boy and his companion standing by the door of an abandoned building. He walked up to them.

- “Thank you Simon” said coat boy.

-“Yeah” said his companion. “You’re a hero. You saved the world”

-“well, I did what I had to do” said Simon.

-“I’m sorry about beating you up” said coat boy.

-“Its fine, I got a couple of good hits in as well”

-“you sure did” laughed coat boy.

-“So are the spirits gone for good now?” asked Simon.

-“Yep. We’ve disabled that symbol that brings them back for good. They are trapped forever. They will never cause any trouble ever again, and no one except you and us will remember a thing. Also everyone who was killed or was a zombie is alive again, and won’t remember anything either”

-“Oh good, lumpy boy is alive then”

-“Who?” said coat boy

-“He was a kid me and Mike beat up in Torvizcon, then I saw him in Orgiva and he helped me find the mines, but he was bitten by a zombie and he turned into one, and I had to kill him”

-“Torvizcon ey? What did he look like out of interest?” asked coat boy

-“Tall, lumpy, pointy nose... he had a grumpy and ugly girl with him, I had to kill her too, she almost ate him when I found him in Orgiva”

-“did he have a hair extension? And did he wear baggy clothes?” Said coat boy

-“yeah, do you know him?” said Simon

-“I certainly do. We used to be friends, but we fell out, and I ended up driving him away from the university I study at”

-“You study at university? Why did you drive him out?

-“It’s a long story”

-“Getting back to the point, this valley is cleansed of evil” said coat boys brother.

-“Your right” said Simon. “I feel no evil anymore”

-“You know it’s interesting that the spell the spirits cast to lure tourists here had no effect on you.  We reckon you have energy perception powers. We think you might have it in you to become a wizard” said coat boy´s brother.

- “Wow that is so cool!!!”

- “It certainly is, well here are our numbers, if you want to talk about wizard training or anything, or if you want to hang out” said coat boy

- “Thanks. Oh and by the way, what are your names?”

-“I’m Skoroby Nightfall” said coat boy. “And this here is my brother, Friscolous Shadow”

-“Oh my god!! You’re the guy who beat me so bad at that GTA online race! My player name is Fuckboy67”

-“Well don’t you worry, I’ll teach you a thing or two about driving in GTA” said Skoroby.

-“Fuckboy67 ey?” said Friscolous.  “You probably know me as scrumpy125, I wooped your ass when you tried to kill me with a sniper rifle”

-“well I will get you back for that” said Simon. “Yeah, that’s unlikely” said Friscolous.



Simon retuned with his family to Chatham, where he constantly played GTA online with Friscolous and Skoroby. Friscolous taught him how to gunfight and Skoroby how to drive. Simon was no longer a moron; his experience in Spain had completely changed him. He became loving, kind, and wise. Eventually his friend Mike became the same, following the example of his friend. He also found out he was capable of doing sorcery, and was trained by his new friends to use his powers and to fight crime. Everyone lived, happily ever after, until the next challenging event, which is a story for another time.

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