There are some times

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

Sometimes I want to do things.
And sometimes I want to write down the way that I feel.
Hence this.

Sometimes I want to be the model student, the one who gets perfect marks on every test, the one who's nice and studious and generous and always makes time for work.

Sometimes I want to be able to let myself go, to find drugs, or alcohol, and be bad, the kind of bad parents whisper about in hushed voices around their children. "God, did you hear about him? Died under the bridge in a box, heard it - No, honey, you can't eat the blue crayon - heard it was an OD."

Sometimes I want to scream at the people talking to my friends. They're mine. I chose them, they're awesome, can't you see I’m the one they’re with? You have no right to interrupt our conversation. Get the fuck out. Idiot.

Sometimes I want to STOP
completely because I feel so empty.

Sometimes I want to hug, to kiss, to touch, to tell the people close to me that jesus christ I just love them so much and just please dude please stay close to me I need you.

Sometimes I feel like sticking my hand in an open flame. To see what it's like. To feel the pain, to feel the agony, but to feel the relief when it's finally over.

Sometimes I want to say everything I want to say.

Sometimes I want to know nobody's going to criticize me or say I'm attention seeking or label me a slut or a whore or inappropriate or stupid or tryhard or serious or boring.

Sometimes I want to ask "Do you like me?" and not be afraid of rejection. To be able to do it anytime anywhere, to just shut down my brain and be brazen for a single moment.

Sometimes I feel like screaming out of frustration, but I hold it in, because it's impolite and improper.

Sometimes I want to be completely silent, and not talk to anybody, because my thoughts are louder than their words.

Sometimes I want to be able to stare at a wall.

Sometimes I want to never be bored.

Sometimes I want to just stop thinking because I think about me thinking about thoughts about my thoughts and it just doesn't stop and it's a giant feedback loop where every detail my oversensitive brain processes I analyze and over analyze and analyze and think about and I'm thinking about me thinking about what I thought when I was thinking while writing this.

Sometimes I want to just run away because my life isn't ever going to go the way I want it to go.

Sometimes I want to keep doing the same thing, to be surprised, to meet and to lose and to make and to spend.

Sometimes I want to forget.

Sometimes I want to look and to see and to glance and to stare and to lock my gaze on someone or something and just TAKE IN and feel aroused and excited and happy and proud and amazing and brilliant and not be worried about anybody noticing me.

Sometimes I want to be myself and not have anybody call me names.

Sometimes I want to kiss a guy who's not going to reciprocate. Just for fun.

Sometimes I want to have a mental illness, just so I can explain the things that go on in my head.

Sometimes I want to be straight.

Sometimes I want to nip and to lick and to suck and to bite and to kiss, and to kiss and kiss and kiss and to twist and to pull and to shake and to scream and to just feel it all the time everywhere and just...

Sometimes I want to kill myself and still live afterwards.

Sometimes I want to change myself.

Sometimes I want to stay the same.

And sometimes? Sometimes I don't even fucking know what the fuck I want.

Submitted: March 07, 2014

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