1.Offering advice or seemingly harmless criticisms may cause resistance and resentment. The man may feel controlled. The men in your life will be more attentive and responsive to you if you
refrain from offering advice or criticism.
2. Women want empathy when they talk about issues, not solutions. Practice listening whenever a woman speaks, with the sole intention of respectfully understanding what she is going through. She will appreciate you more because she will feel you are listening.
3.Men going into a cave is not a sign that they do not love you (they believe that to help others they have to help themselves first, and independence is how how they sort out their stressful feelings). If they are easily distracted when you are talking- they believe listening with 5% of the mind is enough when they are stressed, and close off if you do not get to the point quickly- quit talking. They will notice and give you their full attention, and so you can start talking again. If they are fully in their caves, discuss your issues with others, have fun, or go shopping.
4.Women are not attacking, blaming or criticising you by talking about their problems. They believe that sharing is a form of caring and showing love. Men do not need to get defensive, just to listen and empathise, the women will feel heard and become positive.
5. “Men are motivated and empowered when they feel needed. Given the opportunity to prove his potential, a man expresses his best self. Only when he cannot succeed does he regress back to his old selfish ways,”- not asking how you feel because he doesn't feel powerful enough to make you happy.
6.Women are motivated and empowered when they feel cherished... a woman's tendency to be compulsive relaxes as she remembers that she is worthy of love -she doesn't have to earn it, she can relax, give less and receive more. She deserves it.”
7.Men like to be needed, they do not like neediness. Hopelessness and mistrust transform her valid needs into desperate expressions of neediness and communicate the message that she doesn't trust him. Needing is openly reaching out, in a trusting manner (assuming that he will do his best) and asking for support. “When she wakes up and remembers her needs, he also wakes up and wants to give her more.”
8.“A mans deepest fear is that he is not good enough, or that he is incompetent.” When feeling insecure, a man may compensate by not caring about anybody except himself. Men need acceptance and encouragement that they are good enough for you, and then they will show much much they care. Love helps the man to know that he is enough to fulfill others.
9.To fully express their feelings, women assume poetic license and use various superlatives, metaphors and generalisations. Men mistakenly take these expressions literally, because they misunderstand the intended meaning and commonly react in an unsupportive manner, because they feel they are being blamed.
For example, when a woman says: “We never go out,”she means: “I feel like going out and doing something together. We always have such a fun time, and I love being with you. What do you think? Would you take me out to dinner? It has been a few days since we went out.” He may hear: “You're not doing your job. What a disappointment you have turned out to be. We never do anything together anymore because you are lazy, unromantic and just boring.
10.When a man is silent, he is saying: “I don't know what to say yet, but I am thinking of what to say because I want to help you.”
If he is in a cave, this is how you can support him:
1. Don't disapprove of his need for withdrawing,
2. Don't try to help his problem by offering solutions,
3.Don't try to nurture him by asking questions about his feelings,
4. Don't sit next to the door of the cave and wait for him to come out,
5.Don't worry about him or feel sorry for him,
6. Do something that makes you happy,
11.Never offer criticism or advice unless he asks. Instead, you should try giving him acceptance. As he begins to feel accepted, he will ask you what you think. If a woman is not getting what she needs and wants, she can share her feelings and make requests subtly. For example, if she doesn't like how he dresses, she could directly say: “Would you let me take you shopping one day? I would love to pick out an outfit for you.” If he says no, he doesn't want you mothering him and you could say: “I'm sorry, I didn't mean to tell you how to dress.”
12.A man feels mistrusted if he is offered help and feels offended. Men want to be trusted and independent. This is hard for a woman to understand because they want to care for others and be cared for in return. It is hard for a man to differentiate between empathy and sympathy, and may feel pitied. So if he makes a mistake and does not ask for your advice, allow him to solve the problem,
13.Woman can learn to express their feelings without sounding like they are blaming him. For example: “I'm sure glad I can talk about it,” etc, or complimenting him occasionally when complaining, by saying what he has done well or how happy she is with him,
14.Men are like rubber bands, when things become too intense they pull away. This is so they can be independent, but it is often thought by both parties that this means he doesn't love the woman. He does and will come back if she gives hi space, and when he comes back she shouldn't ask him questions about what his problem is, because he doesn't have a problem. He will resume the relationship at the stage it was at before he stretched away,
15.To get a man to talk, start the conversation and as you appreciate him for listening (do not demand he talks, that immediately turns him off, just talk naturally and he will feel comfortable enough to talk), gradually he will have more to say. Men have have to have a reason to talk and when a woman talks for a while, a man will start to open up and share how he relates to what she has shared,
16.Couples need time apart. Otherwise it becomes too intense and boring. It is good to arrange times out with friends and do things alone as a break,
1. Physical: When a man pulls away she physically follows him. He may walk in another room and she follows. Or she does not do things she wants to do so she can be with her partner,
2. Emotional: When he pulls away, she emotionally follow him. She worries about him. She wants to help him feel better. She feels sorry for him. She smothers him with attention and praise.
She may emotionally stop him from pulling away by disapproving of his need to be alone. Through disapproving she is also emotionally pulling him back. She may look longingly or hurt when he pulls away. In this way, she pleads for his intimacy and he feels controlled.
3.Mental: She may try to pull him back mentally by asking him guilt inducing questions: “What's wrong with you?” She may try to please him by becoming overly accommodating. She tries to be perfect so he would never have a reason to pull away. She gives up her sense of self and tries to become what she thinks he wants,
1. Physical: When he begins to desire her again she rejects him. She pushes his physical affection away. She may reject him sexually. She doesn't allow him to touch her or be close. She may hit him or break things in order to show her displeasure,
2. Emotional: When he returns, she is unhappy and blames him. She does not forgive him for neglecting her. There is nothing he can do to please her or make her happy. He feels incapable of fulfilling her and gives up. When he returns, she expresses her disappointment through words, tone of voice and by looking at her partner in a certain wounded way,
3. Mental: When he returns she refuses to open up and show her feelings. She becomes cold and resents him for not opening up and talking. She stops trusting that he really cares and punishes him by not giving him a chance to listen and be the “good,” guy,
19.Women are like waves. They put others needs above their own and so they neglect their own feelings (push them down- emotional suppression) and work so hard to please others that they eventually burn out. They go into a well, they are too tired and annoyed (all the held back feelings of disappointment and resentment come up) to help others. They may feel guilty for this and think that they are being unfair to their partner. But they are just behaving normally. They need some time on their own and reassurance from their partner that he does not blame her and that she is being a good partner.
© Copyright 2016 Skye Bagshaw. All rights reserved.
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