I Am Asking You To Understand

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
When diagnosed with BPD I learned that no will ever understand it. I wanted to challenge my writing skills to see if I could get people to understand borderline personality disorder.

Submitted: November 21, 2014

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Submitted: November 21, 2014

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My feelings are intense, extreme and fickle. I spend alot of time focusing on my feelings because honestly my feelings are all that I am.   There are feelings that I have daily,  there are feelings that I get for a couple of days and then there is a temporary lack of feeling.   My daily feelings are anger and varying degrees of sadness. Though few in number, I switch back and forth between them frequently and instantaneously.The second someone says anything that should just mildly annoy me, I feel complete and utter anger. To me anger feels as if my insides are being consumed by a relentless fire. Anger is an overwhelming energy that fills every crevice of my body and my mind straining against the seams of my head, my body, my soul threatening to rip me open. I have to get it out. There isn't enough room in here for all this anger. The intimidation and desperacy of the anger clouds my thoughts. Feeling threatened by the anger my adrenaline starts to pump. Flight or fight. All I know is there is a threat but unable to think I can't identify the threat so everything becomes the threat. You become the threat because right after you said or did anything I felt the anger. The anger that is killing me. You must have done this to me. So I do what I can to tear you down. I yell at you.  I say cruel things.  I don't stop. You fighting back stuffs more anger inside of me where there is absolutely no room for it. Until it's too much anger for me to contain. Until the anger rips every piece of me open. Anger becomes my every thought. Desperate times call for desperate measures  So I scratch my face.  When the anger is gone, I hate myself for my angry actions. That hate starts the sadness. This is how anger always feel.   Sadness lurks constantly just below the surface. Even when I'm happy, right on the edges of my happiness I am still sad. Sadness sometimes feels like I'm in a coffin at my own funeral.  Just like when someone dies there's no hope that they will live again. I don't wanna move, I don't want to do anything. A burning sensation fills my lungs scorching my throat.  I just lay in the darkness.  Sometimes sadness is a knife that cuts me to the bone, slicing down the middle of the bone, leaving me raw, open and in excruciating pain. Yet that's just the beginning. The knife pokes, cuts and plays with my insides making the suffering linger and become unbearable. Sometimes sadness is being violently tore open straight to the core of my existence, my soul left vulnerable and latticed into ameoba like shreds. Sadness then becomes the threat and yet again I can't identify the threat. Fight or flight. When I fight, I tend to lash out in anger at everything so as to destroy the unknown threat or hurt myself.  Flight comes if the sadness progresses. Though sadness seemingly took everything, it didn't.  That's just the start. Sadness can disintegrate every single element that my being consists of. That's when I choose flight. Most of the time I fight. This is how sadness always feels.   The flight at the peak of my sadness is when I go into disassociation. I can no longer feel. My mind shuts off completely.  I don't actually have a thought before I do something.  I just go through the motions. Like pushing play on a movie, it just plays even if you don't watch it. I feel outside of myself. In a state of disassociation I lack everything that makes a human being. Feelings and thoughts. I'm so use to the intense emotions I always have that when I feel nothing I get confused.  I know feelings.  In fact feelings are all that I know, I don't know how to not feel. To me my lack of feelings signals that there is a problem, a threat and I will do anything to feel again.  Hurt myself. Do drugs. Have sex. Fight with you. Just to fucking feel something. Then when I do, I feel shame and guilt for what I did to bring myself out of disassociation which causes sadness or anger. This is how disassociation always feels.   The feelings I get that last at least a couple of days and only on occasion are trapped inside of myself and extreme anxiety.   The feeling of being trapped actually conjures up a devastating image. I'm locked inside a cube made of stone. The light is dim and casts a yellow-brownish color around me. Where I am not, the cube is drowned in blackness. I scream, my mouth wide open, tears on my face. I hit the sides of the cube with all that I have shattering the bones in my hand flopping to the ground and kicking the walls, the floor, the ceiling until my feet break.  I hit the walls with every part of my body until I am broken.  Exhausted and giving up I sit on the floor scrapping the stone with my nail until I bleed. The cube never falters. Then I explode in a way that consumes the entire cube. Flames of my anger eat away at the cube. This is how trapped always feels.   Hyper ventilating. Crushed chest. Numb skin. All the bad in my thoughts.  Nervousness at it's peak. Utter fear. That's anxiety.  It's horrible. In the confines my room I feel safe. Only in here do I feel safe. My anxiety is driven by my fear of anxiety.  I have anxiety attacks before I leave, before I get on the bus, before I get in line,  before I am in a social situation.  I am scared of having an anxiety attack in public. My fear of anxiety attacks causes my anxiety attacks. After too many days of extreme anxiety, that's when I feel trapped. This is how anxiety always feels.

  Notice how it's an endless cycle. Anxiety to trapped to anger to sadness to disassociation to sadness to anger. Again and again and again.  It never stops. My feelings never go away. I have no mild emotions. The second I feel an emotion it feels like how I described it. No less. Ever. It's not that I take what you say and do to the heart. It's more like I feel the appropriate emotion just not at the appropriate level.

Next time you want to fight me back remember the suffering anger causes me. Next time you tell me to quit crying remember the agony sadness causes me. Next you get upset because I don't want to take off or I don't want to talk to someone remember the fear anxiety causes me. Next time I explode remember the insanity feeling trapped causes me.   Always keep in mind the absolute horror of my feelings.Anger, sadness, disassociation, and anxiety register in my brain as a threat. I become my anger, my sadness,  my disassociation,  my anxiety.  I am the defender. I am the threat. I am my feelings


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