Future? Yes. HAH

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
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Submitted: August 01, 2008

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Submitted: August 01, 2008

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I know.

I'm different now.

You don't trust me, and I've been stupid.

I can be a bitch, I know.

Why?

I feel different, but ... I like it, and then I don't.

It's like I'm me, and I can't turn it off.

Now... I'm just like she was.

I'm just like her.

Like I always hated, and never wanted to ever speak to her ever.

And then him...

I knew what he thought.

I just didn't want to believe it.

When I found out... it hurt.

I tried telling people it wasn't true.

But they knew.

Everyone knew, right from the get-go.

They just didn't feel the need to tell me.

nothing happened, so why'd I care?

Why the fuck did it hurt so much and why... why isn't it going away?

I remember me.

I remember I had just as much fun, and hurt people less.

But I hurt more.

Things suck more now then they did before.

But why do I hurt less now?

I can't be natural.

I hate how I am like that.

I can't let my hair dry naturally.

I have to straighten it every day no matter what.

Make-up?

A must.

Nailpolish?

Always.

Free?

Not a single day.

Do I miss it?

Every single fucking day.

But It's not like I can go back.

Everything is different, and my mind... it just wont let loose.

The only freedom is from the forbidden juice that I hate so much.

Bitter?

Yes is really is.

It's not like I do it for peer pressure, they can shove it up their ass for all I care.

No, it's for me.

I like being someone I'm not, because then I get to forget all the things that I never will.

The times I walked by when I knew I should have done something.

Picked up the garbage that was thrown, or... just tell someone to their face what I really thought.

Being supportive is a curse.

You can't just say no, your dream isn't going to happen.

Whatever you're telling me that I'm really not listening to, is so pointless.

You're a mean and self centered person, who can't think of others.

And fuck, we all know that you were hurt, but really?

Just get over it.

It's not an excuse to fuck all over everyone and leave a trail of broken people behind you.

And you tested me, so much every single day.

To help you, I knew I had to.

You just never stopped.

Like you weren't really like that, you were just testing everyone.

You pretended to care.

You never once really gave a shit.

You say you're searching.

You're not.

You're an ass in a disguise that no one can see through.

You say you're there.

You just don't get it!

You never will, so stop trying!

It's not like I thought you cared!

It's always about you.

Everything!

Like everything that I want is stupid.

And unless you approve, too bad.

I can do everything you want, but when I want, no.

It's just how it is.

My head?

Never shuts up.

Even while you're talking.

I listen yeah, intently.

There are just so many things going on.

This person?

No that one!

What the fuck is that supposed to mean!

No I hate them.

No... you really don't.

I say it yeah.

But half the time I don't mean it.

It's not like this is where I want to be.

I want to be somewhere else.

Someone else.

I want to be where I can think of no one else, but the people that I help.

Africa.

My dream of all dreams.

A nurse.

Helping everyone, then I dont have to think about who I love, or don't love.

Or the petty little things that go on.

It's so pointless to think about that stuff.

I don't want to think about having kids, or love.

What I really want, is to get away from everyone I know.

Spend my days living for other people.

And doing something to help.

I want to help other people and not worry about the stupid crap that goes on.

I want to wake up having the same day happen over and over again.

Get up, and help people I don't even know.

Go to sleep all alone.

Not thinking about the diseases or rape or anything.

Just falling asleep blank.

Nothing going on.

Just knowing that the same day will happen again and again.

Until I die.

Just a peaceful death when I'm 100 or something.

I'm not going to freeze myself or anything.

Just die sleeping, dreaming of nothing.

Doing what I want every day, and knowing that it's enough to satisfy.

I don't want some crazy love affair, or beautiful children.

I don't want to lay awake waiting for someone to answer me, when they don't really care.

Saying things I dont care about or believe.

Not caring about who does what.

Just the same day.

The same life.

My life.

All the craziness gone.

Just me, alone, in a tent at night.

On the ground, but totally comfortable.

Blank.

Everything that everyone wants of me, seas and oceans and continents away.

Just the day that I want everyday.

It could rain, it could snow.

It could be scorching hot.

It doesnt matter.

Not fashion or anything.

I'd have thirty of the same things.

I wouldnt have to think hmm what should I wear or straighten my hair.

Just put on the same exact clothes as always.

And just throw my hair up or down out of the shower or water pool that I'd bathe in.

Not caring of what I really look like.

No one to impress.

Just doing my job, and living my life.

The same day, everyday for the rest of my days.

Uncomplicated.

No one confusing me or screwing me over.

Or just making my head explode!

Just a routine and me.

I dont need anyone else.

But me.

I dont really need anyones arms to hold me.

I'm okay by myself.

I dont need you or anyone.

No one will matter.

It'll just be me and me.

And that is how my life will change.

I don't want some stupid cinderella ending.

Or a tragic death.

I just want to get away from all I know.

Into a world where I will know my days by heart.

I wont get bored of it, it'll be my life.

And none of you will be in it.

Not a single one.

Just.

Me.


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