Featured Writing Twilight Pollution Index

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A public service announcement tracking the levels of Twilight pollution and Twilight induced sickness.

Submitted: June 30, 2009

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Submitted: June 30, 2009

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Browsing Safety Index


Table Of Contents:

Section One: The most recent Browsing Safety Index value.

Section Two: Detailed local conditions for Frostbite Falls.

Section Three: Browsing Safety Index historical data, sorted with most recent updates first.

Section Four: Browsing Safety Index conversion table.


Section One

Current Browsing Safety Index

The following values reflect content saturation levels gathered from the Featured Writing list for the week of Nov 30 through Dec 7, 2009.

Date of Measurement: Nov 30, 2009

Primary Pollutant: Twilight Content

Pollutant Level: 3 of 11

Adjusted Browsing Safety Index: 198

Section Two

Detailed local conditions for Frostbite Falls

Local Weather Conditions:

Strong gusts of winds in conjunction with increased level of Twilight ash that escaped into the air from the compromised Twilight content disposal facility caused several fatalities and a number of hospitalizations. The facility, charged with disposing of Renesmee pictures, burned pictures and stories day and night for the last month as it tried to keep up with the volumes of boring pulp material churned out by the Twit-wits. During a terrorist attack, the plant suffered damage, causing Twilight ash to leak into the outside environment. The escaping Twilight ash formed a massive dust storm so dense that even the bright mid day sun turned into a dim, lifeless form of Twilight. The flying ash caused numerous citizens to suffer disfiguring injuries after the hideous Renesmee picture storm sandblasted its way through the town. Dennis the Maniacal Menace, a local resident who found himself trapped in the whirling storm of garbage, made the following statement.

I was on my way home from school when I looked up and saw it – a dark wall of nothingness. All I could see was this huge wall of sh!t moving toward me at an incredible rate. I made a run for the nearest building but couldn't make it in time. The gusts of wind pelted my face with the abrasive Twilight ash. I couldn't breath, choked by the stinking Renesmee picture debris. It's the worst experience I've ever had in my entire life. My biggest fear is that those horrible Renesmee picture fragments have scarred me for life!

Dennis, admitted to a local hospital, had to undergo 18 hours of reconstructive surgery to reduce the horrible damage from the Renesmee picture incident. The mayor, infuriated by the increasing rise in healthcare costs directly linked with exposure to Twilight related content, has called for a ban on the Twilight scourge. The mayor stated,

It's [Twilight] the most carcinogenic substance known to mankind. Studies with lab rats resulted in mutation of the poor little creatures. And those studies merely displayed pictures of Twilight cast members to the furry little critters. I don't even want to think what would happen if they were exposed to the flying ash and debris like our poor Dennis experienced. For smaller animals, the toxicity level from Twilight would likely cause spontaneous combustion. We'd have spontaneous rat fires bursting out all over.

Local News Stories:

Frostbite Falls fell prey to Twilight terrorism this week. Twilight terrorist fans, cold, malevolent, and heartless, attacked Twilight Canyon Disposal Facility number two late on Saturday evening. They breached security by flashing horrid pictures of Bella and Edward at the security guards. The guards immediately went blind. In a commendable attempt to halt the attackers, each and every guard sacrificed their chances of medical recovery by standing their ground to fending off the Twilight terrorists. Even though blinded, the guards could smell the horrible stench of teen spirit, allowing them to fire their weapons with lethal accuracy. Unfortunately, the hordes of Twit-wits numbered too many, allowing the villainous culprits to overpower the heroic security guards. Fifteen minutes later, the Twit-wits set and detonated a MeyerPire firebomb in the core of the facility. Disposal plant number two went offline as a result. Twit-wits, ecstatic over their deed, spray painted pro-Twilight graffiti throughout the damaged compound. Fleeing the compound, they screamed their mantra, “We have the right to pollute the world of literature with trite, boring, and unimaginative works!” On fire and seeping Twilight ash, firefighters and a hazardous materials team have been called in. The teams are currently struggling to suppress the fires and seal off the leaking ash. A weary hazmat worker still on the scene said it all with a few brief words,

Twilight - it's a crime against humanity!


Section Three

Browsing Safety Index historical data, most recent data listed first.

Measurement History - Please note, prior to September 7th, minimal historical data was archived. From September 7th and forward, full details have been recorded.

(Nov 30, 2009) - Local Weather Conditions:

Strong gusts of winds in conjunction with increased level of Twilight ash that escaped into the air from the compromised Twilight content disposal facility caused several fatalities and a number of hospitalizations. The facility, charged with disposing of Renesmee pictures, burned pictures and stories day and night for the last month as it tried to keep up with the volumes of boring pulp material churned out by the Twit-wits. During a terrorist attack, the plant suffered damage, causing Twilight ash to leak into the outside environment. The escaping Twilight ash formed a massive dust storm so dense that even the bright mid day sun turned into a dim, lifeless form of Twilight. The flying ash caused numerous citizens to suffer disfiguring injuries after the hideous Renesmee picture storm sandblasted its way through the town. Dennis the Maniacal Menace, a local resident who found himself trapped in the whirling storm of garbage, made the following statement.

I was on my way home from school when I looked up and saw it – a dark wall of nothingness. All I could see was this huge wall of sh!t moving toward me at an incredible rate. I made a run for the nearest building but couldn't make it in time. The gusts of wind pelted my face with the abrasive Twilight ash. I couldn't breath, choked by the stinking Renesmee picture debris. It's the worst experience I've ever had in my entire life. My biggest fear is that those horrible Renesmee picture fragments have scarred me for life!

Dennis, admitted to a local hospital, had to undergo 18 hours of reconstructive surgery to reduce the horrible damage from the Renesmee picture incident. The mayor, infuriated by the increasing rise in healthcare costs directly linked with exposure to Twilight related content, has called for a ban on the Twilight scourge. The mayor stated,

It's [Twilight] the most carcinogenic substance known to mankind. Studies with lab rats resulted in mutation of the poor little creatures. And those studies merely displayed pictures of Twilight cast members to the furry little critters. I don't even want to think what would happen if they were exposed to the flying ash and debris like our poor Dennis experienced. For smaller animals, the toxicity level from Twilight would likely cause spontaneous combustion. We'd have spontaneous rat fires bursting out all over.

Local News Stories:

Frostbite Falls fell prey to Twilight terrorism this week. Twilight terrorist fans, cold, malevolent, and heartless, attacked Twilight Canyon Disposal Facility number two late on Saturday evening. They breached security by flashing horrid pictures of Bella and Edward at the security guards. The guards immediately went blind. In a commendable attempt to halt the attackers, each and every guard sacrificed their chances of medical recovery by standing their ground to fending off the Twilight terrorists. Even though blinded, the guards could smell the horrible stench of teen spirit, allowing them to fire their weapons with lethal accuracy. Unfortunately, the hordes of Twit-wits numbered too many, allowing the villainous culprits to overpower the heroic security guards. Fifteen minutes later, the Twit-wits set and detonated a MeyerPire firebomb in the core of the facility. Disposal plant number two went offline as a result. Twit-wits, ecstatic over their deed, spray painted pro-Twilight graffiti throughout the damaged compound. Fleeing the compound, they screamed their mantra, “We have the right to pollute the world of literature with trite, boring, and unimaginative works!” On fire and seeping Twilight ash, firefighters and a hazardous materials team have been called in. The teams are currently struggling to suppress the fires and seal off the leaking ash. A weary hazmat worker still on the scene said it all with a few brief words,

Twilight - it's a crime against humanity!

(Nov 23, 2009) - Local Weather Conditions:

Local Weather Conditions:

Stagnant air conditions increased during the last week. Clouds of lung-choking ash filled the sky late on Friday as raging hormone fires burned unchecked in the town of Frostbite Falls, especially in movie theaters. Numerous movie theaters suffered serious smoke damage as a result. Unfortunately, the movie theaters did not burn down and rid the world of yet another horrible Hollywood glitz campaign. A burning fan ban was activated after fans become inflamed with excitement over a new release from the franchise. A stage I Twilight burning fan ban is now in effect until further notice.

Local News Stories:

Late Friday evening after the movie theaters closed in Frostbite Falls, crowds of teenagers flooded the streets, babbling about smelling like teen spirit. An interview with Spin Doctor Steph revealed why the teens spoke of such smells:

“I was trying to write the ultimate money magnet movie to fleece the public with. I couldn't come up with anything on my own so I ripped off Bram Stoker's Dracula idea. I have to admit it. When I hired someone else to read the CliffsNotes for Dracula in order to tell me what a good story is like, I connected with Stoker's book so heavily that all I could manage was to write a crappy imitation. That's how the 'Toilet' saga came into this world. A clever author like Anne Rice has the ability to createan innovative series of books that deviate from traditional vampire characteristics. But when one lacks talent, well, we all know what happens! A little glitz and glitter covers up even the worst stench if you present it to a gullible target audience. That's when I decided to pawn it off on the only market that's naive enough to buy into this type of BS. I rolled in a bit of kissy-kissy stuff and the rest is history. So when it's all said and done, my half-baked franchise came out smelling like teen spirit and money!Skinning these schmucks is like taking candy from babies if you know what I mean!

After reading Spin Doctor Steph's statement, an theater attendant had the following to say, "One wonders when the horror of the 'Toilet' saga will end. And we all know, the horror is not an element in Spin Doctor Steph's stories. The horror comes from people buying into her franchise - hook, line, and stanker."

(Nov 16, 2009) - Local Weather Conditions:

Weather conditions remain similar to last week, causing the Twilight Pollution Index to remain stable. With a severe storm front approaching, increased pollution from Twilight acid rains can be expected on Friday. Residents are urged to carry umbrellas at all times to prevent exposure to the hazardous Tar. To protect against caustic Twilight sludge fumes rising from the storm drains as a result of the heavy Tar, full face respirators will be available upon request and can be obtained from the emergency relief shelter on Friday. Initiative I-301, approved two months ago, provided the necessary funding to ensure respirators are available to those in financial need and to the homeless.

Local News Stories:

Tensions escalated in the suburb of High Chaparral late last night. A group of Twilight supporters, marching in demonstration, sought to antagonize the residents over the recent formation of a vigilante gang to drive twit-wits from the town. Filed under “bad ideas”, the outcome for the protesters proved quite hilarious. Quick Draw McGraw, a local gunfighter famous for a lightning fast ability to draw a gun and his quick temper, stepped out from the Rot Gut saloon around 11:23 PM. Soused and agitated at the increased noise, Quick Draw lived up to his name. Within 5 seconds, Quick Draw emptied his revolver into the crowd of protestors. The twit-wits, starry-eyed, expected Edward to save them. A coward by nature, Edward never materialized and later claimed he's afraid of the dark and won't come out at night. The twit-wits suffered what residents of High Chaparral considered an ironic punishment - a sad realization that idolization of fake vampires is useless. Six demonstrators required transportation to Seymour Butz Hospital, where doctors treated the victims for bruises upon their buttocks. Quick Draw, good with his aim, fired rubber bullets to subdue the demonstrators by peppering their backsides with a healthy helping of rubberized “Get out of our town!” projectiles. The DA stated charges will not be brought against Quick Draw and had the following to say,

“Charges? Not on your life! Quick Draw is a hero in our town. He serves the greater good of the community through his actions. My only wish is he'd would have sent the demonstrators to Boothill cemetery instead."

In health news, the CDC discovered the H1N1 pathogen mutated into a more potent strain of mind numbing virus referred to as the T1L1-GHT virus. An outbreak of increased mania is expected late this week when theaters become flooded with Paper Collar Joe customers waiting to be stripped of their bits. Two bits that is – the cost of watching a pointless waste of film stock. In a preemptive move, the CDC urges citizens to seek out immunization against the virus and has issued a pandemic level 6 warning. Symptoms of the virus include an unnatural willingness to submit to bad cinema, explosive diarrhea of the mouth when angered, and a perverse desire to couple with fictitious characters.

Bites from a rabid dog increased this week, linked to the Green River panty sniffer case. The animal control department urges citizens to call their hotline immediately should the Green River panty sniffer suspect be spotted. A trained animal handler will be dispatched. Do not attempt to apprehend the suspect as he will infect those he comes in contact with, passing along the dreaded T1L1-GHT virus. Once captured, the Green River panty sniffer, otherwise known as Jacob Black, will be taken to the pound. Using hazmat procedures, health officials will put the mongrel to sleep before roasting him like the weenie he is. Animal control representatives have declared, "We'll put that mutt down no matter what it takes!"

Wrapping up the news, a warrant has been issued for the arrest of Edward Cullen. Wanted for falsification of identity, Cullen, continues his crime spree of masquerading as a real vampire. It should be noted that a lesser charge of forgery will also be brought against Cullen for writing bad checks. Cullen stands accused of writing numerous bad checks to businesses such as “Browns Used Toilets” and the cross-dressing specialty store, “The Transylvanian Transvestite”.

(Nov 9, 2009) - Temperatures in Frostbite Falls will continue to drop early in the week, while higher levels of precipitation wash Twilight artifacts from the front page. As a result, the city storm drains have suffered considerable damage from channeling the caustic Twilight content. An unnamed official at the waste water processing plant had the following to say,

"Our sewer lines and sewage treatment facilities weren't designed to handle the caustic nature of the Twilight pollutants. We're aware that some citizens have filed complaints about the massive increase in the stench produced by the waste treatment plant when disposing of Twilight content. There is little we can do about the matter. Citizens need to take into consideration how Twilight gases have a stench factor 150 times greater than methane. Normal sewage? Yes, we can process normal sewage properly and without complaints. Twilight waste? It's a major problem. Even while wearing full respiration suits, we've had two workers collapse after transporting the toxic Twilight sludge to a dangerous waste containment facility. For the record, Hanford has ceased accepting shipments of the material, claiming the half-life of Twilight sludge exceeds that of any radioactive products they currently store."

Another unexpected problem arose when a cloud of the Twilight gases passed over the suburb of High Chaparral. Residents owning parakeets suffered immense lose when their parakeets died instantly. Susceptible to minute amounts of toxic gases,the birds melted down to nothing but bones. Outraged, the High Chaparral citizens intend to mobilize a team of vigilantes in response. An anonymous member of the group made the following statement,

"High Chaparral was once a good place to live. Sure, we had crimes like gunfights and the likes, but nothing on par with the evil these Twilight gangs carry out. We'll drive those twit-wits out of our fine town and make this place safe for humanity once again! Somebody grab a rope, let's string 'em up!"

Late last week, in an odd turn of events, Twilight supporters proposed a new initiative, bill i-911, dubbed by some as "The New Berlin Wall" bill. The proposal calls for the erection of a dividing wall to separate Twilight supporters from anti-Twilight groups. Angry members of the Twilight supporting community protested in front of city hall, demanding the right to form a self-contained utopian society where vampires are free to sparkle without fear of persecution for being an abomination. One Twilight supporter shouted, "We have right to wear rose colored glasses if we so desire!"

(Nov 2, 2009) - Halloween not only brought ghosts and goblins, but a steady climb in Twilight pollutants. The Twilight Acid Rains, or TAR, wreaked havoc, causing chemical burns to anyone experiencing direct exposure to the Twilight content. Several citizens suffered from searing blisters and required hospitalization after being caught in a corrosive TAR downpour. The mayor, outraged by the floods of Twilight postings, ordered a full investigation of the pollutant sources by a team of resident scientists. The team determined the onslaught of Twilight pollutants bog down many readers and causes higher quality stories to be lost in a sea of Twilight content. The mayor declared, "I'm appalled to see quality literature being lost in the floods of Twilight content. It's a travesty!At the next town meeting, a proposal will be raised to consider submitted a request for emergency disaster relief funds from the government to assist in combating the source of pollutants."

(Oct 26, 2009) - While pollutant levels dropped to near manageable levels, last weeks outbreak of Necrotic Vampire Tweaking Syndrome continues to wreak havoc upon local residents. In an interesting turn of events, low pressure in the surrounding area drove a wave of Twilight pollutants head-on into a bank of anti Twilight clouds, resulting in severe twilightning storms erupting throughout the region. The bureau urges citizens to place twilightning rods at various points throughout their portfolios to short circuit any potential damage.

(Oct 19, 2009) -Sparkly rain showers fell early this week, causing several residents to experience early phases of Necrotic Vampire Tweaking Syndrome. Signs of the infectious disease include decreased motor coordination, lack of emotional responses, and a strong inclination to instigate book burnings for a specific dime novel. The Surgeon General warns of potential brain damage far and above the deterioration caused by drinking excessive quantities of high proof alcohols such as Everclear.

(Oct 13, 2009) -Colder temperatures along with increased breezes from the north reduced Twilight pollution on the front page. Levels dropped to an almost manageable level early this week with only one atrocity present - a series of photos. Creepy in nature, although not originally intended as such, the pictures bring a chill to the bone when coupled with the decreasing temperatures in the surrounding area. Senior citizens are advised to avoid loitering near the photo piece, lest they find themselves in an early grave. Should you see this photo article lurking about, avoid it like the plague. Immunizations from the CDV, the Center for Douche-dracula Vampire control and prevention, will hopefully be available early November to protect against expected increased levels of vegetarian vampire related materials.

(Oct 5, 2009) - Twilight pollution levels for the front page fluctuated throughout the week. Varying amounts of Twilight content surfaced periodically on the front page, causing the smog levels to intensify briefly. With clear skies at night, other problems arise such as potential visibility of new moon pictures. The new moon pictures contribute substantially to the stagnant air conditions, causing some readers to experience nightmares, cold sweats, and convulsions. Anyone experiencing symptoms from excessive exposure to Twilight contaminates is urged to seek medical attention to prevent the onset of leprosy in the upper respiratory tract.

(Sep 28, 2009) - Twilight pollution levels rose slightly and could prompt a level three Twilight public advisory in the near future. It is feared levels of contamination will rise in the upcoming months with the nearing release date of New Moon. Citizens are urged to purchase gas masks and anti-nausea medications in advance to prepare for the potential threat.

It should be noted, a Twilight picture cloud continues to fill the box canyon where the recently deceased SirCranksALot's home stands. Numerous birds and other animals have fallen prey to the Twilight picture cloud toxins, making the canyon a region of death. Locals have nicknamed the area, "The Valley of Death" due to excessive woodland casualties. Clean-up crews are unable to move in and clear out the bodies of the fallen animals as it is unsafe at this point.Town resident and consumer advocate, Ralph Nader, recently declared the canyon, "Unsafe at any speed!"
(Sep 21, 2009) - A buildup of Twilight pollution continues this week as colder temperatures along the coast stall air movement. The potential for stagnant air continues to climb, giving concern for elevated levels of pollution in the upcoming weeks. Levels, while manageable, have caused an unexpected Twilight related death which was reported Sunday evening. An elderly victim succumbed to Twilight fumes late in the evening hours of Sunday. The victim's home, which resides within a box canyon area, experienced excessive Twilight contaminates after the stalled air settled in. Sir CranksALot, a well known and respected Twilight hater, died of asphyxiation while pecking away at the keys on his typewriter. An incomplete anti-Twilight story survived his demise. His final expression consisted of the following typed sentence: "From the depths of Hades I spit at Twilight!" Services will be provided this upcoming Wednesday at the Dinsdale Chapel for Sir CranksALot. A ritual book burning will be held at 7:30 PM to honor his passing. Please feel free to bring as many Twilight books as you desire. RIP Sir CranksALot.
(Sep 14, 2009) - While levels of Twilight pollution dip relatively low, a stubborn Renesmee cloud remains stalled over the site. The cloud, a group of Twilight pictures, is somewhat benign. Three out of four pictures from the story are missing, providing "photo deleted" place holders instead. Missing Twilight photo links are far more tolerable to the majority of the population.

(Sep 7, 2009) - A warm front moved in this weekend causing a stall in air movement. Twilight pollutants hover in the area, trapped by the stalled warm front. A bump in other pollutants has appeared in the form of social networking chapter embedded in a story but will likely move out of the area quickly. Citizens in the boomer or tweener bracket may be feeling slightly nauseous as a result.

(Aug 31, 2009) - Winds increased, dispersing Twilight pollution. Levels momentarily dropped to a record low, briefly bottoming out at a new low of 67. The winds rapidly died down, returning the pollution level to 107.

(Aug 24, 2009) -Pollutant Level: 2 of 11. Twilight and Anti-Twilight literature collided causing a pressure drop. The lowest level of pro Twilight pollution was recorded at 93.

(Aug 17, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 2 of 11. Twilight pollution levels remain stable.

(Aug 10, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 2 of 11. Twilight Pollution levels are approaching managable levels.

(Aug 3, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 3 of 11.

(July 28, 2009) - As of July 28, the Twilight Pollution Index alert was called off. The list pollution returned to moderate levels. Continued caution is advised.

(July 13, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 3 of 11. A brief bump in browsing quality appeared as a dust cloud resulted from a private circle "top ten writers" nomination appeared on the front page. Should the dust cloud persist or magnify, additional browsing quality warnings could be raised.

(July 23, 2009) - A Twilight Pollution Warning is currently in effect until further notice.

(July 20, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 3 of 11.

(July 5, 2009) - Pollutant Level: 3 of 11
(July 5, 2009) - As of July 5, the Twilight Pollution Index alert was called off. The list pollution returned to moderate levels. Continued caution is advised.

(July 3, 2009) - A Twilight Pollution Warning is currently in effect until further notice.

(June 29, 2009) Index started for first time - pollutant Level: 3 of 11


Section Four

Interpreting The Pollutant Level

The first value is the number of Twilight related stories in the feature writing list. The second value is the total number of stories in the featured writing list. For example, "3 of 11" indicates there are three Twilight stories from a total of eleven stories listed.

Interpreting the Adjusted Browsing Safety Index

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End of document.


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